The Way I See It...

Be Still and Know...

2011-01-23T20:42:00.000-05:00

Matt has been reading a book by John Eldredge (big surprise, right? Ha.) called 'Walking with God' since the summer. It has been instrumental in how he seeks God and spends time with Him. It has also been a conversation starter between us about how we look at our relationships with God.

I think we're both at a place where we are really craving and longing for real and genuine intimacy with God and with others. We're no longer satisfied with relationships/friendships that are linear and don't go deeper. We want to share, truly share, what God is doing in our lives with those we love and care about and also know what God is doing in their lives.

For me, this would like authenticity and transparency (there I go using that word again) and a vulnerability. I want to be able to tell someone that I'm not doing okay in response to a "How are you doing?" and know that they really want to know the answer. That's not to say that every relationship I have needs to be a deep, serious relationship--I believe there is a place for every kind of connection, but in those relationships I consider close, I want them to be that. Honest and thoughtful sharing and accountability. Speaking the truth in love to each other. Sharing each others' burdens.

And I'm also at a place where I want to figure out what it means to rest in the Lord. To sit at His feet and just be. Listen to Him. Know His word more and know Him more, yes, but also not be so consumed with feeling like I "need to be" serving or "should be doing" more that I miss simply being in His presence.

I want to be fully present in my encounters with Him and to respond to the Holy Spirit's promptings in my life. To be Jesus instead of do Jesus, so to speak.

I don't know how this looks or should look. These thoughts are all relatively new and rolling around in my head, so please forgive the rambly-ness to them. In my effort to start somewhere with all of this stuff, I wanted to share with all of you. (The few of you who still may read! Love you all, actually.)

So there you go. Just a little bit of where I am right now and what I feel like God is desiring to show me and do in my life. Let's see where it goes!

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. what do you think about this? did it make sense? please share any thoughts you may have or any insights--I would love to hear them!

Erin in Love (Part Twenty-Five)

2010-12-23T12:00:00.001-05:00

After Matt made the decision to take the job in Rochester, things went on as normal. We still tried to see each other as much as possible and although I would try and talk about our future (as in, when are we getting engaged?), Matt would stall and say not for at least a year.

Fast forward to December of 2004 (the talk in the park happened in the summer of '04, for those of you who want the timeline). People had been slyly ribbing us about getting engaged and it was starting to wear on my nerves. Especially since I wanted to be engaged; I was ready to start our life together and was sick of being apart all the time. And, the countdown to Matt's move to Rochester was beginning (he would begin teaching at MCC in January 2005).

As I've mentioned before, while working for my dad, I traveled quite a bit. We had a branch in Cleveland, and there were many times that I was up there to help out. The first week of December was one of those times. And, as had become the norm, I would stay with Matt and his family, which was really nice, let me tell you.

Early on in the first week of December, Matt had decided that he wanted to make me dinner that Friday. His family all had plans and so we would have the house to ourselves for a little bit, and I was really looking forward to it. That Wednesday night, we went out to dinner with his friends Will and Tab, and to the mall so Will and Tab could get their Christmas presents for each other.

Will and Matt went one way, and Tab and I went another. As Tab and I passed a jewelry shop, I made the comment that I was so tired of people asking me when we were getting engaged and that we would get engaged when we were ready. After picking up Will's gift, we met up with the boys and went to dinner and had a great time. After we got back, Matt told me that Will had asked him to meet him for breakfast the next day (they met once a week for breakfast and had already met that week). He said Will was having a hard time and needed to talk. So, even though I thought it was a bit odd (since Will had seemed fine at dinner), I said okay, no big deal.

That Friday, I went to work, Matt went to work, and I ended up getting back before he did. His family was getting ready to go off to their plans and it seemed like a long time, but Matt finally came home. I didn't seem him at first because he came in the door and went right into the mud room, so I went over to say hi and ask him how his day was and I saw that he was arranging a vase of red roses. So surprised and delighted, I thanked him for the flowers and asked if there was anything I could do to get dinner started. He was adamant in telling me no and headed upstairs to clean up.

Now, I was in one of his old t-shirts and jeans and when he came down, I realized he was taking this "romantic dinner/evening" a lot more serious than I realized. He was dressed in my favorite outfit and was wearing cologne. So needless to say, I hustled upstairs and got myself as gussied up as I could with what I had in my suitcase.

When I got downstairs, he was in a frenzy trying to cook dinner. He kept looking at the clock and muttering and running all over the kitchen. Again I asked if I could help and he again refused. I kept telling him that everything looked great and not to worry; that I was sure dinner would taste great. (He seemed really anxious that dinner turn out okay, which I thought was super sweet.)

When we sat down to eat, he sat down at the opposite end of the table from me and hardly spoke two words. I would ask a question and he would give me a short answer. And he, again, kept looking at the clock! I was honestly a bit irritated because I felt he was ruining our time together, when after we were done eating, he said he needed to run upstairs for something.

After what felt like an eternity, he came back downstairs with a CD in his hand.

"I've been working on a string quartet piece that I'd like you to take a listen to, if you don't mind." (He frequently asked me to listen to his compositions and tell him what I thought.)

"Sure, I'd love to hear it!"

"I'm going to play it for you twice. The first time I want you to listen to the overall piece. Then the second time, I want you to listen closely to all the details."

"Okay, great."

He put it in the CD player and we listened to it for the first time. I really liked it and told him it was beautiful and reminded me of 'Legends of the Fall'. It had a really nice arching melody and I liked the tones he got from the instruments.

Then, he hit play again, for the seconding hearing and came very close to my chair.

"Now, remember, I want you to listen to the details."

(Umm, WHY is he talking? I am trying to listen to the details and he is talking over the music! So annoying!)

"Uh-huh."

"I want you to imagine yourself walking down the aisle...."

I turned to him with shock and tears in my eyes and he began to pull out a ring box out of his pocket.

Then, he got down on one knee (I was still sitting at the table), opened the box and said,

"Erin Nicole Yost, will you marry me?"

I couldn't speak because the tears were so thick, but I managed to nod my head 'yes' and threw my arms around him. Then, we kissed and he put on a favorite song of ours, 'At Last' and we danced in his parents kitchen.

Then....

"So, does this mean yes? And are you going to look at the ring or not?"

Of course, I answered 'yes' immediately and took a good look at the most perfect solitaire ring for me.

That was December 3, 2004. And on June 11, 2005, I walked down the aisle to that beautiful, gorgeous piece of music he wrote just for me for our wedding.

Of course, there are more details to the engagement story (Will and Tab's role in it, and what my family had to say), but those will be saved for another time.

And there you have it. The almost culmination to our love story. Merry Christmas, everyone! :)

Blessings and love,
Erin

Erin in Love (Part Twenty-Four)

2010-12-22T20:35:00.000-05:00

So, when we last left off, Matt and I had just had our first date and defining talk of what exactly we were now that we had decided we would be more than friends. And at our farewell, he gave me a hug I will never forget.

Our dating experience was a bit different, simply because by this time, we had known each other for 5 1/2 years. That's a long time to know someone and to be their friend regardless, but throw in a change in that friendship and you have a question of, "Now what?"

I found myself wondering how things would be different. The answer was that they weren't really all that different. He was still the same Matt I knew; I was still the same Erin. What was different, however, was that things had a new meaning. There was an intimacy that was finally allowable. And we knew, without needing to say it, that this was it. There wasn't any more looking for that one person. He was mine, and I was his. Forever.

That's not to say that our relationship was without it's share of drama or misunderstandings. (It still has that, after 5 1/2 years of marriage!) But there was a sweetness to this time that I cherished. To finally be able to hold his hand...I can't tell you how that felt. To feel his arm around me, wow. And that first kiss, when it finally came? Um, mind blowing. And I just wanted to spend more and more time with him.

At the time, we lived about 3 hours apart from each other, so phone calls and email became our primary way of communicating. We would take turns driving on the weekends and every time I was in Mespo to see him, I kept putting off leaving as long as I possibly could...it felt torturous to have to say good-bye. Yup, I was that silly, romantic fool. ;)

Matt was living at home, having just graduated from grad school a few months earlier, and was looking for a full-time job, while working part-time and subbing. I had no intention of him living and working anywhere but Ohio, and as such, was praying that God would provide a job for him there. And I really believed he would get one, too.

Then one day, Matt called me and told me about this adjunct position he had been recommended for in Rochester, NY. Imagine my horror and surprise at this. Me, a life-long resident of Ohio, living in Rochester? (No, we weren't engaged yet, but we knew we would be married at some point; it was just a matter of when.) And having my boyfriend in Rochester, even further away from me? No, thank you.

So Matt was going to turn it down. For me. Yes, I know. You don't have to say it.

And the more we talked about it and prayed about it, the more uncomfortable I felt. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew I was being selfish and holding him back from something that could be wonderful for him. One afternoon we were walking in a park near his home and of course, talking about this potential job. A nagging feeling had been bothering me the whole time, and as we got ready to leave, we decided to pray. Sitting in the car, holding hands and praying and asking God for wisdom and discernment, I felt a still voice inside me say, "Where you go, I will go. Your people will be my people, and your God, my God." (From the book of Ruth)

And I knew what I had to do.

With tears streaming down my cheeks, I looked at Matt and said, "You have to take this job. I can't hold you back from it just because I want you here in Ohio."

I meant it, too. But little did I realize that before he moved, things would change in a major way. Again.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Jesus Really

2010-11-10T14:30:00.001-05:00

Sorry, kidlets...this is another linky-link to a John Eldredge post I liked.

Tell me your thoughts!! (And then I'll tell you mine. Promise.)

Blessings and love,
Erin

Jesus%20Really

Burritos

2010-10-17T21:37:00.000-04:00

Matt and I have been a little, ahem, obsessed with John and Stasi Eldredge lately. Their ministry (Ransomed Heart) has really been speaking to us the past few months (through John's book 'Walking with God' and Stasi's 'Captivating' and their joint effort, 'Love & War'). I follow Ransomed Heart on Twitter and John tweeted a link to the below blog post.

It made me pause and think about what Christianity is to me and what I'm seeing it portrayed as these days.

So, I wanted to share. Read. Think. And tell me what you think!

Blessings and love,
Erin

Burritos

Thoughts on a Disappointment

2010-10-17T20:01:00.000-04:00

I'm disappointed.

My beloved Ohio State Buckeyes, formerly ranked #1 in the nation, lost last night in a hostile environment to a team which, while not better overall, had the better evening.

I'm disappointed.

And truthfully, last night in the heat of the moment, I was angry. Angry at our coach, angry at our players, angry at the biased commentators and media, angry at the entire state of Wisconsin and not looking forward to seeing people today that would love to rub our loss in my face (in a loving way of course).

Then, I tried to look for some perspective and found it before I went to bed, which was good, because with the mood I was in, I could have been up all night stewing about this. Which, with a newborn, isn't advisable.

So, what helped me change my mind?

Understanding that (are you ready for this?) it was just a game. Yes, I love my Buckeyes. Yes, I want to win every game. Yes, I believe we should be in the discussion for the national championship. But in the grand scheme of things...it's just a game. Wisconsin had the better day. Does that make them a better team? Yesterday they were. Do I believe they're a better team overall? No. But they played better than we did and deserved to win. Does that make my disappointment any less? No.

I also started thinking about the extreme amount of pressure that we (the fans, media, etc.) place on these players to perform and win week after week. Get this: they are college students. Fabulously talented college students on scholarship and recruited because they can play at a higher level, but they are kids. I am older than these kids by at least a decade. And they're not professionals. Yet. But I expect them to play at that level and get angry when they don't do well. How would I have handled such pressure at 18, 19, 20, 21? Not well. But they can face the media (most of whom love to bash them when they do poorly, especially the Buckeyes) and provide respectful (most of the time) answers to their questions and most of them handle themselves well off the field.

What about our coach? He certainly is paid to win, right? Well, I seem to remember the coach before him who also "couldn't win the big one" and who only beat our archrival TWICE in his 11-year tenure. Those who are calling for Jim Tressel's head/firing/resignation would do well to remember the Cooper era. Yes, yes, he (Cooper) could recruit like nobody's business, but when it came down to it, he couldn't WIN. Since when does winning at least a share of 5 of the last 8 Big Ten titles, beating Oregon last year in the Rose Bowl and beating Michigan equal sufficient reason for firing? I don't get it. Does he make the right calls 100% of the time? No. But he is a classy, respected and outstanding coach. Long live Tressel-ball!

So, why am I writing a huge dissertation on Ohio State's loss?

Because I realized that I could take the perspective I applied to the loss to much of my life on the whole.

How often do I get disappointed/angry/frustrated because things don't work out the way I want them to or think they should?

Wouldn't it be better if I took a step back and looked at the big picture? Instead, too many times I pigeon-hole the situation and refuse to look outside of my small circle. I don't ask God what really matters and what could be going on outside of my small point of view that is affecting the outcome of the situation. And isn't that what I need to be doing?

Would that I pause and take a minute to pray and ask God to reveal to me what is the big picture and what I'm not seeing. Would that I ask Him what He wants me to learn from my disappointment or remember that the here and now, while important to me, isn't the end. There is something so much bigger to life than what I'm worrying about. And no matter what, God cares.

And all this because Ohio State lost. Isn't that something? ;)

Blessings and love,
Erin

Hope Now

2010-10-12T15:21:00.000-04:00

Most of you know that our latest addition, Seth Yost, arrived on September 24 (All thank we now for Facebook. Amen.). Since that day, my life has been (most predictably) filled with feedings, changing many, many, many diapers, consoling fussiness and wrangling the first little boy in my life.

Thankfully, the transition to two hasn't been as difficult as I imagined it would. Don't misunderstand me: I'm sure that there will be MANY trials and difficulties as both boys get bigger, but given all the issues we had the first month of Levi's life...well, Seth just seems like a cakewalk most of the time. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I feel guilty sometimes because I don't think I'm spending enough time with Levi. Yes, I feel like Matt and I haven't had a "real" conversation in awhile. But underneath all of that is sheer thankfulness and overwhelming hope that I'm going to make it after all.

Hope that I'm not going to head back to that terrible, dark, ugly place where I wallowed for a good six months after Levi was born. Hope that I can be a good and loving mother to two boys at the same time. Hope that because Matt and I are making an effort to communicate about how we're feeling and doing that he won't have to fight for me to come back from the brink like he did before. Hope that God didn't make a mistake after all when He gave these two precious little lives to me to care for while on this earth.

And I am so thankful. So thankful that when I am feeling exhausted after a rough night up with Seth that I don't fly into a rage. Thankful that I can talk about my frustration when the boys decide they don't want to nap. Thankful that I want to get out of the house and spend time with my friends and husband instead of shutting myself up inside. Thankful that I am talking with God almost constantly during the day, asking Him to give me patience when Levi is acting out, asking for grace to handle Seth screaming because he's overtired, asking for (and receiving!!) forgiveness when I may have snapped a bit.

I can't tell you how good it feels to feel normal right now. And if any of you reading this are struggling right now, I am not trying to make you feel worse or as though I've got it all together, because believe me, I don't and I totally understand where you are. Okay, maybe not understand, but I can empathize. Having been in my own private hell, I can relate to those feelings. But know this. There is hope.

"But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more." (Psalm 71:14)

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." (Micah 7:7)

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." (Romans 5:5)

To me, hope is part of my daily cushion of grace. That tomorrow can be different. That this (fill in the blank) is only a season. And that God does hear me and does care. I may just not hear an answer right away. But I can hope for one.

Praying that you all are able to find something to be hopeful for today.

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. don't forget to check out the "new" blog!

Moving On...Sort Of...

2010-10-06T15:15:00.000-04:00

Hi kiddies!

So, most of you know by now that our latest addition arrived on September 24th at 8:26 pm. We are just over the moon to have Seth finally with us (it's a boy!), and Levi has been loving on him lots already. (I'm anticipating the novelty wearing off any day now, but so far, so good.)

I am recovering well and we are adjusting (again) to getting up in the night with a wee one, and can't believe it's been almost two weeks since Seth arrived.

The bigger news today, though, is that I started another blog. Yup, I felt it was time to start with something "fresh," and I wanted to do something that was a little heavier on being a momma, so I have a new blog up and running. I will still be posting here, but am hoping to keep it relatively free of 'momma' stuff. You know what I mean?

At any rate, the new blog address is: http://erininterrupted.blogspot.com Please come check it out and tell me what you think! And of course, keep checking back here from time to time, too. :)

Blessings and love,
Erin

The Do-Run-Run....

2010-09-02T15:53:00.002-04:00

Hi kidlets...

I know, I know...I'm an awful blogger. :( But, you see, I have the best. excuse. ever. I'm pregnant! No? That doesn't count? Hmmm....I know! I have a 16-month old who is running circles around me! Still no? How about the fact that we're trying to finish our attic and empty out the office, prime and paint it so we can put baby furniture in there before October 2nd rolls around? Oh, and did I mention Matt goes back to "normal" work mode next Tuesday?

Geesh, you all have no sympathy for a girl. ;)

So, yeah...we've been a little busy. Of course, there have also been lots of times that I could have posted but didn't, because (if I'm being honest here) I just feel boring. Bo-ring. I suppose I could tell you about how Levi boycotted eating anything green for 2 months until he suddenly "remembered" that he LOVES peas. Or about how my belly is now so large that it's difficult to reach the bottom of my washing machine or hold Levi on my lap comfortably. Or how Levi has been plagued with a cold or nasty heat/diaper rash all summer. Or how this new baby is kicking the daylights out of me and how I still have yet to cross a single thing off my "get ready for baby" list.

Sigh. It's overwhelming, I tell you.

But, on a positive note, we have had SUCH a fun summer. I have loved, loved, loved having Matt home more and we actually got to take a vacation (gasp!) for the first time since 2008 (right after we found out I was pregnant with Levi). My garden has done super well (with the exception of the squash--stupid grubs) and we have had a lot of family time, which has been awesome.

I was so blessed two weeks ago to have been given a surprise baby shower by my girlfriends here in Rochester. They all chipped in and bought us the loveliest dresser/changing table combo for the baby's room. I seriously cried a million times that afternoon. It was such a sweet surprise and humbling to see how much they care about us and this new baby. The general consensus among the girls is that this baby is a boy. We shall see. I still have no gut feeling, but I'm not going to lie, I want a girl.

Don't get me wrong: another little boy would be so awesome, and I would love to see him and Levi grow up and play together since they'll be 17 months apart, but my girly heart wants a little girl to dress up and bake cookies with. I know, I can bake cookies with a boy, but it's not the same, you know? At any rate, place your bets now, folks...and just for a refresher, Levi was 7 lbs. 5 oz. and 19.5 inches long and was born nearly 4 days after his due date. Let's all hope I don't go that long again!

You guys! I can't believe I forgot to tell you about the ribs we made a few weeks ago. Seriously, they were AMAZING. We have a gas grill, but we found a way around it without needing charcoal and oh, my heavens the ribs were soooo good. I made a rub (super easy!) and Matt did all the grilling...we didn't even need BBQ sauce, they were that flavorful. With all the heat we've been having this summer, Matt's been grilling a ton, which is always nice for me. Any reason I can think of NOT to turn on the stove or oven is a-okay with me!

Let's see....what else.....

Oh, yeah! Let's all sing a little tune, shall we?

"It's the most wonderful time....of the year!!"

OHIO STATE FOOTBALL STARTS TONIGHT!

That's right, kidlets...let the insanity and love of all things scarlet, gray, and football-themed begin!

We are ranked #2 in the preseason polls and there are a lot of expectations this year (as there are every year, but this year pretty much everyone has high expectations for us). There are a couple of games in the schedule that could be landmines, but I have faith and confidence that we will persevere and come out on top. Sadly, tonight's opening game is on the Big Ten Network (we don't have cable or DirecTV or anything like that), so I won't be able to watch, but I will be following along with my fam at home.

I will save my thoughts on Nebraska joining the Big 10 and the subsequent splitting of Ohio State and Michigan into separate divisions later. Let me just say briefly now, though, that I am NOT PLEASED. Stupid money grubbers.

Okay...since I have covered a wide variety of topics, and your brains are about to melt from boredom, I will end this. Hope you all are doing well and enjoying the last days of summer! Let's hear it for fall, coffee and tromping through leaves! :)

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. and one more thing: O-H! Go Bucks!!

Another Dose of Levi Cuteness

2010-07-12T15:28:00.003-04:00

The Day I Lost My Mind....

2010-07-12T15:14:00.002-04:00

I just realized I never told you all about the day I lost my mind....luckily for me, I found it and can now write about what I did....

So, you know how I like to do really idiotic things sometimes? (Remember when I got in MAJOR trouble for changing our shower liners when I was pregnant with Levi? Yeah. I do this kind of stuff all. the. time.)

Well, last fall was our annual viewing of Ohio State trouncing Michigan in football (oh, how I miss football season...), and in preparation for the game and having lots of people over to watch it, I was cleaning the house. Including sweeping the floors.

This would be done during Levi's naps and I was quite proud of myself for how much I was getting done, and then it came time to sweep our hardwood floors. (Have I mentioned that our entire house (minus kitchen and bathroom) is hardwood floors?) Now, I don't know about the rest of you with hardwood floors, but I get so sick and tired of sweeping them and finding them dusty all over again two days later. I want my floors to stay CLEAN, you know?

So, as I was preparing to sweep, I saw my can of Pledge sitting out (I had just finished dusting) and I got the most BRILLIANT idea ever to spray some Pledge on the end of my broom. "This will keep the floors looking nice, shiny and dust-free for a few days," I thought to myself.

I proceeded to sweep the ENTIRE house with my Pledged-up broom....floors, stairs, you name it, I swept it. And of course, I would occasionally reapply the Pledge for good measure.

When I was done, you would have thought I had just climbed a mountain I was so proud of myself. The house was clean, my floors were shiny (and smelled good) and they were dust-free.

Until I was carrying Levi downstairs, slipped and almost killed us both on the way down.

Matt came home and started sliding on the floors (unintentionally) and asked if I thought they were slicker than normal. I had to confess what I had done and oh boy, did he laugh at me.

"Where do you think the dust is going to go, Erin? Do you think it's just going to bounce off the floors and stick to something else?"

Oh, he had a field day with me.

Then came game day, and after two people almost wiped out trying to go get food, I had to tell them all what I had done and put up with that teasing, too.

At least at that point, I could laugh about it and everyone present knows my history of doing not-so-smart things.

So that's the story of the day I lost my mind and Pledged my floors.

And, yes, after I sweep (to this day), there are still a couple of spots as slick as ice and I almost bite it every time.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Giveaway and Love for a Friend!

2010-07-09T14:31:00.004-04:00

Hi kidlets.....

So, one of my dearest friends Katy is having a blog giveaway today. I mention this because she's giving away an awesome prize (if you love Starbucks or the show Glee!) and because she is in the midst of telling an amazing, heartwrenching and honest story about her youngest son's journey so far.

Katy, I love you and I pray for you often. You are amazing and such a wonderful example of being used by God and using your gifts to reach others. Thank you for being my friend!!

Now, the rest of you, go check it out!!

Blessings and love,
Erin

Random Thoughts from the Holiday Weekend

2010-07-08T20:25:00.002-04:00

We had a lovely Fourth of July weekend with our friends Paul and Caroline. We all ate way too much food, laughed much and thankfully, went to bed at decent hours. :)

Here is what I have learned from this past weekend:

~Do NOT go to the beach on the 4th. It is packed, parking is a nightmare, and your baby will want to leave after 40 minutes because it's close to his dinnertime.

~Wear lots of lots of sunscreen while at the beach. This is vitally important when you have skin the color of snow.

~Remember to drink lots of water during the course of the weekend. Your in utero baby (and your abdomen) will thank you.

~When you make a trifle for dessert, make sure you double the recipe because it is THAT good. Seriously.

~Your 14-month old will behave like an angel the entire weekend because he has people to show off for. Then he will boycott his naps for the very same reason.

~You will continually be doing dishes and catch a glimpse of the future when your children are older and eating you out of your house.

~Most importantly, you will have a blast with your friends and lament the fact that the weekend is over so soon.

Hope you all had great 4ths!!

Blessings and love,
Erin

Today's Cuteness...If You Can Handle It....

2010-07-08T14:51:00.001-04:00

Transparency

2010-06-30T20:40:00.002-04:00

Our church has recently completed a lengthy process of seeking counsel from a firm that specializes in church health and growth potential. This past Sunday, we (the congregation) were able to pick up copies of the summary of the report presented to the pastors for our own personal review.

What I read in the summary wasn't all that surprising, but some of it certainly was.

This got Matt and I talking about what we think is going on in the church and with the inevitable politics that come with most organizations, religious or otherwise.

One thing we kept coming back to was transparency.

From what we have read and seen, our generation (late Gen-X) places a lot of value on being real, authentic and genuine in our encounters with other people, and we expect the same. Otherwise, we feel disenchanted and disconnected. We crave meaningful relationships that enrich our lives. From that research, Matt and I totally fit into that categorization.

And one thing we feel like is somewhat of an issue with our church leadership is lack of transparency/authenticity/etc. That we can only go so far in getting to know our leaders before we hit an invisible wall. This can be a tad frustrating, especially if you carry it over to Sunday mornings and whomever is in the pulpit.

Don't get me wrong; we love our church, we love our pastors and we have felt very strongly that it is where God wants us to be (serving, worshiping, etc.), it is a very Biblically-based and central church, which is of the utmost importance to us, but sometimes we feel a disconnect between what's being preached and what we see.

I, for one, would appreciate our pastors coming before the congregation and openly saying, "You know, this is where I'm at, this is where I'm struggling and I would covet and appreciate your prayers for me in this." For them to show their "weaknesses" and their passion a little more than what we usually see on a Sunday. To be honest about where the church is currently heading and what they see God's will is (we have a pretty unclear vision right now, which is contributing to some of these sentiments, but they are aware of it and I believe are taking steps to change that).

I don't see that happening any time soon, and it saddens me. I believe that a lot of the congregation would be receptive to stark honesty from our pastors and leaders, and while certainly there are details and struggles that are not pertinent for us to know, a little more transparency would go a long way with reconnecting a bit with the body.

Bottom line, we're not leaving our church any time soon. We feel very much that we need to stay and help (if that's what God wants us to do) the church through this transition and we're praying about going to our pastor to discuss some of the things we've been feeling. Again, we love our church, the friends we've made through it, the truth is being preached and it is where we know God is asking us to go.

But all of this has made me start thinking about the level of transparency in my own life. How transparent am I with those around me? How many times to do I feel the need to put on my "perfect; everything's fine" face instead of being real and genuine with what is going on? If I'm asking my pastors to do that, shouldn't I be doing the same?

I keep thinking about Jesus and the woman at the well. He knew exactly who she was, how she was living, what she craved most and what she needed. There is no hiding behind walls with Him. Oh, I can certainly try, but He still sees right through me. Instead of waiting and expecting Him to look through me, I want to start living my life with complete transparency; without fear of what's expected of me or what others may think, and really live according to God's word.

I wonder how my life would change if I did so.

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. forgive the rambly-ness of this post...it's pretty much all off the top of my head, and it's getting late for me, so we all know what that means. ;)

Erin in Love (Part Twenty-Three)

2010-06-29T11:43:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I had just said "okay" to Matt asking (well, sort of) me again if I would date him. Now that the moment was past, what was I supposed to do now?

I glanced over at Matt (because the entire time we were having that conversation my eyes were glued to the floor) and he was grinning. Then he said, "Okay, then. Well, where do you want to go on our first date?"

I looked at the clock and it was midnight. Heidi and Jason were asleep in my room, Rosey (my roommate) was asleep in hers and we were going to go on a date?

"Well, there's not a lot around here that's open right now, but there's a Steak 'N Shake close by. They're open 24 hours. Do you want to go there and have some coffee?"

"Sure, let's go!"

So, I ran upstairs and felt like such a heel for doing so, but I knocked quietly on the door and went in to get my tennis shoes. Heidi looked at me and asked if everything was alright and I said, yes, that we were going on a date. She just said, "I knew it!" :)

Still feeling like this wasn't all that real, we hopped in my car and went and had coffee and spent a couple of hours talking and going over things that had happened and misunderstandings and had a great time. But when we got home, I still felt unsettled and unsure of what exactly was going on now that we had agreed to date. I mean, was he my boyfriend? Were we going to be seeing other people? What was really going on?

I said goodnight, and went to sleep on the couch in the basement....the last thought that went through my head was, "Do I have a boyfriend now?"

The next day was the movie showing, and so there wasn't a whole lot of time or opportunities for us to talk. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be, but after we went to lunch and got back to my apartment before they needed to leave, the perfect chance came up when Matt asked if I wanted to go on a walk.

We didn't say much on the walk at first; I think both of us were pretty content to just be quiet, but then I couldn't take it anymore and blurted out, "Okay, so what happens now?"

He didn't seem surprised by the question and answered, "Well, we're dating. So, I'll come down and visit you, and you can come visit me and we'll spend time together."

"Okay, I get that, but what ARE we? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? Are we dating? Are you going to be seeing other girls? I need clarification. I mean, we've known each other 5 1/2 years now....it seems a bit silly to me to say that we're dating."

"Do you want to see other people?"

"No. Do you?"

"No."

"Sooooo.....you're my boyfriend, then. And we're not going to see other people. So, we're not simply dating. We're in a relationship."

"I guess so. Are you okay with that?"

"Yeah. Are YOU?"

"Yeah. I mean, that's what I thought we were doing, but I think it's good that we talked about it."

A couple of hours later, he and Heidi and Jason were getting ready to leave (I had a house-sitting obligation starting that evening and needed to get going myself.) and as I walked them out to the car to say goodbye, I started getting nervous. Was he going to kiss me? Do nothing? Should I do something? Hug him? Shake his hand? (Remember, Matt and I had essentially NO physical contact in the entire course of our friendship, save the one evening of the Jazz-a-thon.)

"Well, I guess I'll talk to you when you get back, huh?"

"Yeah, I'll call you sometime tonight."

"Okay, then. Well, thanks for coming down. 'Bye."

"'Bye."

We just stood there looking at each other and then he reached out his arm, grabbed mine and pulled me to him......

And gave me the sweetest hug ever.

Blessings and love,
Erin

(No, he didn't kiss me then....that would come later....)

New Hair....

2010-06-21T21:22:00.003-04:00

This is my new hair cut......I feel rather saucy with it, to be honest with you. :)

Of course, I can't get it as straight as my hairdresser did, so it's a bit curlier than in this pic (after I got home from the salon), but I still am digging it.

Yes, I kept it longer on purpose...I like having the option of pulling it back if I want to or am feeling lazy. Which, let's face it, is MUCH of the time. ;)

And no, I didn't color my hair...it's still the same red it's been my entire life. Sigh.

What have YOU done lately for yourself?

Blessings and love,
Erin

What If?

2010-06-18T15:37:00.002-04:00

As of today, I am 25 weeks into this pregnancy with Junior Mini.

Over halfway done. Eep!

"The List" of things to do remains completely fresh and not a one has been crossed off. Yet. Part of that is to do with Matt's schedule not winding down till next month, part is sheer laziness and procrastination on my part, and part is a small, whirling dervish named Levi.

But, in the quiet part of my heart and when everything is still, I find myself asking "What if?"

I never really blogged about it after Levi was born, but I fell apart. Oh, I hinted at it, but never really opened up, which now I think is a shame. I don't know why we feel like we need to hide our weaknesses, so I'm opening my poker face and this is me, unfiltered. Call it post-partum depression, regular old depression or whatever, but emotionally, I fell completely and utterly apart. I questioned everything I did, everything I said, everything I felt and convinced myself that Levi would be better off with someone else as his mother. Horrifying, isn't it? Oh, but it gets better. Of course, all of my feelings were somewhat compounded because of all the nursing/eating issues we were having, and the guilt of not knowing he wasn't getting enough to eat, and the work that entailed after that was finally straightened out (go back in the archives if you need a refresher.).

I began resenting Matt for having what I saw as a "normal" life. He got to go to work, get out of the house, interact with people and then come home and see what I had been dealing with for maybe an hour before Levi went to bed. I would think to myself that neither he or Levi needed me and that anyone could do for them what I was doing. I was being sold a lie and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker.

I didn't want to go to church, I didn't want to talk to my friends about it, I didn't want anyone's help and I certainly didn't want anyone to know what I was feeling. I literally felt as though I had been shattered and that I would never be put back together again. And that no one understood.

And through all of these emotions, wounds and issues from my past began to plague me. Things that I had long believed were behind me were resurfacing and I was being forced to take a long, hard look at who I was--who I THOUGHT I was.

So one afternoon, Matt and I had a talk. And I told him I needed help. And for probably seven or eight months now, I've been seeing a Christian counselor who has helped me tremendously. I now feel more like myself than I have in a very long time and the rage and helplessness that I felt in those first months with Levi have long gone and I now have tools and methods I can turn to if I ever feel that way again.

I am confident that the Lord is healing me from many things. I am confident in my relationship with Matt and in my ability to be a mother to Levi and this new baby. I believe I now KNOW who I am and am beginning to appreciate who I am. But still, I wonder....

What if?

What if I break again? What if I shut Matt out? What if I feel exactly the same way after this baby comes? What if I get worse than I was after Levi's birth?

How am I going to handle two children who need to be fed and loved and played with and put down for naps and bed times and bath times? How am I going to do the laundry and get dinner on the table for me and Matt? How am I going to make sure our relationship doesn't fall to the wayside?

What if I don't produce enough milk to nurse this baby, like with Levi? What if, what if, what if?

Logically, I know that there will be a transition period and that for a while, some things just may not get done and that it is more than okay. And that if I can't nurse this baby like I hope, that it's okay, too.

Emotionally, though, I'm nervous. I'm nervous that the glue isn't dry yet on the newly closed wounds. That I will crack (again) and the result will be the same (again).

But, thankfully, I have talked to Matt (and my counselor) about these things and we are communicating very openly about all of this. I am praying for God to provide me with the strength I need and the grace to get through this next post-partum time. And I'm praying for protection from this as well. And I fully intend on continuing to see my counselor through and even after the baby's birth. So, I have a plan.

And my plan, prayerfully, does not include the words "What if?"

Blessings and love,
Erin

Erin in Love (Part Twenty-two)

2010-05-29T10:58:00.002-04:00

So, we last left off with me leaving from a friend's wedding where I was Matt's date and thinking that maybe, just maybe, I had made a mistake in telling him 'no'.

That question would haunt me for the next several weeks and it didn't seem that it would be resolved any time soon. Because, remember, Matt had told me he didn't trust me anymore (again), and that it would take some time for us to get back to the level of friendship we had before (again). So, with that in mind, I kept my question in my head and kept my mouth shut, resolved to do what I could to repair our friendship.

For those of you who have read this blog from way back when, you know that in one of my former lives I traveled quite a bit for work. Well, after Jason and Beth's wedding (which was right after Christmas), I was assigned the task of working in West Virginia during the week (I would drive back to Columbus on Fridays) to help them get their branch up and running. This entailed a lot of long hours at the branch and in a small town in WVa, there just isn't much to do, so at the end of my long days, I would go back to my hotel, order dinner and watch TV before going to sleep. Pretty boring existence, I'll tell you.

Matt's birthday is in February, and I would usually get him a card and something small as a gift. Since I had so much time on my hands, I decided that I would crochet him a blanket. I had recently learned how, thanks to my lovely friend Nicole, and wanted to practice my newfound skill. Only, this blanket soon began to look more like a bedspread than a blanket. I went a little crazy with the width, apparently.

So as I would crochet this blanket at night, I would also pretty regularly call Matt to talk, strictly because I was trying to salvage our friendship (or so I told myself--I think I was really trying to gauge how he felt about me now and if there was still any interest on his part). We would talk for awhile and slowly but surely, I felt like we were regaining our footing in our friendship. But I was still plagued by the question of did I make a mistake? However, I had decided that I would NOT bring it up to him. If there was anything still there on his side, I wanted him to be the one to reintroduce it, not me. So my lips were still sealed.

My stay in WVa lasted for 7 weeks (yes, it was a LONG time), and in February (2004), "The Passion of the Christ" opened in movie theaters. My church had rented out several screening rooms at a local theater and were selling tickets as an outreach, and I had already planned with my friend Heidi that she and her husband Jason (a different Jason) would come down for the weekend and go see it with me. My parents had also decided to go to the movie and one night when we were talking, I asked Matt if he'd like to come down to visit and to go with us. He said yes.

When the day arrived that they came down (Matt rode with Heidi and Jason), I was nervous, nervous, nervous. I hadn't seen Matt since the night of Jason and Beth's wedding and I still wasn't sure how he felt about me. But when they got to my apartment, everything went smoothly. We all had dinner and laughed and talked and had a great time. Then Heidi and Jason went to bed, leaving me alone with Matt. I know.

Matt and I were sitting on the couch talking and when a few moments of silence had passed, Matt cleared his throat and said:

"Erin, we've been talking a lot the last few weeks, and I just need to know. Are you having second thoughts about us dating?"

I know I started blushing and I kept my eyes on the floor because there was NO way I could possibly look at him and have this conversation. (Really mature, I know.)

"Um.....um......yes."

"Well, I still think we should date. I want us to date."

"Okay."

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. I know what you're thinking: "She said "OKAY?"" In my defense, I was feeling very flustered and it was the first response that popped into my head. And by no means is this the last installment. There's more to the story.....

The Rundown

2010-05-25T16:25:00.003-04:00

For those of you who still happen to read this blog (is anyone out there? really?), I'm back to the land of the blogging. And I'm committing to blogging on a more regular basis, especially since I have lots rolling around in my head that I'd like to put somewhere.

Since it's been two months since I last posted, here is a rundown on what we've been up to these days:

~Levi (aka Little Man, Minitins) has turned ONE. I can hardly believe it. He is a pure, wonderful joy and Matt and I can hardly remember what life was like without him. Not to brag, but my little man is SMART. He can now climb the stairs, run around like a dervish, stack blocks, wave 'hi' and 'bye-bye', sign 'all done' in the proper context, give a high five, make an Indian whoop sound, clap, give hugs and is an expert at the books with the 'lift and look' flaps. Eating wise, he is working on taking milk out of a sippy cup (anyone else have an issue with this with their child?), he loves the following in no particular order: strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, peaches, pears, apples, yogurt, grilled cheese, peanut butter, cinnamon, potato salad, scrambled eggs, string cheese, regular cheese, peas, potatoes, green beans, corn, chicken, pizza, bread, pasta, tomato-basil bisque and it goes on and on.

~For those of you who haven't heard, we are expecting baby number 2 on October 2nd! We are thrilled and just had our 20 week ultrasound this past Friday. All looks well and we decided to not find out the gender this time around, as we did with Levi. No gut feelings for me either way, and we're having a very difficult time deciding on names for Junior Mini.

~Matt is winding down his semester at MCC and gearing up for the summer session, which is new for him. His piano studio is doing really well, and we have been so blessed at how God has provided for us and how it allows me to stay home with Levi.

~We are taking our first vacation since 2008 in July and we're going to be visiting the Thousand Islands here in NY, which are about 3 hours east of Rochester. We're very excited to be going somewhere for pleasure that isn't to Ohio and it will be nice to have Levi with us.

~I have also applied for us to be 'This Old House' because we have to finish our attic to make room for the new baby and we have NO IDEA how to go about doing this. So, we'll see what happens. :) Not counting my chickens, that's for sure and I'm sure the whole process will provide much fodder for the blog here.

~We are taking a "sabbatical" from serving in the church in the fall, and I'm looking forward to having a break, especially since the baby is coming in October.

~We're heading to Ohio for the holiday weekend and I'm looking forward to seeing our families and spending some time out of Rochester. It feels like eons since we've been out of the state. :)

And, that's all I've got for now, folks. But I promise I'll be back soon and with lots of stories of embarrassing things I've done recently. I know you can't wait.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Erin and the Terrible Thursday

2010-03-20T11:14:00.002-04:00

Last Thursday was an AWFUL, I mean AWFUL day. Emotionally, physically, mentally....it was just a BAD day.

Actually, the entire week had been pretty stressful, but Thursday was when I totally lost it. Would you like to know what sent me over the edge? No-bake cookies. You heard me. No-bake cookies.

Thursday night is our couples' Bible study, and we host here at our house. Thankfully, we had already decided to order pizza for dinner, so I didn't have to cook, but I did need to provide a dessert. Short on time, energy, and patience, I decided to make no-bakes. They're easy, everyone loves them and it would be quick, right? Right.

So, with Levi down for his afternoon nap, I went to work.

Now, the previous owners of our home got the brilliant idea to install a smoke detector in the kitchen, and it is super sensitive. As in, we can't make a piece of toast less than 500 yards away from it or it will go off. It also goes off if the humidity in the room reaches a certain level.

As I was stirring the sugar mixture for the no-bakes, it got pretty warm in the kitchen (also due to a fantastic weather day we were having), and the next thing I knew, the smoke detector was blaring. Greeeaaattttt.

So I pulled out our stepstool, climbed up and dismantled the offending detector, and went back to my boiling pot of sugar, butter, cocoa and cream of tartar.

What did I hear then?

Levi WAILING at the top of his lungs. The infernal smoke detector woke him up and he was TICKED OFF.

Of course, right at that moment, I had a huge mess of boiling sugar, oatmeal and peanut butter on my hands. And with oatmeal flying all over the floor and stove, I just couldn't leave it unmixed. Or could I?

I decided Levi could wait till I was done stirring everything together and if he hadn't calmed down, I would go up and check on him.

Which is precisely what I did.

Only Levi was inconsolable. And then the phone rang. And I was on the phone for 10 minutes with a screaming baby and a pot of no-bake cookies on my stove. (Do you see where I'm heading here?)

So as soon as I got done with the phone call, I raced downstairs with Levi on my hip and went to the stove.

Ahem. (I need to take a moment before I divulge my utter stupidity to you all.)

When I tried to pick up the wooden spoon out of the pot, I was horrified and angered to find it had cemented to the ENTIRELY SOLID POT OF NO-BAKE COOKIES.*

Levi was still screaming, so I set him on the kitchen floor to try and salvage the mess I made. First on the list was trying to get the spoon out of the pot.

After that was done, I decided to reheat the whole mess on low and see if that would work.

Patience, at this point, was out the window, because chunks were flying EVERYWHERE, Levi was still screaming and the mess started to smell as though it was burning.

So what did I do?

I threw the whole mess, including the spoon (not the pot), into the trash.

Then I picked up Levi, went to the rocking chair and started to cry right along with him.

I have since decided that I shouldn't attempt to make no-bake cookies for a nice long while.

Blessings and love,
Erin

*I am not normally so culinary blind, but in this case, I completely forgot how quickly those little suckers harden up. So, I'm not entirely to blame...it was part hysteria, part baby brain.*

Erin in Love (Part Twenty-One)

2010-03-07T15:48:00.003-05:00

(As an aside before I get into this part, I have a couple of random thoughts. #1: I can't believe I'm now up to 21 parts of this story--that seems to be totally nuts. #2. I have also forgotten a BUNCH of awesome stories about our saga that I will include in a special edition at the end of our story.)

"What do you mean, I'm being hasty? You're the one who said you needed time to think things through. I'm just being realistic. We can't be friends anymore. I'm done."

"Well, I don't think it's as simple as that, and of course I didn't mean that we shouldn't be friends anymore. I just think maybe we shouldn't talk for a little bit."

The conversation continued and we both agreed that we could have handled the situation better, and that neither of us really wanted to end our friendship. Talk then turned to a wedding of a friend of ours that Matt was in (he was the best man). Many moons earlier, Matt had asked me to be his date. Of course, I had said yes, since as you all know by now, we went to weddings together. It was what we did. But now I wasn't so sure I should go with him, considering what had just happened over email.

"Sooo.....do you still want me to go to Jason's wedding with you?"

"Well, yeah. Why wouldn't I?"

"Because when I said I would meet you in PA for George's wedding, you told me not to bother."

"Well, that's because you were only going to come out for the day of, and that was a long trip to make. I want you to come to Jason's wedding with me."

"Okay, then. I guess we'll firm up details sometime soon." (Jason and Beth were getting married on the 27th of December, and this was early December.)

"Okay. I'll talk to you later."

After that phone call, things settled down into a relatively drama-free state. One evening before Christmas, Mr. X and I had met for dinner after work and were walking, when it finally came up. He'd come to a decision.

"Erin, I have prayed about this for so long, and I really care about you and don't want to hurt you, and I just don't think that if we date it would last. And I don't want to date you if I'm not sure that it would lead to something serious."

Well, I was pretty stunned, but I understood and more than anything I wanted my friend back. He also explained that he had decided he wasn't going to pursue anything with M either, which admittedly helped me not to feel that I was passed over for someone else.

Life, it seemed, was on track and getting back to normal.

One afternoon, I was with my beloved friend Nicole, and the topic of Matt came up. I had been explaining that I felt like the right decision had been made to NOT date Matt when she threw me for a loop.

"Erin, I don't think you should close that door with Matt."

"What? That door has been closed. There won't be anything between us. We're just friends. That's how it's supposed to be."

"Well, I really have a feeling about it, and I don't think you should close the door. Will you pray about it and try and keep your heart open?"

"I suppose." "But I really think it's closed."

As Jason and Beth's wedding drew nearer, I was getting more and more nervous about seeing Matt. It had been almost a year since I had seen him last and this would be the first time I saw him since telling him 'no'. I remember getting ready for the wedding and wanting to look really nice, so I took extra care with my hair and make-up.

Then the whole drive out there, I was chastizing myself for wanting to look nice. It's not as if I wanted to date Matt. Or did I?

When I arrived at the wedding, I saw Jason in the vestibule, so I stopped to say hi and to congratulate him. As we were chatting, I saw a groomsman coming up toward us out of the corner of my eye, and since I didn't recognize him, I didn't stop talking. When the groomsman stopped in front of us, I was dumbfounded to see it was Matt. With SHORT hair. And NO facial hair. (All of the years I had known Matt, he had this super long, gorgeous hair. And always a goatee or beard. I had never seen him without either.)

So what was the first thing I said to him?

"Oh my gosh! You cut off all your hair!"

Nice, Erin. Really nice.

Jason started laughing and said, "You didn't tell her you cut it off?" and Matt said, "No, I wanted to see her reaction."

My reaction? Well, I don't know what my face looked like, but my head was reeling.

"Oh my gosh, he has short hair. Wow, he looks great in a tux. I'm so nervous. I shouldn't have come. What am I going to do now?"

I was escorted in to the sanctuary, and ended up in a pew right next to his parents and sister Sarah. If I was nervous before, I was even more so then. I never even thought about the possibility that they would be there.

Well, the ceremony started and I couldn't help but stare at Matt the whole time. I was still quite shaken and berating myself for not saying something different when I saw him.

Then after the ceremony, I discovered that there was quite a bit of time before the reception started and I had no idea what I was going to do to fill the time. Matt would be needed for pictures and we clearly didn't ride to the wedding together, so I was on my own. Matt's family were talking to me and I mentioned that I might go to Barnes & Noble to pass the time when Sarah asked if she could come with me. Um, what?

I told her I would be happy to have her come with me and away we went. To cover my extreme nervousness and anxiety over what she (and his parents) must think of me since I had told Matt that I wouldn't date him, I chattered away at her. We ended up having a lovely time at Barnes & Noble and we made our way over to the reception, where I learned that not only was there assigned seating, but I was at the same table with Matt's family. And NO ONE ELSE. Oy.

Over dinner, we made small talk and they were all so nice and polite and friendly that I found myself relaxing as the evening went on. I would try and catch Matt's eye, but of course, being the best man, he was really busy. And talking to a lot of girls. Which did NOT make me happy.

Then, as Matt and I were finally able to spend some time together (i.e. dance), I noticed he was holding me a bit closer than he ever had before and my heart just started racing. The rest of the night went way too quickly and we were talking and laughing and having a great time. It was as if nothing had ever happened and we were old friends again. But something was off.

Matt walked me out to my car as I was leaving and we just stood there for what seemed ages looking at each other. I wanted so badly for him to hug me or do something, but instead he said goodbye and that he would talk to me soon.

I got in my car and drove away, the entire time thinking, "What on earth have I done? Did I make a mistake in telling him no?"

Blessings and love,
Erin

Erin in Love (Part Twenty)

2010-02-23T08:51:00.004-05:00

So as I was trying to figure out things with Mr. X (and failing miserably), Matt was still calling. And wanting to know where we stood, if he could come visit me (I always had a reason why he couldn't), and what did I think God was telling me?

To be honest, after my "epiphany" that I would tell Matt 'yes', I started second guessing myself. Big time. I would take many trips down memory lane and remember all the drama and bruises my heart took in college (most notably the incident where he told me he didn't think he could be my friend anymore), and I was doing a superb job of convincing myself that dating Matt would be a HUGE mistake. Add in all the drama and uncertainty with Mr. X and my world felt like it was upside down all of the time.

One evening, Mr. X and I were talking outside of church after praise team rehearsal (have I ever told you all that I love to sing, and used to sing on worship team?), and he casually mentioned that M was coming into town that weekend to see him. He wanted me to know so that I wouldn't be taken by surprise when I saw him with her at church on Sunday. I had been debating making a weekend trip to Heidelberg for Greek Sing, and when Mr. X told me M was coming, that made up my mind for me. I would NOT be in town to see her; there was no way I was going to be under scrutiny (for Mr. X had also told M about me) and I had no desire to see or meet her.

When I told Mr. X that, he got rather upset with me. Seems he thought I would stay and meet her. I told him I didn't understand why he thought I would even want to see them together and subject myself to her possibly giving me the evil eye. Then he asked me what I wanted to happen.

"I want you to pick me! I don't want you to pick M. I don't want to feel like this anymore. If nothing is going to happen between us, I'd rather know now then however long from now till you figure it out. It's not fair to me or to M."

Mr. X agreed that it wasn't fair, and that he was trying to do the right thing. I left for home feeling more confused and bewildered than ever. But I knew one thing. I couldn't keep Matt waiting anymore. So, a few days later, I called him. And what happened next shouldn't have surprised me, but it did.

After our phone conversation, in which I told him that I didn't think we should date and I was afraid of losing or messing up our friendship, I was at work and received an email which took me right back to the day when he broke my heart the first time. Only this time, I wasn't heartbroken. I was ANGRY.

"Erin,

I understand your feelings, but I just don't know if I can trust you anymore. I don't think we should talk for awhile until I figure things out.

Matt"

That was the gist of the email (I can't remember it exactly) and when I read it I thought my head would explode. I couldn't read it without getting angry for three days. He couldn't trust ME? Because I told him NO? Who did he think he was? I was trying to PROTECT him and our friendship and he has the nerve to tell me for the SECOND time in our friendship that he didn't think he could trust me? Oh yes, I was angry. When I finally felt I had regained my composure over the email, I knew exactly what I was going to say to him.

"Matt,

I'm sorry you feel that you can't trust me, but I think you're being unreasonable in telling me so. I have been trying to maintain our friendship and I'm sorry that I've hurt you. I know you're stressed with finishing your thesis (for grad school) and that you've been making an effort to come and see me, and I appreciate that.

You told me once before that you thought I was a liar and that you couldn't trust me and I just don't think I can continue in this friendship any longer. Friendship is a two-way street and I worked really hard to regain your trust the first time and I just don't have the strength left in me to do it again. I'm sorry, but I just can't. I'd always be wondering when the next time would be when you would tell me that again. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for hurting you and I wish you nothing but the best for your future life.

Take care,
Erin"

A couple of days later, I was at rehearsal for our church's Christmas program and after it was over, my phone rang. I answered and it was Matt. He asked if I didn't think we should talk, and I said that I didn't have anything left to say to him and I didn't know why he was calling.

His response?

"Look, don't you think you're being a bit hasty here? We shouldn't be friends at all?"

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. It's going to start getting good, girls! I promise.

Hello? Anyone There?

2010-02-22T11:48:00.003-05:00

Do you all hate me? I wouldn't blame you if you did....

To apologize for my absence would be highly insulting, so I won't....but to start to make amends, here's a brief highlight of the last couple of months (in bullet points, no less!).

~Christmas 2009 was emotional, happy, sad and our trip to Ohio was extended to accommodate the calling hours and funeral for my grandma. She passed away Christmas Eve from pneumonia (she had lung cancer). Levi was spoiled and got lots of wonderful gifts and had a grand time trying to chew wrapping paper.

~OHIO STATE WON THE ROSE BOWL! Did you read that? OHIO STATE WON THE ROSE BOWL! :)

~Levi is now an almost 10-month old crawling, pulling himself up and scooting along every piece of furniture we have machine. He has also been introduced to the world of DAIRY and loves blueberries, yogurt, cheese, apples, pears, peas, sweet potatoes, parsnips, carrots, broccoli, Momma's famous tomato-basil bisque, bread and anything he can pick up himself and eat. He is a babbling fool, too, and just so happy and fun. At his 9-month check-up, he weighed in at almost 21 pounds and is in the 50th percentile for every category. I can't tell you how much we love and adore this little fellow.

~Matt is well; just insanely busy between teaching 4 classes at the college in addition to his 40 piano students. He and I have been trying to spend more quality time together (yes, I'm still semi-fasting from TV), and our marriage feels stronger than ever. (Sorry for the cliched sentiment.) Matt also turned 32 in February, and to celebrate, I threw him a murder mystery party, which, if I do say so myself was the BEST. PARTY. EVER. Seriously, we had loads of fun. I highly recommend them.

~I am keeping busy running the house and taking care of Levi, but carve out time when I can for girlfriends and taking care of ME. :)

~Oh yeah, for those of you haven't heard, we're having a BABY. Yup, another one! We are so excited and nervous about going from one to two, but can't wait to meet this little one. I'm due October 2nd, and we had an ultrasound this past Tuesday to make sure everything is okay (I had a miscarriage in November). So far, everything looks perfect, heart beat was 145 BPM and there is only ONE baby. :) Let the home renovations begin!

Okay, if I promise to post more often, will you all start reading again? Pretty please? ;)

Blessings and love,
Erin

Erin in Love (Part Nineteen)

2009-12-07T17:44:00.003-05:00

For a refresher for those of you following along, in our last installment, our beloved heroine (aka ME) was asked by Matt if she would pray about beginning a dating relationship with him. She said she would, and then felt as if she had her answer. But things were about to get very confused....

While Matt was in Italy, I continued to pray about us dating. At the same time, however, I was still spending quite a bit of time with Mr. X and some of that time was just Mr. X and I alone. And with Matt quite literally thousands of miles away, things started to get.....interesting.

Mr. X had decided that he was going on vacation up the Eastern seaboard in his Jeep and also use it as a period of seeking God and really tuning into Him and His will for his (Mr. X's) life. He (Mr. X) asked me and our two friends (who are married--hi you two lovebirds!) to compile CDs of our favorite music/songs for him to listen to while he was gone, and the three of us also decided on our own to write him letters telling him what he meant to us as a friend. My letter to Mr. X was hard to write, because I really didn't know if I could put into words what his friendship meant to me. As you might imagine, we had gotten very close (as friends) and I was starting to develop stronger feelings for him. But, I wrote the letter, and off it went in a sealed envelope with Mr. X on his adventure.

By the time Mr. X returned, Matt was also back in the States from his trip to Italy (what is it with me and guys that go away? hee.) and had called me a couple of times to get together, but I kept putting him off, saying I needed more time to pray. I was also getting really nervous about saying 'yes' to him about dating, fearing that if it didn't work out, I'd lose his friendship and that was the last thing I wanted. I was also really nervous because of Mr. X and my and Matt's previous discussions about dating and such (read: when my heart busted in a million little pieces when he said he didn't think he wanted to be my friend anymore.).

So, yes, Mr. X returned. And things were different. And I didn't like it. The easiness of our friendship was gone and things were just awkward. Then he called me one day and asked if I would meet him for coffee after work. He said he needed to talk to me about something. (I should mention briefly that Mr. X had another friend who was also a girl. He had planned to see her on his vacation on his way back to Ohio, and I was expecting them to start dating. I assumed he wanted to meet with me to talk about her. I was so. very. wrong.)

I got to Starbucks before he did, and pulled out my Bible and started to pray. Then Mr. X walked in and after ordering his coffee, he came over to the table and we made brief chit-chat before he got down to business.

"Erin, I want you to know that I've prayed a lot about this, and I would never want to hurt you, but I feel that I need to tell you something."

"While I was on my trip, I had three questions I was praying and seeking God about. The day that I read your letter [I had instructed him not to read my letter until he got to a specific place] and listened to the CDs you made me, I was also praying about you. I'm attracted to you, Erin, and I was praying about if I should seek a relationship with you."

(insert stunned Erin and her wildly beating heart)

"I don't think I have an answer yet, but I didn't think it was fair for me to be praying about this and not tell you about how I feel. I've already told N & J [our friends] and they're praying for us, too."

"I should also tell you that I'm not just praying about you. I'm also praying about M [his other friend that he had seen]."

Our conversation was lengthy and I have to admit I could hardly meet his eyes during the whole thing. I was confused, astounded and completely baffled. And I knew one thing. I didn't want him to choose M. I wanted him to choose me.

But what about Matt?

Oh yes, Matt.

It's simple, really. Matt completely and utterly flew out of my head at that moment. And it would be awhile before anything would be sorted out, and it would bring with it some painful moments.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Wow...I Used to be....Interesting!

2009-10-08T13:40:00.002-04:00

So, just for kicks, I was reading some of my archived posts...

Kids, I was witty. Even, dare I say it, interesting.

I know.

What the heck happened?

Blessings and love,
Erin

Levi Love

2009-10-07T10:39:00.003-04:00

And Yet, I am Unmoved

2009-10-07T09:59:00.003-04:00

Okay, so the title of this post has nothing to do with what I'm writing about, I just love that particular moment in a favorite book of mine. (bonus points to anyone who knows what it is!)

So time has continued to march on and life here in the Brazofsky household has pretty much stayed the same. Matt is busy (what's new?), but good, Levi is getting busier, but good and I am busy, but good.

Fall has definitely arrived and I am SO loving it. Fall is, without question, my favorite season. There's just something about it that makes me want to do anything and everything cozy and warm. It brings out the urge to bake every day, wear nubby sweaters, drink hot chocolate, coffee and apple cider, kick leaves, go for brisk walks and light every candle in the house. Anyone feel me on this?

And it always makes me stop and take pause over what I'm thankful for (you know, with Thanksgiving around the corner and all).

There's always the "normal" stuff--husband, house, food on the table, wonderful baby boy, family, friends, church....and that's not to say that those things SHOULDN'T be appreciated, because, by golly, do I know how blessed I am.

I mean more introspective things. Fall makes me take an internal inventory of ways God has grown me in the past year. And 2008 was a doozy of a year, personally and emotionally speaking.

But this morning I got to thinking: why do I only do this once a year? Shouldn't I be thanking God in all circumstances instead of just remembering things?

I'm doing a Beth Moore study at my church this fall, and so far, it's been an excellent study. It's called 'Beloved Disciple' and it's about the disciple John. One of the days this week we looked at the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ and she really challenged us to stop and really put ourselves in that moment. We all know the story and so it's easy for our minds to fill in what we're reading (or glossing over), so when she was talking about (this is in the workbook) when Jesus appeared to the disciples and showed them His scars, she said (and I'm paraphrasing here) that Jesus knew their finite minds and that they would need to see the scars on His hands and side to know that it was really Him. Nothing earth shattering there. I think we all would be the same way and have thought about it like that before. What she said next was what really got me thinking. Basically, isn't it like our human nature to expect when someone takes a "beating", whether physical or emotional, that we expect the scars and wounds to disappear as if it never happened? That the healing would erase everything? And yet, Jesus still had His scars.

WOW.

Now, don't get me wrong. I do believe with all my heart that God wants to take our hurts and heal us from trials and our past, but this really started me thinking about the expectations I have for myself. That even though I have past hurts and emotional scars of my own, since I'm a Christian, they should be gone. And so this discovery has really given me a sense of freedom I haven't felt in a long time. It's okay to be ME. Hallelujah! ;)

So we'll see how this changes/affects me in the long run, but I'm excited to see where God takes me.

In other news, I have decided to take a month long break from TV, the only exception is that I'm allowed to watch football on Saturdays and Sundays. Matt has been wanting for a very long time for us to stop watching TV, and I finally got to the point where I realized I should take a break. I didn't realize how much time I was allowing the TV to suck from my life. I mean, it's unreal. You should see the house! Seriously. I have had so much time to do other things during the day (not that daytime TV is any good anyways--WHAT was I thinking watching all those court shows?), that this morning, I cleaned and organized the ATTIC. And now I'm blogging. The house is spotless, the laundry is done, the dishes are done, the bills are paid, I know what I'm making for dinner, I had my quiet time, played with Levi, put him down for a nap and CLEANED THE ATTIC. Yeah, I'm loving this "free" time.

But there are times that I miss TV. For example, I am DYING to know what is going on on The Biggest Loser, but I'm not even allowing myself to read about TV shows, because that will become my replacement for TV and the whole point is for me to spend more time with Matt, Levi and God. So wish me luck, ya'll. It's only day 3, and I don't know how much more cleaning the house can take. ;)

Okay, that's about it from me. I could continue rambling, but then what good would that serve?

I'm hoping to get back to putting up 'Erin in Love' installments, so keep an eye out for them. Who knows? With this 'no watching TV' thing, I may have more time for blogging and pestering you all.

Blessings and love,
Erin

The Devil...No, not THAT Devil

2009-09-09T16:07:00.002-04:00

So I think that Facebook is the new devil.

Well, not the devil devil but you know, the devil.

Because you see, I spend WAY too much time on Facebook seeing what my friends (hi, ya'll!) are doing and reading one liners about what kind of bagel they had for breakfast, what they are doing for the weekend, how much they hate (insert sports team here), how the kids are doing and oh yes, that they are making chocolate chip cookies, that I "don't have time" to blog. Or email. Or call people.

"I'll just Facebook you!"

When did Facebook become a verb?

Anywho, so that's partly why I haven't been blogging.

As for the other part, well, you know, I have a baby. An all-consuming, 24 hours a day job that requires copious amounts of my attention for some strange reason.

Housework? Forget it. I need to watch Levi drool on his cute little outfit.

Cooking? Matt can have PB&J for all I care! Levi needs to spit up on me again so I have to change my outfit.

Reading? Nope. Got to make sure that Levi is properly stimulated and screams for 5 minutes because I'm a bad mommy that makes him have "tummy time".

You know, all of that could read like I'm super mad or stressed about my life, but I'm really not.

I LOVE being a momma. And I especially love being Levi's momma. And all kidding aside, the housework DOES get done, I DO get to cook regular, real meals and I still manage to have reading/knitting/TV time for me. Some days it just FEELS like I'm in the vortex of a very small 25 inch high man.

Before we change topics, I will give you the obligatory Levi update. (I know you're all excited...you can quit trying to hide it.) We had his 4-month check-up today (he was officially 4 months on the 1st) and he now weighs in at 15 lbs. 3 oz., 25 inches long and his head is 16.5 inches around. On the whole VERY AVERAGE. Yay Levi! He also apparently is advanced because he can grab his feet and stick them in his mouth. Who knew this was such a skill? He's also advanced because he can do a "tripod"...essentially he can "sit up" but since he doesn't have the strength to actually sit up, he folds in half, but is balanced. Yay for folding in half, buddy! :) His pedi said he is a "beautiful boy" (what mother in their right mind would argue with that statement?), is "very strong", will most likely be crawling before his 6-month check-up (um, I think he can slow down on that one), and is a "busy" guy. So there you go. My rockstar baby as summed up by his pedi.

Life on the whole is very, very good. I am very thankful that I am able to be at home with Levi and that we had Matt around essentially the whole summer. I'm really glad for him that he got to spend so much time with Levi now that school and piano lessons have started back up full force. His schedule is much nicer than it has been in a couple of years, so I'm glad for that....it's hard to schedule stuff when you're teaching at a college and you have around 40 families that you teach piano for. Not to mention Bible study and leading the junior high and having family time. But anyways, we are thankful he's busy and that he's got work!

I have been reading all of your blogs (even though I've been a BAD commenter), so I feel caught up with all of you for the most part, and I promise I'm going to start commenting again. I really feel convicted about that. And I'm hoping to blog more, too. Why do I even have the blog if I'm not going to post? Just be patient with me, okay? It may take awhile. ;)

Okay, so before I go, I want to share this concoction I made last night for dinner. I've made it before for Matt and he LURVES it (yes, lurves)...I'm sure I didn't create this, but in my head I did since the first time I made it, I just did it without a recipe and from the top of my head without having anything like it before. (Don't you think that means I did really create it?) If any of you make it, tell me if you liked it and what you would do to improve it, okay? (Trish, I'm especially looking to you, here.) Oh, and change quantities as needed--I guesstimated because I don't really measure. Shhh. Don't tell anyone.

Bourbon Chicken w/Mushrooms

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (cleaned and trimmed)
~1/4-1/2 cup bourbon
~1/2 -1 cup thinly sliced white mushrooms
~2 tsp. garlic powder
a good squeeze of mustard
~2 tbsp. butter (or slightly more)
~1/4 cup cream (or half/half; maybe slightly less than 1/4 c.)
pepper and salt, to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Heat a medium sized skillet over medium-low heat and melt butter. In a bowl, combine bourbon, mustard, garlic powder, salt and pepper. Sear chicken breasts in butter till both sides have a nice golden color (they won't be cooked all the way through). Once chicken breasts have been seared, turn heat down to low and add bourbon mixture and mushrooms to the skillet. Let sit for a couple of minutes, then put in a baking dish.

Bake, uncovered, till chicken breasts are cooked through and juices are clear.

I usually serve this with salad or potatoes. I have also made this omitting the cream and it's been just as good.

Blessings and love,
Erin

The Story of Levi

2009-07-27T17:09:00.003-04:00

Before I get into the gory details of Levi's birth, I want to thank you all for your sweet comments on my previous post. Your support and love has come to mean so much to me, and I can't tell you how I appreciate it.

I am doing much better emotionally, and it was very cathartic for me to write out everything. That said, I promise to seek the help of my doctor should things not continue to improve--I really don't want to worry any of you.

And now, for the good stuff! :)

On April 29th (which was my original due date, by the way), I spent the day doing much of what I always did before Levi's arrival: cleaned up the house, did some reading and tried to figure out what to make for dinner, wait for Matt to come home.

I was also extremely discouraged because my due date (Monday the 27th) had come and gone and there was zero activity on the labor front. I was so ready to have the baby out and to be done being pregnant. I also had another OB appointment scheduled for Thursday to check to see if I had progressed any and if not, Friday would have brought an NST to check the baby.

Matt came home and I think we had leftovers for dinner and then he had piano lessons from 6-7:30 here at the house. When he has piano lessons here, I hole myself upstairs and spend that time blogging, checking my email and all that good stuff. So as I was reading blogs and checking my email, I noticed I was having "twinges", but I chalked them up to Braxton Hicks contractions. However, as the hour and a half kept progressing, I realized that they weren't as irregular as I thought and at 7:20 I decided I should start timing them. After half an hour of timing, I decided that I was definitely in early labor and the contractions were at that point 10 minutes apart.

Matt came upstairs after his last lesson and I told him that I was pretty sure I was in labor and he said, "Well, let's go for a walk and we'll keep timing them to make sure it's not just Braxton Hicks." (so very much like a man! ha.) We went for our walk and pretty much every 10 minutes I was having a contraction. So when we got back, I called my mom and told her that I was in labor, but not to drive out here yet and Matt called his parents to tell them and to have them pray.

At 10:30 that night, I decided to go to bed and at 3:00 am decided to get back up because I realized I was being woken up by increasingly stronger contractions and they were coming every 7-8 minutes apart.

Matt woke up at about 7 and came down to check on me and I told him that they were still 7-8 minutes apart, but some were coming after 5 minutes, and he decided to cancel his class for the day. After much debating, we decided I should keep my doctor's appointment so we could have confirmation that I really was in labor and to see how far things had progressed since the night before. We also loaded up the car just in case my doctor decided to send me straight to the hospital (we didn't think that would happen).

At the doctor's office, I did the usual weight check and all that and I told the nurse as we were going back that I was pretty sure I was in labor and she said, "Oh, that's nice!" I don't think she really understood the urgency of the situation for me, but at any rate, instead of waiting the usual million years for the doctor to come to the exam room, she was there in about 5 minutes with a greeting of, "So, I hear you think you're in labor!" Um, yes.

She asked me how far apart contractions were and she examined me and said I was 2 1/2 cm dilated and 90% effaced and to go home and wait till the contractions were steadily 5 minutes apart and then to call the office to let them know we were heading to the hospital. At this point, I knew it was on.

After we ran some errands and got home, we had lunch and talked about how weird it was to think that the baby could be coming that very day and that this was the last day of our lives without the baby being here. After lunch, we both took a short nap and woke up to my good friend Joy dropping off a hospital care package (I had called to let our Bible study friends that I was in labor and to have them pray). We visited with her and Micah (her son) for about 45 minutes and then decided to go on a walk.

This walk was a lot different than the walk the previous night...in the middle of the walk, the contractions started getting so strong that I had to stop walking and concentrate on breathing through them. The pain was still really manageable, though, and the breathing definitely helped.

On our way back, we saw our neighbor who asked how much longer we had till the baby came and looked so shocked when we told her I was actually in labor at that point. Ha! After talking with her, we went inside and decided to play cards.

We were playing cards for awhile and I was still having to pause and really focus on the contraction and breathing and then all of a sudden, Matt says to me, "I think we need to go to the hospital." I asked him why and he said, "Because you can't remember how long it's been since the previous contraction and you're forgetting that you've already told me things."

So as I was still laboring through the contractions, he called the doctor's office to tell them that we were heading in, and the nurse he spoke to said, "So! I understand you think your wife is in labor!" He politely said, "She really is in labor, and I'm just calling to tell you that we're going to the hospital now." He wasn't a happy camper and told me that he felt like saying, "I don't think she's in labor, I KNOW she's in labor!"

We locked up the house and headed to the hospital and the whole time I just kept thinking how this isn't real and maybe I wasn't ready after all. I was still having really difficult contractions about 3-5 minutes apart and I couldn't talk through them anymore and Matt was really jumpy on the car ride in.

We get to the parking garage and my mom calls me....of course, the parking garage is a dead zone and I lose reception. She calls me back as I'm getting out of the car and she starts crying because I can't talk through the contractions and because she's still in Ohio. I got off the phone with her and Matt told her that he would call her back once we were settled in the hospital room.

We make it to the elevators in the hospital and I keep having these intense contractions and all I can do is breathe and literally stare at Matt. Of course, we have to wait what felt like an eternity for the elevator to come, and as we're waiting I realize in between contractions that all these people around us are staring at me. One sweet lady, bless her heart, asked me if I needed a wheelchair. I said no and thanked her and she said, "Sweetie, you're doing much better than I would be if I were in your shoes!"

When we got to the labor and delivery floor, we went to the triage station and Matt gave them our information. As we're waiting for them to bring it up, I whispered to Matt to not let them send me home. At that moment, the thought of going home was unbearable to me and I was terrified they would check me and say, "Go home and come back later." Matt assured me they weren't going to send me home, and right after that the triage nurse comes up and says that they're all full and she's going to call the labor unit and see if they can just take me now without me being in triage. So she calls down there and talks to the nurse and says, "Well, it's her first pregnancy, so you know it will take a while and I figure you all can just as easily send her home from there as we can from here," and I just about lost it. She hangs up the phone and sends us down to the labor and delivery unit and we are taken to a room where the nurse says, "What we're going to do is have a doctor check you and determine if you're going to stay here or go home. If we decide to keep you (um, excuse me? I'm not going anywhere once you put me in a gown and in that bed!), this will be your room." The doctor comes in and checks me and announces that I'm 4-5 cm dilated (she can stretch me to 5) and completely effaced. I was officially admitted and given a wristband and all that jazz. This was about 5:30 pm.

After we got settled, I decided to try the jacuzzi tub for awhile. It was really helpful, actually, but the water temp was way too hot at first and so I felt far more toasty and sweaty than I had outside of the tub! After laboring in there for awhile, I got out and went back to the bed and tried to continue to relax and breathe through everything. And here is where time runs away from me.

I had a sweet British nurse who kept saying to everyone who would come in the room to check on me that I was as nice as could be unless a contraction came and then I was "very focused and wouldn't talk." The doctors also kept asking Matt and me if we wanted to come back and teach their Lamaze class--I guess we were pretty impressive. Ha.

The nurse also kept asking me if I wanted an epidural, and I know she was doing her job, so I wasn't irritated by it, but my plan all along had been to see if I could do it without the epidural and so far, I was doing just fine, so I declined.

Matt suggested that we walk around the floor some, and even though I didn't want to, I agreed and we made it one time around the floor....for me, walking was NOT helpful. I did go back to the tub, though, for a little while more and then after I got out of the tub, the contractions really started coming close together and were a lot more painful. At this point, I decided that I did want the epidural only so that I could get some rest before having to push. Matt rang for the nurse and she got everything ordered and while we were waiting, I had this really hard contraction and Matt was counting with his fingers (we were doing "hee, hee, hee, hoo" and he would switch it up with his fingers) and I cut him off mid-contraction because my water finally broke. I believe my exact words were, "You have to stop and go get the nurse! My water broke!"

After that I asked to be checked and I was 8 cm dilated and that was when the anesthesiologist came in to do the epi. Right before he came in though, I was sitting on the edge of the bed and I couldn't stop shaking. I wasn't cold, but every fiber and muscle in my entire body was shaking. The nurse said this was transition. Fun stuff, transition. Everything went fine with the epidural and the nurses changed again and I had to wear oxygen because the baby wasn't getting enough, apparently.

Even though I wasn't feeling any more pain, I didn't sleep any because after my water broke, with each contraction, the baby's head would push against the umbilical cord and the heart rate would drop. This caused a whole bunch of people to keep coming in and checking things out and they had me shifting positions to see if that would help matters. It didn't. Eventually, they had to pump fluid back into me to provide a cushion for the baby's head during contractions and an internal monitor was used to keep an eye on the heartbeat. Matt was zonked pretty much through most of this, thankfully. Poor guy was really beat.

So I spent a lot of time talking to the nurse and praying and being turned every which way but upside down and then some doctors came in because of the heartbeat stuff and they decided that they were going to have me push just once so they could see what kind of a pusher I was. And yes, Matt was still asleep. Our nurse asked me if I wanted her to wake him up, but not thinking that this would be the start of the pushing, I said no. Whoops!

So they had me push and they all started commenting on what a great pusher I was, which totally shocked me, because I expected to be a wuss. They also checked me and I was 9 cm at that point with a very thin lip of cervix that went away when I pushed, so they decided that I would start pushing!

I then asked for Matt to please come over and I started pushing.

Oh boy.

When you are told that you can't practice for pushing and that it's impossible to describe the sensation or pressure you feel, you don't really know what to expect, but you think of something in your mind (or at least I did) and think that it will be a certain way. IT IS NOTHING LIKE YOU COULD IMAGINE OR WILL EVER BE ABLE TO DESCRIBE. Seriously.

And, just to make things more interesting, when I started pushing, I could feel everything on the right side of my body. By the time Levi was born, I could feel everything on BOTH sides. The epidural completely wore off.

So I'm pushing and pushing and pushing. And they keep telling me what an amazing pusher I am and that there is a lot of progress, as the baby's head is moving MILLIMETERS. Can I just tell you how discouraging that was to hear? It felt like the baby's head was going to pop out any minute and they are telling me I'm only pushing it millimeters.....oy vey.

At one point, I manage to open my eyes (because I didn't even have the strength or energy to open my eyes at all after I started pushing) and look at Matt and tell him that I can't do it anymore and to please let them cut me open and take the baby out.

My loving, wonderful, awesome, amazing husband took one look at me and turned into complete coach-in-the-4th-quarter-with-the-game-on-the-line mode and said very firmly and pointed his finger at me, "Look at me. You are DOING this. You CAN do this. I am with you. God is with you. You ARE DOING THIS."

My response?

"Okay."

And then after a total time of a little less than an hour of pushing and 31 hours of total labor, the baby's head came out, and then fairly quickly the rest of him did. Official time of birth: 2:18 am; 7 lbs. 5 oz. and 19.5 inches long.

I was too relieved to be done pushing and too exhausted to cry, but I remember anxiously waiting to hear if it was a boy or girl and the doctor looked at Matt and said, "Do you want to tell her what it is?" and with tears in his eyes, Matt turned to me and half-whispered, half-cried, "It's a boy!"

I was so surprised to hear that it was a boy because Matt was so convinced it was a girl and I can honestly say that it was the biggest surprise of my life and I would wait to find out all over again.

We had a lot of visitors the next couple of days and I was actually held one more day because strangely enough, they thought I was pre-eclamptic AFTER giving birth. But my blood pressure came down enough to be released on Monday morning and we arrived home that afternoon to balloons and my parents videoing and lots of food and well wishes.

I really can't complain about my labor and birthing experience and to look at the little man now and think back on the nine months he was inside of me is so surreal. I'm not anxious to do it again anytime soon, but I know that there will be a next time. Every time I see Levi smile at me, I think of how completely worth it it all was.

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. friend of Matt's from BG that was at our wedding--when was your baby born? Matt would love to hear from you and the good news! his email address is still the same, so when you get a chance, shoot him a line. And thank you for the card--Matt was so surprised! :)

Crawl before Walking

2009-07-09T18:00:00.004-04:00

I don't know where to begin, except to say that I'm tired.

I'm tired of this rollercoaster of emotions and tired of continually feeling like a failure. That I'm failing the precious boy that I love so very much. That I'm incompetent and don't know my baby.

Having Levi is making me look at a lot of issues that I haven't dealt with from my past that have festered and I've ignored for years. Issues and hurts that in my head I tell myself shouldn't matter and shouldn't affect me now as they have, but my heart says that they are still as raw as if something that happened in 7th grade happened yesterday. Most of those issues center around feeling that I'm not worth anything and being a failure (as previously mentioned). And as a Christian, I know where my worth is, which is all the more confusing to me as to WHY on earth this is still an issue for me.

The truth is this: Jesus Christ loved ME--Erin Nicole (Yost) Brazofsky--so much and thinks I am worth something more than what I've believed that He DIED for me. Died for my sins. Died for my feelings of inadequacy, hurt, loneliness, anger, resentment. He wants me to look to Him for my worth--to know that my worth is in Him, not in what anyone else thinks it should be (a better mother, a better daughter/sister/friend, thinner, prettier (not going to happen--can't change my appearance!), a better wife).

So why is it so hard to let Him take the hurts? Why is it so hard to move on?

I know, I know--I'm human. I have human emotions.

But can I be honest?

I am so SICK of feeling these emotions! I don't want to feel them anymore...I WANT to be able to turn them over to the only person who can take them away for me.

Why don't/can't I?

I don't know. I really, really, don't know.

But I know that I have to start somewhere, and maybe admitting what's on the inside right now is a first step. Maybe getting it out instead of keeping it bottled up is where I need to begin.

I know I need to really start talking to God about this and seeking His help for all of this.

And thankfully, I have a husband who doesn't let me get away with telling him that I'm fine when I'm clearly not. Who makes me talk to him about what I'm feeling, no matter how ridiculous I feel sharing it. And when I tell him that I feel like I'm losing my mind and don't know how I'm going to get myself together, tells me that it's okay and that he's there.

It's time to stop belittling myself for what is inside and accept that it's there and do something about it. And I need to start talking about it, which is why I'm doing so now. I didn't intend to sit down right now and spew all of this out on you (sorry, by the way--you poor unsuspecting dears), but apparently my head had other ideas.

Please don't worry that I've gone off the deep end or have gone crazy...I really am okay, I am just feeling tired and beaten up emotionally. Maybe it's a bit of post-partum depression, I don't know. But I know the things that have recently arisen need to be dealt with and I can't run from them anymore.

I promise my life isn't all gloom and doom...God has been so unfailingly good to me and has never left me. Levi is thriving, Matt is wonderful and my rock, and I have friends I can turn to for help (I need to learn to be better about asking for it, though.), not to mention a family who loves me.

Please don't feel obligated to comment on this post--it really was more for me than you. This has become a journal of sorts for me, so that's why it's here.

You know the beautiful thing about this? At the end of this journey/process/whatever, God will be glorified in a magnificent way because of the healing that He did. And that is something I can't wait for. That my mended heart can be used to bring Him glory.

There is a song that I love--it's more of a chorus, really, but it reminds me of just how much God cares and is aware of what I'm going through, even when I feel the furthest from Him.

You dance over me
while I am unaware

You sing all around
but I never hear the sound

Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You

How You love me

Isn't that wonderful? He dances over me. Me! And I am so unworthy. But because of His sacrifice, I'm not.

I think that's a great place to start--because I have to crawl before I can walk, right?

Blessings and love,
Erin

Life in the Fast Lane...

2009-06-29T17:35:00.003-04:00

Or, life in a time warp, as I like to say. :)

Since my last post, (which I realize was NOT anything significant or noteworthy about my life these days--sorry, y'all, but you'll have to take what you get. hee.) there are a number of items I would like to fill you in on that have happened.

---I turned THIRTY on Saturday. THIRTY, people. I wasn't upset about the idea of turning THIRTY, but man, does it feel weird to say that I'm THIRTY (and yes, it warrants the use of all caps. deal with it.).

---Something that should have been blogged about before the last post: Matt and I have now been married 4 years as of June 11th. Surprisingly enough, I do remember what we did to celebrate (you've caught me on a good day here people)--we went to a favorite coffee house on our old street (Park Ave., for you fellow Rochesterians) for coffee and dessert and we did take the baby. But it was fun and we had a good time reminiscing throughout the day of what we were doing on that fateful day at that particular time. I also came home to a message on the machine from Matt who was at a piano student's house and he had the student play the theme to 'Rocky' since at that point in time, we were probably being introduced at the reception and that was our grand entrance music (Matt requested it, not me). Happy Anniversary, again, my love!

---Levi has been thriving and becoming a much more contented and happy baby. The visiting nurse services only lasted for a week, because my superbaby was gaining 3 oz. every two days, on average and they weren't concerned that he was going to regress. We took him to the pedi 2 Mondays ago for a final weight check and he was up to 8 lbs. 12 oz.! I know, that's not a lot for a 6 week old, but you have to realize that the day we took him to the hospital? He was 6 lbs. 9 oz.....so in a matter of 11 days, he gained something like 19 oz., which I think is pretty incredible.

---A disappointment for me is that my milk supply is waning, and that Levi is basically nursing for comfort, not nutrition. So, he's getting pretty much all formula, all the time. Not that it's bad or that I'm against him having it (clearly, the boy needs to gain weight and he needs to eat and I don't make enough to give him, so I'm going to do whatever I need to to make sure he grows and gets nice and fat.), I'm just sad that I can't nourish him like I had hoped. After we got back from the hospital I spent my days pumping, nursing and giving him a bottle and doing precious little else, including finding time to shower, and it was utterly exhausting and I wasn't yielding great results from the pumping. During the last visit with the pedi, she asked how I was feeding him, so I told her my routine and she said, "You're basically working like you have twins." That was eye opening for me, and I made the decision (a very hard decision) to reverse the supplementing plan--feed primarily with formula, and supplement with nursing. The thought of keeping Levi healthy and growing is what is keeping me from beating myself up about this. He's more important than my desire to breastfeed, and I learned that I CAN breastfeed--he just needs more than what my body is capable of giving him. I don't know if I ever shared this with you all, but when I was 16, I made the decision to have a breast reduction and was told at the time that I would most likely not be able to breastfeed whenever I chose to have children. Matt and I spent all 9 months of my pregnancy praying that I would be able to breastfeed and God answered that prayer--and I'm so thankful for that miracle. However, because of the type of surgery procedure (there is a newer procedure/method they use for that operation), I believe that I was left with very few milk ducts intact, which has hindered how much I'm able to pump and how much Levi is able to get. Trust me, after pumping every 2 hours for a week and seeing very little results, I think my theory is pretty good. But anyways, my precious, precious little boy is growing and the only "issue" we have now is trying to get him to take naps during the day. He seems to think he's all grown up and doesn't need to nap. :) He is smiling and starting to laugh and just a joy to have. He's discovered his hands (his feet, not so much) and is in love with Matt and his hippo friends, Hiram, Higgum and Huey on his pack-n-play mobile. They dance together. It's cute. We have lots of new pictures to upload, but we first need to get an external hard drive because there is no more room on the computer for pics, unfortunately. So bear with me and I'll have some new ones for you soon.

Wow, I haven't posted that much in a LONG time! Whew! Aren't you all glad that I don't post like I used to when nearly every day was a post full of ramblings and nonsense? (don't answer that.)

Okay, it's nearly time for another Levi feeding, so I must go, but I love you all and hope you're doing fabulously! A new 'Erin in Love' installment is brewing, as well as another post of a more serious nature. We'll see if I actually post it. ;)

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. Have safe and happy 4th of Julys!

Erin in Love (Part Eighteen)

2009-06-22T08:58:00.002-04:00

After Jarred and Jody's wedding, things got decidedly more complicated for me. At another wedding about two months later, I met a very nice guy named Todd. We talked and danced and then as I was leaving, he stopped me and asked for my number. The downside? He lived in Michigan. I wasn't thinking realistically about him, though, to be honest, and probably led him on a bit unintentionally. We lost touch quickly.

The bigger complication came in the form of a friend I made at church. Although my friends in Ohio who read this blog will know who I'm talking about, we'll call him Mr. X. (ha!) Mr. X and I met at Bible study and quickly became friends. He is a great person and has a very strong relationship with the Lord and I really enjoyed his company, especially being new to the church and not knowing many people. Mr. X reached out and made me feel very welcome.

As time went on, Mr. X and I spent a lot more time together, on our own and with other friends. There were two friends in particular whom we spent time with, my wonderful and close friends, John and Nicole. In retrospect, it probably wasn't for the best that I spent time with Mr. X with couple friends, but the four of us became very close and did a lot together. And while I still wasn't sure what was going on in Matt's head, I was very content to remain friends...because I was developing feelings for Mr. X.

Sometime in late May, I had to go to Houston for work. The night before I was to go home, I was in bed getting ready to sleep when my cell phone rang. Wondering who on earth would be calling me at 11:00 Ohio time (Houston is an hour behind us, I believe), I picked it up and on the other end was Matt.

He told me that he was at the laundromat washing his clothes so he could finish packing for his trip to Italy the next day. Yes, he was leaving the next morning for Italy and he would be gone for six weeks. We chit-chatted for awhile and joked about how much of a procrastinator he was that he was doing his laundry at 11:00 at night the day before he was to fly out and then, all of a sudden, after a slight pause in conversation, my world got turned upside down.

"Um, Erin? I was wondering if you've ever thought about us dating."

(WHAT?--my heart stopped beating for at least a minute, I swear.)

"Well, not for a long time, but yes, I have in the past. Why?"

"Well, I've been thinking about it a lot recently and would like you to pray about us dating while I'm in Italy. Since I won't be able to call you and I'll be there for six weeks, I thought it would be a good way for us to really seek the Lord in this, and then after I get back, maybe we can get together to talk about it."

(Again, WHAT?)

"Um, sure, I'll pray."

"Thanks."

After that, I decided I needed to get off the phone quickly. I just couldn't understand what he was thinking. I mean, the NIGHT before he was to leave for SIX WEEKS to a different COUNTRY and he decided that was the time to tell me he wanted us to start dating? What planet was he living on? And I didn't know how I felt about him...especially since Mr. X had come onto the scene.

I spent the entire next day thinking of nothing else but my conversation with Matt and what he'd asked me to do. I felt excited, happy, anxious, nervous, scared, angry....there were so many emotions running through me that I couldn't figure out what I was feeling. On the flight home, I wished I had someone to talk to about it, but instead started praying.

That weekend, I decided to go to my "old" church (the one I attended in college), and the pastor preached about stepping out in faith, using Peter walking on water as the main text. I'll never forget it, because I felt as though God was using that sermon to me to tell me that it would be okay and that I should step out in faith with Matt...and that as long as I kept my eyes on Him, He wouldn't let me fall. I left that Sunday feeling I had my answer ready for when Matt came back.

I thought wrong.

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. Levi is doing MUCH better--thank you all for your prayers. He is gaining weight like a champ and now we're working on getting him to take naps during the day--he is a nosy little guy and likes to be awake all day, apparently. :) And I have to give a big shout-out to Missy, my friend from college who commented on my last post. Hi Missy!! :) And thank you all for your encouragment and prayers--it really means so much and Matt and I really appreciate it.

Failure to Thrive

2009-06-07T22:39:00.004-04:00

So if you are my friend on Facebook, you already know that we spent a few unexpected days in the hospital with Levi. (and if you're not my friend on Facebook, why not??) To say that it was one of the worst days of my life would be an understatement. I am beyond devastated at what it was that landed him there.

As I mentioned in my last post, we were under the assumption/belief that Levi suffered from reflux. We took him to the pediatrician's office on Wednesday for his 1-month check up and I was very nervous heading in, because I felt that he hadn't gained any weight, or very little weight, since the last time we were there. Well, it turns out I had every right to be nervous.

We saw the nurse, who asked some questions and then weighed him. He lost FOUR OUNCES from the previous week when we had him in there when they diagnosed him with reflux. As soon as the nurse left the room, I started bawling. How on earth could I be failing my little guy so badly?

Then, it got worse. His doctor came in, looked very serious and after her examination of him explained that Levi was "very weak" and that he was "giving up" and that we needed to take him to the hospital--do not pass GO, do not go home, go straight to the pediatrics ER. I couldn't stop crying, Levi was crying, Matt was holding Levi and trying to comfort me and both he and our doctor were trying to tell me that this wasn't my fault.

We headed to the hospital in a daze and I spent the entire ride (and most of the next two days) blaming myself for the situation we found ourselves in. I just didn't understand: how could Levi put out 6-8 wet diapers and at least 1 poopy diaper a day and not be gaining weight? And worse, how could he be LOSING weight? What was wrong with me and how could I not know that my baby was hungry?

I won't tell you everything that happened when we got to the hospital because quite frankly, it was horrifying emotionally and I would rather forget it ever happened. Needless to say, we were admitted and I spent the next two days with Levi...pumping every two hours, nursing when I could and supplementing with formula so that my baby could start turning around and getting healthy again. It was hard, exhausting and I have never felt so much guilt in my life. Not from the nurses or doctors or even Matt--they all were extremely supportive and kept telling me that I wouldn't have known that he was hungry based on his symptoms and the fact that he was wetting diapers, etc. And as much as I knew (and know) that in my head, it's quite another matter to tell that to my heart. In my heart, I couldn't get past (and am still having a hard time with it, honestly) the thought that I was the one that landed Levi in the hospital--he was there because of ME. Even now it's like a knife in my chest to think about it.

And I feel guilty for being so frustrated and discouraged...and when I think about the fact that this went on for 4 weeks? I won't even tell you.

Yes, I'm laying it on rather thick, but really, it's how I feel.

The good news is that we are home and he has gained weight like a champ. We took him to the pediatrician's yesterday for a weight check and he's 2 ounces away from his birth weight, which thrills me. I'm just praying that he will soon surpass his birth weight and that we get back into a rhythm as a family. I am supplementing with formula because his ped believes that I was giving him 80% of what he needed before, but since then, my supply has decreased due to all that was going on with him. So, I'm pumping and giving him bottles and nursing when he wants it. It's a bit tiring right now, but I know that when we find the right balance and combo, it will be better.

Today was challenging because we don't know what his cries are for now--since we were reading everything "wrong", it feels like we're starting from square one and he's a brand-new baby again. And he spent a good part of the afternoon not sleeping. He didn't cry the whole time, but not napping isn't good. I have a theory that the formula is upsetting his tummy a bit and creating gas bubbles. If things are like that tomorrow, I will call the ped office and get him in to be seen.

We also have a home nursing service coming tomorrow, Wednesday and Friday to weigh him, per the recommendation of the hospital to make sure that he's still gaining weight. I am feeling some pressure about that in that I'm worried that he won't gain weight, but I know that he's getting food and he's keeping it down, so he should be alright. But of course, I'm still a little jumpy and upset over last week, so we'll see what happens.

About the guilt--I've really been praying about it and asking the Lord to take it away from me as well as turn it over to Him because I know it doesn't come from Him. It's not easy...but I know that I didn't intentionally keep Levi from getting enough to eat and that I did everything I knew to do. And I know that God is good and merciful and I am so thankful that He was watching over Levi and taking care of him through all of this, and I pray that we continue on this upswing and continue to see a more contented and happy baby.

I know this is incredibly disjointed, but I'm still not completely rested up from the hospital stay and I really just needed to get this all down and out of my head. So thanks for bearing with me...it's been a bumpy ride so far as a parent and I know there are more struggles ahead, but I wouldn't trade my little Levi (or Lever2000 or Mini-tins, as we like to call him) for anything.

Please keep us in your prayers--I don't know know where we'd be without our friends and family praying for us!

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. Donna, thank you for your comment--of course I remember you! I'm always glad to see you're still reading. :)

Levi Matthew

2009-06-02T11:42:00.005-04:00

So, yeah....

I'm a mom now...which is still just a bit nuts, really. I'm sorry I haven't blogged in such a long time, but it's been a crazy four weeks, that's for sure.

In addition to finding our footing as a new family of 3, Levi has been having a lot of trouble with digestion and we think he has reflux, so as of last Tuesday, he's been taking baby Zantac twice a day. It hasn't been fun, to say the least. I feel so bad for him because he's in so much pain (he's not spitting up, but we can hear him swallow it and he just screams afterwards) and there really isn't anything I can do to ease his pain. I hold him as much as I can and keep him upright and I've tried modifying my diet and everything that everyone tells you to do, but really, he just needs to get a bit bigger so things mature and he won't be in pain.

We went home to OHIO! for Memorial Day weekend and I don't think I will ever travel with a 3-week old again. We didn't get to my parents' house till 4 am on Saturday and then the rest of the day he just wailed and took 5-minute naps until he was so exhausted that he conked out. Not good. But, we had a good time and I'm so glad my sisters got to meet him and for my grandparents to see him as well, so it wasn't a lost cause. ;)

I will admit that I've struggled quite a bit emotionally, especially before we found out that he probably has reflux, and it's been hard for me to remain positive. But God is good, as is all of our friends and family who are praying for us, and I'm starting to feel like myself again, thankfully. And Matt has been absolutely amazing throughout all of this. He really is a rockstar and the best husband on the planet.

And lest you think I absolutely despise motherhood (which I don't--I love my little boy more than I can express), when he's not in pain, it's so much fun to watch Levi take in his surroundings. He is the most aware and nosy little guy I've ever seen and he likes to look around at everything. His facial expressions are also pretty darn funny and he always has a concerned look on his face--I think he's concerned with the state of the world. Hee. He's very mini and has super long arms and legs (which he did NOT get from me) and I think he's going to be a wide receiver for Ohio State and play the piano like his daddy. Oh, and did I mention that he has a faux-hawk AND a mullet? Yup, my son is definitely fashion-forward. ;)

I'm looking forward to the days ahead as Levi grows and we can see more of his personality and hopefully when he isn't in any pain anymore. His one month check-up (can you even believe that?) is tomorrow, so we'll see how he's doing.

Okay, since I do want to accomplish some other things while he is napping, I will go....here are some of the million pictures we have--most of these are on Facebook, so you can see them there, too. :)

More later, I promise! (and it will be more positive, too)

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. blogger is being weird and poky and not letting me move the pics around, so this is all I have for now. more later!

He's Here! :)

2009-05-06T20:13:00.002-04:00

Yup, I know most of you know this already, but this is the first time I've had to use the computer, so I'm taking advantage of it. :)

Levi Matthew entered our world on May 1st at 2:18 am (what a long night!). He weighed 7 lbs. 5 oz. and is 19.5 inches long and absolutely perfect. He's adorable and wonderful and has LOTS of hair and we are just so in love.

I will post pictures soon, I promise--my mom is here for the week and has been a blessing.

Blessings and love,
Erin

And, We're Off!!

2009-04-30T11:17:00.001-04:00

Baby B. is on the way!!

2 1/2 centimeters dilated, 90% effaced and contractions are 6-7 minutes apart (have been for about 3 1/2 hours).

We're at home for now, but will be heading into the hospital when the contractions are a bit closer together.

Please pray for a quick, safe and healthy delivery!

Blessings and love,
Erin

Erin in Love (Part Seventeen)

2009-04-27T11:35:00.002-04:00

So Matt's cousin Jarred (hi Jody!) was getting married, and he had asked me to attend the wedding with him. I, of course, said yes, since that's what we always did--go to weddings together. I was a bit apprehensive about meeting his family members and what they would think was going on (if anything) between us, especially since Matt hadn't dated anyone in a number of years, but knew we would have a good time.

The day of the wedding arrived and I drove myself up to his home in Mesopotamia for the first time ever. I was really nervous about the drive, because I don't like not knowing where I'm going, even if I have directions...I know, I'm weird, but just go with me. Plus, I had this shaky feeling about seeing Matt again and I really didn't know why. But, I made it earlier than I expected and it was nice to see him.

Now here's where things started getting weird. At least for me. When I got to his house, Matt asked if it was okay that we meet his childhood friend Paul and his fiance for lunch before the wedding and then go to the wedding from there. I said sure, and we got changed into the outfits we were going to wear to the wedding and headed off to Max Doogan's (I think) to meet up with them. Being introduced to one of Matt's oldest friends was really nervewracking to me and I remember asking all kinds of questions about Paul and what he did, etc. maybe in an attempt to bolster my confidence. I was sure Paul was going to meet me and then afterwards tell Matt what a lame-o friend I was. Or something like that.

We got to the restaurant and Matt introduced me to Paul and we sat down and waited for Melissa to come before ordering. I let them do most of the talking except for when a question was directed to me and then I was shaking like a leaf. What had Matt told Paul about me? That we were just friends? That we had some major drama in school? I had no idea and it was KILLING me. Melissa arrived shortly after we got there and we all settled in and had a very enjoyable lunch. It was during lunch that I learned Matt would be going to Italy for 6 weeks as part of his grad work (this is important later). After I finally allowed myself to relax and be myself, things went well and when we left, I felt great about my first meeting with one of Matt's friends that wasn't from Heidelberg.

We still had some time to kill before the wedding, and after I had asked Matt what he had gotten Jarred and Jody as a gift, he realized he never got a card for them, so we went and picked up a card and walked around Chardon for a little bit till it was time to head over to the church.

I had still yet to meet any of Matt's family and here we were, walking into a church to see his cousin get married. Oy. Vey.

I have to be honest and say that I don't remember who we sat next to, and I don't remember much about the ceremony except that Jody looked GORGEOUS and everyone in attendance and in the bridal party looked overjoyed to be there. But what I do remember...oh heavens.

After the ceremony, we stood in the receiving line to congratulate the newly-married couple and when we got to Jarred's parents (Uncle Mark and Aunt Karen), Matt introduced me and it went a little something like this (at least to my memory--I'm probably blowing it WAY out of context. hee. but it should show you how paranoid/nervous I was about meeting his family.):

Matt: Uncle Mark, Aunt Karen, this is my friend from college, Erin.

Me: It's very nice to meet you. The wedding was beautiful--congratulations!

Aunt Karen: Oh, you're Matthew's friend! How nice! So glad you could come!

Notice the emphasis on 'friend'? Yeah, like, "Mhmm...sure, you're his "friend"...you're probably MORE than his friend, right?" (and his family all calls him Matthew--it's just what they do.)

We went down the rest of the receiving line, meeting other cousins and congratulating Jarred and Jody and then we headed outside to send the couple off to the reception.

And everywhere we went, there were family members to be introduced to. Uncle David, Aunt Lois, Aunt Rhoda, Uncle Ron, Bethany, Aunt Gail, Uncle Frank and on and on and on till my head was swimming. And everyone was extremely friendly and nice and asked me questions about what I did, where I lived, etc. but it seemed that there was this underlying current of, "hmmm....what's really going on between you and Matthew?" and it was another very anxious moment.

We got to the reception and found that we were seated at a table with his parents, brother and sister-in-law, and an aunt and uncle of his. This made me even more nervous than being at the wedding did, because sitting at a table and trying to carry on a coherent conversation was a little more than I thought myself up to the task for. But dinner went well, except I think I made a fool out of myself trying to talk to Aaron and Dawn (his brother and sister-in-law), but I don't remember over what. The only strange thing was......

It seemed like every aunt came over to our table to get pictures of the family, but they insisted that they take a picture of me and Matt as well. I couldn't understand it, and at one point whispered to Matt that I felt a little weird about them taking a picture of the two of us since they didn't really know me, and why would they want a picture of us when I'd probably not see them again?

He whispered back, "Just go along with it--they're probably just thrilled that I brought a date!"

Umm......okay.

We danced and had a great time the rest of the evening and as we headed back to his parents' house after, I decided that it would be a great time to talk about how we were beyond all the drama of the past and, gee, wasn't it great?

There was a bit of an awkward silence and Matt finally said, "What do you mean?"

I explained that I finally felt like we were at a place where we were just friends and that we were both okay with it and that God had really helped us mature and move beyond the struggles we'd had in college and that I was so thankful that there wasn't any weirdness between us anymore.

His response? "Yeah....it's great."

I didn't really understand his response and ended up feeling like I stuck my foot in my mouth, but I didn't know why. I mean, were we friends, or weren't we?

We got back to his parents' house and spent a few minutes talking on the couch. And then, there was an awkward silence and so I started babbling about how I'd just gotten my hair cut a couple of weeks ago (it was pretty short) and how the bangs were already growing out and annoying my eyes and how if I combed them directly over my eyes, I looked like Cousin Itt from the Adams Family and how I hoped it would grow out in time for Heidi's wedding in July. Babbling, I tell you, babbling. And as I was babbling, I demonstrated how long in fact, the bangs were at that point by pulling them down over my eyes and then, it happened.

Before I knew it, I felt this very soft sweep of fingers across my forehead as Matt brushed the bangs out of my eyes and said something about liking the haircut.

My heart thundered furiously from that whisper-soft touch and before he could say or do anything else, I said something about needing to go to sleep so I could get up on time to make it to Heidi's bridal shower the next day and I stood up from the couch.

He just looked at me and wished me a goodnight and said he would see me in the morning.

As I went to sleep that night, the only thing that was running through my mind was, "What is he doing? We're supposed to be past all this!! WHY did he do that? And why do I still feel his hand on my forehead?"

And just when I didn't think I could be any more confused, came a curveball from left field.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Quickie Update

2009-04-24T10:52:00.003-04:00

Nope, not in labor yet. :)

BUT, I had an appointment this morning and I am 1 cm dilated (as I was last week), so that's good news and if I don't have this baby by the 8th, we're heading to the hospital to be induced.

We are praying that the baby comes on its own, and I'm thankful that my doctor is in agreement with me to not induce until the last possible day...I really would prefer to go into labor on my own, so that's what we're hoping for.

If there is no baby by next Thursday, I have another appointment with my doctor and then on Friday (May 1st) I will go for an NST and AFI (basically, they'll be monitoring the baby and checking to see how much amniotic fluid I have).

The baby has dropped quite a bit and I'm feeling irregular contractions (I think), but nothing major or worth timing. So, we're on our way, but also at a standstill at the same time.

Anyways, that's the short of it for now. I'm hoping to post a REAL post later today--maybe even the next installment of 'Erin in Love'. Gasp! ;)

Blessings and love,
Erin

Just for Comparison...

2009-04-09T11:45:00.003-04:00

The one on top is from today--37 weeks and some change. The bottom one is 29 weeks and some change. Um, yes, my name is Erin and I am ENORMOUS.

I had a doctor's appointment today and all is well--baby's heart rate is 130 and my doctor is guessing that it's a boy. We'll see! My Group B strep test came back negative, so that's a big WOO-HOO! to not having antibiotics pumped into me while I'm in labor, and as of last week I'm not effaced or dilated, but my cervix is "soft", which apparently is a good thing (?) and my doctor doesn't forsee any issues with delivering naturally.

I'm having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions and am getting super anxious about when this baby will make an appearance. Matt still thinks girl, I still have no idea, and I think it will be like that till he/she is finally here! Hee.

So, all in all, everything is good...things are proceeding from what I can tell and we're on a collision course for baby town.

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. water retention/gain is not fun. at all. my poor feet look like ham hocks.

As Time Goes By...

2009-04-01T18:31:00.003-04:00

Um, has it really been a month since I last posted? Eek. You know what they say about good intentions....so I won't bother with excuses. I really don't have any. There have been lots of opportunities for me to post, but honestly, I've felt REALLY boring.

Don't get me wrong, I love staying at home, love how God is providing and showing His faithfulness to us, love being able to get my home in order before Charlie gets here, love being able to spend time with people during the day if I want to, but I don't know quite what to write about, you know? It's like I'd be reporting the same stuff day in and day out. There isn't a whole lot of variety to my days now, unless I tell you about stupid things I do (which, I will be sharing how I got into trouble recently, so never you fear) or how things are status quo. So, I don't post. And that's how a month goes by.

Sorry girls, I've become the dreaded boring blogger. Shudder.

Things are well in the Brazofsky household, though, and I do feel so blessed to be home, especially in these last few weeks of the pregnancy. We were given 3 showers, with one more to come after Charlie makes his/her appearance, and to say that I was overwhelmed and humbled by everyone's generosity would be an understatement. This baby is so loved and has been provided for so well that it still brings tears to my eyes. The first shower was our church shower, and we got SO MUCH...it was an incredible afternoon and I had no idea that many people would come.

The next shower was a "surprise" shower that our Bible study threw for us. I say "surprise" only because we started this tradition long ago, so we knew that there would be a shower, but we didn't know when. Again, we were so blessed with our friends' generosity and came away feeling very loved.

The third shower was one my mom and sisters threw back in fabulous Ohio. Holy guacamole, was there a lot of food. Taquitos, mini tacos, my dad's guacamole, Denise's homemade salsa, Emily's 7-layer dip, tortilla chips, my mom's homemade Southwestern egg rolls (sooo tasty), truffles (orange, mint AND raspberry), fruit salad, a veggie tray, punch, chili con queso, and an ENORMOUS cake. I don't think anyone left feeling hungry. Hee. This shower was even more special because I got to see some beloved friends that I haven't seen in forever, meet their babies for the first time, and find out that one is expecting her first baby in October! We also got lots of Ohio State baby clothes (yay!) for the baby and it was another overwhelming afternoon. But absolutely wonderful.

In addition to the showers and putting the baby's room together (I put the changing table and bassinet together all by myself, thank you very much), Matt and I have been passing a sinus infection/cold between the two of us since February. Ugh. We're both pretty much over it now though, thank God, but it was pretty gross here for awhile. Lots of steaming, using humidifiers, nasal spray and a couple rounds of amoxicillin later and we're pretty much good as new. ;)

We've also had visits from my parents and sisters (before the shower in Ohio) and his dad and youngest sister and that's been fun.

We toured the hospital last Sunday, and if I thought that seeing where I'd be delivering the baby and then recovering would reassure me or make me feel more comfortable, I was dead wrong. I am getting SCARED y'all, and I'm not afraid to admit it. Matt, on the other hand, came away from Sunday feeling ready for Charlie to get here and feels more reassured. The closer it gets, the more nervous I feel, and we've been praying every night that the Lord will be with us (especially me) when the time comes for the baby to arrive.

As much as I want to be a mother, it's really hitting me how much things are going to change and I have many moments (when I'm by myself, usually) where I start thinking about how I'm not equipped to be a mother. I think about my relationship with Matt and how it will change. I think about my relationships with my friends and how they will change. And on and on. I had one morning where I burst into tears because I just knew that I can't do this and that I'm not ready. A short talk with Matt and some praying afterwards calmed me down, but it still rears its head from time to time.

I love this baby more than anything, and I want to be the best mommy for it, and I know that God has chosen this specific baby to give to me and Matt, but it's very overwhelming, you know? And for me, I've always struggled with putting "head" knowledge into "heart" knowledge. So, I keep praying, and know that I'm not alone in this.

And Charlie is doing perfectly...we're at 36 weeks now (almost 37!) and every appointment has been great. My blood pressure is perfect, I haven't gained too much weight, Charlie is head down (and his/her little bottom is firmly pushed into my right ribs...great fun), and things look peachy keen. I have an appointment on Friday and that's when they'll do my internal exam/Group B whatever test, so I'll have more info then.

I was asked in Target at 33 weeks if I was having twins, which was demoralizing, but everyone else says I look really good for how far along I am. I'll have to have Matt take a picture so I can upload it for you all.

I am getting uncomfortable and am tired a lot, but really can't complain. I still get some heartburn, but nothing too bad, and I know the aches and pains are just part of it all, so I deal. I am getting excited to see this little person and to know if it's a boy or a girl (which, the tide has turned in favor of it being a boy, so we'll see). I've had two dreams that it's a girl and one that it's a boy, so I'm all confused. Hee. Matt thinks Charlie is a girl, though.

Junior high Bible study is still going strong and going really well. These girls are just too cute and every week they ask me how Charlie is doing and how I'm feeling. They're so excited for this baby to get here and it just warms my heart.

Matt is still my rock and has been so wonderful to me...I really can't say enough about how tender he's been with me and how loving he's been. He's taking REALLY good care of me and he is so cute when he talks to the baby. One afternoon, he was laying with his head in my lap and the baby totally punched him in the head. Ha. It was pretty darn funny. Charlie also starts kicking and punching and stretching every time Matt starts talking to him/her. If I talk to the baby, NOTHING. But Daddy talks to Charlie? The kid starts doing the salsa, I swear. :) It's sweet though, and it is so neat to know that they have a connection already.

Okay, so here's the stupid thing I did (well, I don't think it was stupid, but Matt certainly does) and then I will end this totally boring post, I promise. :)

As I mentioned, my family came out to visit us. I was 32 weeks and feeling good and spent the week cleaning and getting ready for their visit. Well, one of the things I wanted to have done before they arrived was the shower liners changed. You know how they can get scummy and gross, no matter what you use to clean them? Ours were definitely due for a change. So Matt and I had gone and picked up some. Now, because we have a clawfoot tub with a shower installed, we have to use 3 liners in order for the whole tub to have a liner, otherwise, water would spray on the bathroom walls and ruin EVERYTHING. So, one day, I'm scouring the bathroom (my least favorite task, I might add) and decide that the shower liners need to go.

Matt is at work, so he can't do it, but I decide that I surely can. I was feeling good, I would be careful, and it couldn't take that long.

In order for me to take down the scummy liners, I needed to be elevated, since you know, we have a clawfoot tub. And I'm 5'2". Ahem. So, I did what I always do. I stood with one foot on one edge of the tub and the other foot on the other edge. And then when all the liners were down, I got down and then went back up to put up a new liner. I did this three times. Never once did I slip, or feel like I was going to fall, and I was quite proud of myself for straddling the bathtub at 32 weeks and putting up our new shower liners.

Well, when Matt got home, he came upstairs and said, "What's that smell?" I told him it was the new shower liners and that it would go away soon. He got really quiet, looked at me and said, "I don't want to know how you did that, do I?" I didn't say anything and then he said, "You climbed up there and changed out the liners, didn't you?" Again, I didn't say anything, knowing that it didn't matter because clearly, I had done exactly that, and he blasts out with, "ERIN NICOLE! You are 32 weeks pregnant! You could have fallen and hit your head or hurt Charlie! What were you thinking?"

I explained that I wanted them changed before my family came and I was cleaning anyways, so it seemed like the perfect time, and that I was very careful and nothing happened, and he asked me why I didn't wait for him to do it, and I just told him that I didn't want to bother him and he'd just been sick and was still really tired, etc. And then, he said this: "I don't care what you thought, this is quite possibly the STUPIDEST thing you have EVER done!"

Then he made me promise that I would never, under any circumstances, change the shower liners again. Even when I'm not pregnant.

So I promised, because I'm a good wife like that. But I'm still not out of the doghouse for that "stunt". :)

Blessings and love,
Erin

Erin in Love (Part Sixteen)

2009-03-04T19:09:00.003-05:00

**I had a request for a new installment, and since I live to please my adoring public (ha!), here you all go. I have to admit some of these things are running together, so it's taken some time to figure out exactly what happened next. And of course, I realized that there were some FUNNY stories I forgot to include during the 'college years' saga, so those will be added at a later date. But anyways, enjoy!**

The rest of the summer went by without incident and Matt and I settled into a routine of calling each other periodically, but not getting together for visits. One memorable phone conversation sparked a deal AND debate that is still raging to this day.

See, Matt committed the cardinal sin of telling me that he didn't like the movie 'Gone With the Wind', and I committed the cardinal sin of telling him that I had no desire whatsoever to see any of the 'Stars Wars' or 'Indiana Jones' movies. This sparked us brokering a deal, that included the following:

Matt would watch all of the following movies: 'Sense & Sensibility', my 'Pride & Prejudice' BBC mini-series (all 6 tapes), AND 'Gone With the Wind'.

I would then watch the following: ALL six, in order, of the 'Star Wars' movies and ALL of the 'Indiana Jones' movies.

Matt maintains that I "tacked on" 'Gone With the Wind' only after striking the deal and realizing that I got the shaft as far as this deal was concerned. I say that 'Gone With the Wind' was always a part of the deal and that he's reneging on his promise. But whatever. (I feel compelled to tell you all that aside from 'Gone With the Wind', he has watched every movie on the list and then some, but I have only seen the first 4 'Star Wars' movies. But again, whatever. Hee.)

So that was the summer of 2002. When I went home for Thanksgiving, my dad pulled me aside and unexpectedly told me about a position he was creating within the company he worked for and that he wanted me to consider taking it. It meant a lot more money than I was making at the 'Berg, and I'd be "home" again, although I certainly wasn't unhappy with Tiffin. After much praying and agonizing over the decision, I accepted the job and prepared to move home.

In the meantime, my darling friend Heidi got engaged to her boyfriend Jason and she asked me to be her maid-of-honor and of course, I said yes. It was an exciting time, but I was sad not to be around for a lot of the planning. I figured I would ask Matt to be my date for her wedding, but didn't say anything to him at the time.

As I was in the process of packing up my apartment and preparing to move home (we're up to December of 2002), one evening Heidi came to visit and so did Matt. He had driven down from BG and we were going to go out for dinner (all of us) and just hang out. (This is an important thing to note for a later story and time, trust me.) We had a good evening and not long after that, I moved home and started my new job working for my dad.

A couple of months into my new job, Dad and I went to Virginia for a week and when we returned home, there was a small postal box waiting for me on the counter. The return address was Matt's, but I was really confused as to what he could possibly have sent me. I opened up the box and there was nothing in it but an unmarked VHS tape. That was it. No note, nothing denoting what in the world it was, nada.

Baffled, I took it upstairs and put it in my little TV/VCR combo set and proceeded to watch. (Girls, I wish with all my heart we had this on YouTube so you could see this--we're working on getting it transferred to digital format so I can post it, but in the meantime, you have to trust me that what I'm about to tell you is not a lie and is one of the funniest things you will ever see in your lifetime.)

When I was a junior in college, I had asked for one of those Robo puppies that were all the rage at the time. I thought they were cute and I just really wanted one, and my grandparents gave me one for Christmas. Matt HATED this dog. Seriously. He attempted to steal it when we were in school, but was never successful (I, on the other hand, was very successful in stealing his big rabbit fur hat and keeping it from him for a week!). His loathing of the dog increased, and ultimately, the night that he and Heidi and I went out to dinner, he got what he wanted. Namely, the dog. Apparently when I was out of the room, he saw that the dog was still unpacked and giving Heidi a "look", grabbed it, ran outside and put it into his truck and came back in without me knowing it. I assumed that the dog had been packed already, so thought nothing of it when I was finishing packing up my apartment later. Shame on me. ;)

So, this video that he sent was a ransom video for my dog. I am so not kidding you. As I was watching, I was half-laughing, half-crying because I couldn't believe he actually STOLE my dog! If you can imagine Matt with long hair and a crazy, out of control beard, picture him with dark sunglasses, a hat and concocting a foul-looking drink with mustard, A-1 steak sauce, pepper, salad dressing and some other things and stirring it with a huge Bowie knife he got from somewhere. Yeah. That's my husband.

Anyways, the gist was simple: In order to get my dog back, I had to watch all of the movies in the aforementioned scam of a deal and not only would he not have to watch 'Gone With the Wind', but he wouldn't have to watch ANY of them. Then he ended with this gem of a line: "What can I say? I'm a winner, you're a loser." and waved goodbye as the video ended.

My parents could hear me laughing and shrieking at the TV and asked me what was going on, so I took the video down and showed them what he sent me and they started laughing their tails off. It IS a clever little video (thanks for helping him with that, Paul!), although at the time I was trying to plot my revenge. Then I found out that while I was in Virginia he called my house, talked to my mom to get our address and she TOLD my dad that he was sending me something and he never told me!

I called him not long after I calmed down and tried every trick in the book to get out of this ransom nonsense. But he wasn't having it. Of course.

So, I did what any girl would do. I stalled and refused to discuss the terms of the ransom, and we went on as we were for awhile.

I had at this point, started attending a new church and was getting acclimated and making new friends there (Hi all my Westerville people! I love you!) and trying my hardest to establish a sense of belonging somewhere. Thankfully, I met some great people early on and got plugged into a Bible study of young people (some married, some not) and connected with some great girls and guys. Life was on an upswing and things were looking good.

And I thought, naively as it turns out, that my drama with Matt was over. We were good as friends and doing well. And then came his cousin's wedding.

Blessings and love,
Erin

(I know this was a bit disjointed, but it's the best I can do at 32 weeks pregnant. :) And can you believe I'm 32 weeks already?!?!?!? I met the pediatrician today, who is a total sweetheart, and things are still going well, although I think this baby likes to use my right ribs as a punching/kicking bag. Ouch. First baby shower is on Sunday! And I promise I'll give you a "real" post here very soon!)

29 Weeks (a few days late)

2009-02-12T08:02:00.002-05:00

Monday put us at 29 weeks (only 11 weeks till D-Day! ack!), and I had a doctor's appointment that morning. Everything is PERFECT, praise the Lord. I've only gained 16 pounds (woo-hoo!), passed my glucose screening test AND I don't need to take extra iron! My blood pressure was excellent and Charlie is head down (for now) and doing beautifully. My doctor seemed really pleased with everything, and I have to say, I feel so blessed with how this pregnancy has gone. Truly.

And I'm finally feeling better from a nasty cold I got last week, so things are looking up! First baby shower is on March 8th!

Blessings and love,
Erin

Erin in Love (Part Fifteen)

2009-02-11T18:04:00.002-05:00

So as I began to heal from losing my uncle, life was returning to normal and I was moving on with my plans for the summer. The biggest plan, as it had been every year since I was 15, was to attend the Dave Matthews Band concert in Columbus. The last few years I had been going with my good friend Rosey, but she wasn't able to go this year (we're up to 2002, for those of you keeping track at home!), and so I asked Matt if he would like to go with me, since I knew he had gone once before a few summers earlier.

He said yes, and we made plans to ride to Columbus from Tiffin the afternoon of the concert, and I was SO. VERY. EXCITED. about seeing "my" Dave play.

The day of the concert arrived, and Matt drove down from Bowling Green and we hopped in my little car and away we went!

Ahem.

I wish I could say that the ride down was pleasant. I wish I could say that I was in a good mood. I was not.

Matt was, how shall I put this nicely......a BIG backseat driver. And even worse, he would make these faces if he thought I was getting too close to a car in front of us or if I didn't brake early enough for him. It drove me BATTY. And consequently, I wasn't really happy that he came along. In fact, I was wishing I had anyone in the car beside him.

We made it to Columbus and headed to dinner before the concert. I had promised myself when we were being seated that I would calm down and not dwell on his backseat-driverishness and have a good time with him. After all, he was a friend, and how could I let a little bit of tension ruin my evening with Dave?

Over dinner we talked and I did gradually calm down and get more excited for the concert. We left dinner and made the brief trek over to the ampitheater, parked and headed inside. Once we found our seats, we settled in to listen to the opening act, and I turned to say something to Matt when I noticed the. most. horrifying. thing. I. have. ever. seen.

Matt was putting EARPLUGS in his ears. At a DAVE MATTHEWS BAND concert!

I was MORTIFIED.

"What are you DOING?"

"What? I'm putting earplugs in!"

"WHY?!!?!?!"

"Because it's going to be really loud and I need to protect my eardrums. By the way, you should be wearing some, too."

"Um, absolutely not. You look ridiculous!"

"Well, at least my hearing will be good for another 30 years. You know, it's really important for me to protect my hearing and I don't care if I look ridiculous."

Well, I knew then it was going to be a loooonnnnggggg night.

Dave took the stage and while I sang along and listened and cheered and was caught up in seeing my favorite band, I could forget that there was a loony next to me with earplugs in his ears. Until I would turn to say something to him about how awesome the show was and then I was brought dismally back to reality.

Don't get me wrong, I was so excited about the concert and I had a GREAT time, and there were even moments when I accepted that my friend was a crazy and I would just turn to him and start to laugh, but it was a tad mortifying for me.

After the show ended, my voice hoarse and almost non-existent, we started to head out. Knowing how crazy it was going to be to try and get out of the parking lot, I was really moving to get to the car and get out of my parking spot as soon as I could. Apparently, I was moving a little too fast for Matt's liking because after a couple of minutes of me winding in and out of the crowd (he was behind me), I felt someone grab my hand.

I whipped around and saw that it was Matt, and he was NOT happy.

"WAIT for me!"

I tried to pull my hand away, but he just held on tighter and wouldn't let it go. So there we were, walking through Polaris Ampitheater hand in hand, side by side, and I was seething.

"How dare he hold my hand like this! WHO does he think he is? He has NO business holding my hand, I don't care where we are! It's not as if I was going to leave him behind!"

He held my hand until we got to the car, at which point, I yanked it away and climbed in the car. I should have said something to him about it then, but I didn't. In fact, I didn't say a word to him, if I'm remembering correctly.

An excrutiatingly long time later, we finally made it out of the parking lot and were headed back to Tiffin.

Until my car decided it was going to play a game on me. The alternator decided it was going to start going out and dimming all my lights and sucking the power out of the car as well. I was angry with Matt, tired, without much of a voice, my ears ringing, and now my car was going to leave us stranded.

Matt, being the bigger person than me, began to pray over my car. He asked God to keep it protected and working till we made it back to Tiffin where I could get it to a garage for a mechanic to look at.

At that, my anger started evaporating, and we made it back to Tiffin safe and sound.

I had assumed that Matt would drive back to BG that night, but it was so late by the time we made it back to my apartment that he opted to sleep on my couch. He says I was unhospitable and didn't even offer him a pillow or blanket till he asked for one, but I don't think that can be right at all. ;) Regardless, I gave him a pillow and blanket, and before he settled down, he came to my bed and prayed again for me and my car.

As I was falling asleep, I remember thinking that I had been really unkind to him that whole night and I should really apologize. But I never did.

And then, things changed all over again.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Historic Photos of Rochester--a Review

2009-02-10T12:22:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago, I received an email from Turner Publishing asking me to write a review on a book they've recently published titled, "Historic Photos of Rochester." I was quite surprised, as I've never been approached to do anything like this before, and certainly not on my blog, but after giving it some thought and prayer, I said yes. I received the book a couple of weeks ago and have finally finished reading it.

Not being a native of Rochester (as you all are well aware), I was interested to see a bit of history of this city. And being a history buff, as well as enjoying old pictures immensely, I was prepared to really enjoy this book.

It's definitely more of a coffee table book, where you could peruse it for a half hour and not feel like you have to finish it by a certain time, and there isn't a plot--just a chronological look at life in Rochester through the years via pictures and brief overviews with each new section.

The sections are broken up by different time periods of note in Rochester's history--from the very early days to days of war, to the Great Depression, to the 1970s. I did find the overviews to each section informative, since I lack a great deal of knowledge about Rochester, and the pictures were interesting to look at, especially knowing where things are located in this day and age and what has been added or taken away from the city (i.e. the subway system, streetcars, historic buildings demolished for "improvements", etc.).

The book is very well put together, and while I did enjoy it, I was disappointed that there weren't any pictures of neighborhoods like Park Ave., East Ave., Corn Hill, or even Mt. Hope Cemetery. The majority of the pictures focused on downtown architecture and history, which, while interesting, would have benefited (in my opinion) from a varied look at surrounding areas and the expansion of the aforementioned streets.

Overall, I would recommend this book to any amateur historian of Rochester and the pictures show a Rochester that has remained very true to its roots--even to today. And if Rochester isn't your cup of tea, the Turner website has many other books in this series on different cities (like Columbus! yay!). It's a good book and I'm looking forward to reading it in years to come.

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. I don't think this (the reviewing of things) will become a regular happening on the blog, so thanks for bearing with me! :)

And, we're back....

2009-01-28T09:18:00.002-05:00

Really, I don't know why it is you all don't send me hate mail because I don't post more often. You're all too patient with me!!

I feel like I should have something really funny or witty to tell you since I've been absent so long, but honestly? Kids, I'm totally boring these days. Really.

I mean, there have been some funny moments (like Matt not knowing the tab-thingies for hanging folders actually had a spot to go into and so he always taped the clear tab to the front of the folder) and good times (like going to our childbirth class last Saturday--don't worry, I will go into detail for sure), but mainly, my days are now filled with to-do lists and staying home.

ALTHOUGH, I did have a crazy week last week and wasn't home for an entire day the whole week. Random errands and things to do, Bible study and youth group, visiting with friends, etc. Makes me VERY glad I don't work right now so I can do all of these things.

I am enjoying my time at home and being a wife, but I'm also feeling a little sluggish. I don't think it's anything to do with the baby, but it's more about my walk and where it is right now. You would think that being home would be great for reading my Bible more and really having some good prayer time and digging, and some days, it has been. But more often than not, I don't get around to it till all my other "things" are checked off my to-do list, and that's not how I want my walk to be. I don't want it to be in last place--God deserves the best of me, the first of me, not my house, not Matt, not even the baby. So please pray for me as I get things realigned and place more importance and emphasis on my relationship with God.

Matt and I are actually in a very sweet stage in our marriage right now. Everything I want to say about how we are and how tender he is with me is all so cliche and trite, so I won't bore you with it. But since I've been home and my stress level has lessened considerably, I have noticed a wonderful change in the time we spend together. He's the one person I never get tired of seeing. (Not that I get tired, per se, of seeing my friends, but you know what I mean.) He really is my best friend and I'm so thankful that God brought us together (I know, you're ready for the next 'Erin in Love' installment--it's coming, I promise!). He's been such a doll through this whole pregnancy and when he talks to Charlie it is the CUTEST thing in the entire world. He's started to read Scripture to Charlie and every night he prays over him/her and everything combined has really made me fall more in love with him than I thought possible.

Okay, enough mushy stuff. ;) (but you all have to admit, I have one AWESOME husband)

I don't know why I haven't blogged more about the pregnancy, but it's not because I'm not enjoying being pregnant. I really do enjoy it, and thrill every time I feel Charlie punch or kick me, even if it's in the bladder. :)

We're at 27 weeks now, and things are going along swimmingly. I really can't complain about anything--I still want nothing but Mexican food (Matt says Charlie will be born with a sombrero on), and I get minor heartburn and some ligament stretching from time to time, but that's it. The belly bump has started to explode and I finally registered. Oy vey. WHAT a process that was!

Do you have any idea of how completely overwhelming it is to stand in front of the wall o' pacifiers at Babies 'R Us? How on earth do I know which type of pacifier the baby is going to like? Or what kind of bottle? Or do I register for the uber-expensive breast pump or one that's slightly cheaper? What about car seats? Stroller systems? Sometimes, I think we have too many choices in life, that's for sure.

To help me narrow down and help me not register for too much stuff (I really don't want my house cluttered with baby paraphenalia), I polled my dearest friends who have all recently had children for their "Top 10s" of must haves and must nots. There was a lot of variation and one-off recommendations, but for the most part, there was a lot of universal items that they agreed on. Some time soon, I will share my findings with you and then those of you with children can weigh in if you like. :) It was immensely helpful though, as much as personal opinion and experience can be, and it did help me feel a little more confident walking into the store than I would have had if I didn't do it at all.

I took my glucose screening test yesterday and probably won't get the results till my next appointment, which I think is the 10th. For all of you ladies who got an orange drink (or if you're Annie and you got to eat a king-sized Snickers bar--lucky!), I am envious. Mine was fruit punch and while it wasn't the worst stuff on earth, the last drink of it almost made me lose my breakfast. NAS.TY. I don't anticipate failing this test, but really, do you ever know?

My doctor had me schedule all of my two week appointments and boy, did that ever drive it home to me that we're getting to the end. I've still had these moments of "what are we doing? we're not ready for this!" and a little bit of trepidation, but I know that this baby is from God and this is His timing, so everything will be fine.

The childbirth class last Saturday was very....eye-opening. And just confirmed to me what I do NOT want to have happen during my labor and delivery. Let me just say this about one of the videos....there was a lady giving birth (we saw WAY too much of her, if you catch my meaning) and after the head came out was having a difficult time and saying things like, "I don't want to do this anymore!" and "I can't do this!" and her midwife said, "Sure you can! How about this? Reach your hand down and feel the baby's head!" At that point, I turned to Matt and said, "No. Do not let them suggest this to me and don't you dare suggest it to me." The lady on the video then said, "I can't feel anything! It's too far down!" and started WAILING.

I'm sorry, but the idea of reaching down in that AREA and feeling that your baby's head is hanging out? Not my idea of a touching moment. Just let me hold the baby after it comes out, thank you very much. (If this doesn't bother you, or you did do this, I am not trying to be offensive, and I apologize if you are hurt.) Perhaps I'll feel differently when the time comes, and then I will share it all with you and you can laugh and make fun of me for this post, but until then, let me just finish pushing the baby out before you ask me to touch it. (But man, was that whole thing strangely funny....especially when she started wailing like she did.)

And does everyone moan when they're giving birth? Not that it bothers me either way, but I did find it interesting that all of the videos we saw (we saw 3) featured a lot of moaning from the women. And a lot of naked flesh. If you're curious, no we're not planning on videoing the birth.

Matt and I have had many a talk on what I'd like to have happen and what he's comfortable with, and we have a plan, but I am keeping an open mind, knowing that I will need to be flexible when all is said and done. But we are praying that my body goes into labor on its own, and that there will be no complications. As is normal these days, my doctor won't let me go more than a week past my due date without inducing (which I don't want), so I've been praying that it wouldn't be the case.

And of course, the shower season is upon us. My mom and sisters are throwing me a shower at home in March (Mexican food will be on the menu, of course. hee.), and the church is giving me a shower also in March, and then Matt's family is doing a "meet the baby" shower (I'm "stealing" your idea Lorien! well, my SIL mentioned it, and I told her I thought it was a great idea.) after Charlie makes his/her grand arrival. I feel very spoiled and it's quite humbling to think that so many people are wanting to bless us and our baby.

How's that for an "all things baby" update? ;) Probably more than you wanted to know, huh? Ha. April 27th is coming up soon! Ack!!

Well, it's about that time, so I will leave you all alone now. You're welcome. ;)

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. I've now had two dreams where the baby is a girl, so it's either a girl, or God is really going to surprise us with a boy. :)

Erin in Love (Part Fourteen)

2009-01-12T18:39:00.002-05:00

I have blogged in the past about my Uncle Paul Jon, who passed away at age 27 from heart failure. Paul Jon was more than an uncle to me...he was a surrogate big brother and a wonderful friend. He was also the BEST uncle in the entire universe. We could talk on the phone and chat about different things in our lives and he was the best euchre player I've encountered.

Paul Jon would bring girlfriends over to my parents' house so that we could meet them and see if they passed the "Tammy, Bryan and the girls" test. He came to visit me at Heidelberg and was there when I graduated. We also went to a club when I was living in Toledo where he proceeded to tell me that as my uncle, he never wanted to see "me (you) dance like that again."

But Paul Jon was born with a heart murmur. One that would require 3 open heart surgeries in his short life, the last of those being a total valve replacement.

In the spring of 2002, he had been fighting pneumonia and as a result, some congestive heart failure. I clearly remember one afternoon when we were on the phone and me being upset with him because he hadn't told me exactly what had been going on with his health. I made him promise me that he would keep me informed and that he wouldn't lie to me about it--I didn't want him protecting me from anything. He promised.

At 4:00 am one May morning, my phone began to ring.

I remember getting up to answer it and hearing my mom's voice on the other end.

"Erin? You need to sit down."

"Why? What's happened? Are you okay? What's going on?"

Through her own tears and pain, my mom told me that my beloved Uncle Paul Jon had died.

I lost it. There are really no other words to describe it. I screamed "NO!" so loudly that my sister Emily could hear me through the phone at my parents' house. I kept screaming "NO!" and sobbing even as I could hear my mom sobbing and knowing that this was killing her.

My mom made me promise to call someone to come and sit with me until I could get myself together or fall back asleep. Woodenly, I promised her, and called Heidi. And Heidi, being the wonderful, wonderful friend that she is, came to my apartment in her pajamas and sat with me as I cried in pain and disbelief.

That day was awful. I couldn't stop the tears. The next few days were a blur and before I knew it, I was at his calling hours and funeral. For my 27-year old uncle. At 22, I couldn't fathom how it was possible that someone his age could die--especially someone I loved so much.

I spoke at his funeral. I don't remember everything I said. I remember not being able to look at my grandparents or my mom as I spoke, and feeling like it wasn't, it couldn't be real.

And then, it was over. And I was back in Tiffin, working at Heidelberg, seeing students come in and telling them about how wonderful Heidelberg is and doing my job with a pain and ache in my heart that I thought would never heal.

I was still going to church and going through the motions of being "fine" and "dealing with it", but what I was really doing was blocking and shutting everyone and everything out. I was in pain and couldn't handle the thought of more pain. If this was what loving someone got you, it wasn't for me.

Matt knew about my uncle dying because I called him the day I found out. But after that, I didn't call him like I used to. I didn't want to laugh, I didn't want to see him, and I certainly didn't want to be around him or hear his voice. I needed to keep him out because if I didn't, something would happen and I'd be in more pain than I already was.

There were a couple of times we talked on the phone that I knew I wasn't being very nice to him, and yet, he still called and was still my friend. I didn't deserve it, but he was there for me as best he could be and I wasn't being very grateful.

One afternoon, my dear friend Lindsay asked me to come into her office. She shut the door and very kindly told me that she had been praying for me because she knew that no matter what I said, I wasn't okay. She asked me to not continue to shut her or my other friends out because they cared about me and that I didn't need to pretend I was fine. We talked for awhile and I went back to my office feeling a little angry. But quickly, that anger turned into tears as I realized that Lindsay was right. I wasn't okay, and the only person "deceived" by my act was me.

So slowly I started to get back to being me again, although I'd never (and am still not) be the same Erin. And that meant talking to my friends and letting them in, even Matt.

Blessings and love,
Erin

*I know this installment is very "Erin and Matt" light, but I hope you'll forgive me for it. This part of the story needed to be told because it is such a big part of who I am. The next installment has a lot more of the drama you've come to know and love, I promise.*

MeMe Numero Uno

2009-01-07T19:02:00.003-05:00

My darling friend Katy tagged me for this meme and the rules are that you are to bold/change the color on each of the below that apply to you, then tag 4 more people and let me know when you've posted! Simple enough, right? Right.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (orchestra)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept in an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse (solar)
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chicken pox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

Now, I'm going to tag Trish, Annie, Marisa and Michelle. Have fun!

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. small update below. :)

Post Christmas Wrap-Up....a million years later

2009-01-07T08:50:00.005-05:00

Okay, so since I've been home I've been a terrible blogger. But in my defense, we did go home for the holidays and last week was nuts getting back into "real" life, so this is the first time I've felt sane enough to post anything. Forgive me?? Thanks. :)

So apparently I have 2 memes I've been tagged for, which I promise I will get to soon, and I owe you all another installment of 'Erin in Love' and THEN I should probably update you on everything else going on (nothing bad, I promise!), but for now, I will tide you over with pictures. Mu-wha-ha-ha!

In Charlie news, I should clarify for the handful that asked the question after I posted about our big ultrasound, no, we don't want to know what Charlie's gender is. So, it was a blessing that Charlie was being modest that day and we didn't have to turn our eyes away. :)

Charlie is doing just peachy keen--I have another check up next Wednesday and I can say that this baby likes to move. In some of the pictures you will be able to see the bump--this pics were taken at almost 22 and exactly 22 weeks, but I don't think the belly has changed all that much in the last two weeks. Overall (as of my last appointment), I've gained only 10 pounds (um, major WOO-HOO!) and my OB said everything is going "perfectly". We do have some names picked out....if Charlie is a girl, she will be Eliana (Hebrew for "My God has answered") Elizabeth (Hebrew for "Consecrated to God") and if Charlie is a boy, he will be Malachi ("Messenger of God") Alexander ("Defender of mankind").

I have no gut feeling on what Charlie is, but Matt thinks Charlie is a girl....primarily because he really wants a boy and feels guilty for wanting a boy. Hee. I told him it's natural for him to want a boy and he shouldn't feel guilty because I know he'll be happy either way (which he totally agrees with, and I KNOW he'll be thrilled if Charlie is a girl). But he does still stick to his feeling that Charlie is a girl, so we'll see. The majority of my friends here are thinking Charlie is a boy, and my entire family (my immediate family) thinks Charlie is a girl, while Matt's immediate family thinks Charlie is a boy. So we're pretty split down the middle and I have no clue. Really.

Okay, so now that I've given you a little update, here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure. :)

Blogger is being SUPER wonky with my pictures, so that's why this post looks so weird...sorry folks!! And of course, I don't know how to fix it, but the first picture is of me and my grandma and paw-paw. The third picture is of me and my sister Denise at the family Christmas party and the ones of me and Matt are also at the Christmas party. Doesn't he look handsome in that green shirt? :)

Blessings and love,
Erin

Crazy

2008-12-19T10:23:00.002-05:00

Y'all, I just went psychotic on a bottle of conditioner. Yes, yes I did.

Because my hair is so thick, I buy a BIG bottle of conditioner at Sam's Club and then refill a normal sized bottle to use in the shower.

This morning, I used up all that was in the bottle in the shower, so I started refilling it from my BIG bottle.

Big mistake. You know how when you get to the end of a bottle of shampoo or conditioner it sometimes starts sputtering and spraying everywhere when you squeeze? Yeah, this is what happened to me. I think I lost about a day's worth of conditioner because it would be squeezing fine and then all of a sudden, SPURT!

And apparently, today is NOT the day for things to go wrong for me or cause me trouble. You guys, I first started making frustrated noises....then, I started slamming the bottle on the sink, as if that would help matters.....and finally, after grumbling and grimacing and muttering and slamming, I lost it.

I ended up slamming the bottle as hard as I could while shouting at the top of my lungs "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"

Sigh.

Angrily I finished filling up my bottle and cleaned up the mess that was now in the sink and even though what I WANTED to do was throw the blasted thing out the window, I put it away.

Yup, I'm crazy.

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. please keep us in prayer today--we are heading to OHIO! for the holiday, and of course, there is a major snowstorm in our direct path. Oy. thanks loves!

Erin in Love (Part Thirteen)

2008-12-17T12:04:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas! This is my gift to you all...so I'll make it as long as I can. :) Promise. (and things are going well--please continue to pray for us as we transition!)

The summer after graduation was a bit of a whirlwind. Two weeks after graduation I was in a wedding and Matt was my "date", of course, and then there were (I think) at least 2 other weddings I either attended or was involved in. At the same time, I was trying to find a job with my newly minted BA in History (good luck with that, folks) and save money for a deposit on an apartment wherever I landed.

Matt and I talked on occasion, but nothing very significant and since we were apart, I was doing my best to, you guessed it, move on. I determined that it just wasn't "meant to be" and that for the sake of our friendship, I needed to put all those feelings aside. So I did. At least for a little while.

August came, and with it, my first professional job. I was hired at a college in Toledo to be an admissions counselor, and I was very excited about it. Toledo is only about an hour away from Tiffin, so I could still visit with my friends still there, and of course, Matt was in Bowling Green, which is maybe 30 minutes away. With help from my family, I found an apartment, moved in and settled in as an "adult". It was a bit lonely, as I didn't know anyone in Toledo, but I made do with what I had. Matt did come and visit one night, and I made dinner, but nothing was really going on between us at that point. No drama, no deep talks, just a friendship.

That September, life as everyone living in the US knew it, changed.

The morning of September 11, I was at a local high school for a college fair planning meeting. As the representative from the college hosting the fair, it was my responsibility to go and be the liaison between the other high schools and I was in charge of running and organizing the whole thing.

We were all in a board room and discussing particulars...catering, how many tables would be needed, time frame, etc. when a secretary walked in and said that they had heard on the radio that one of the Twin Towers had collapsed. Stunned, shocked and completely unaware of what was going on, we turned on the TV in the room to see live footage of the second tower falling.

No one said a word.

10 minutes later, we all agreed to end the meeting and head back to our respective places of work.

I drove back to the college in tears, unsure of where my car was going, not paying attention to the traffic lights or really listening to what I was hearing on the radio, but looking at the other drivers and thinking, "Do they know what has just happened? Do they know that our world has totally changed?"

My first thought was of my dad. I knew he was on a business trip, but I didn't know where to and I was panicked at the thought of him being in New York. I called his cell phone and to my relief, he picked up, but I have never heard him sound the way he did that morning. I don't remember what I asked him, but I remember him telling me that he didn't know if things were going to be okay. That is the first and only time my father has ever told me that.

After I ended my call to him, I made it back to the college in time to learn that the administration had decided to cancel all classes and work for the rest of the day. After going to the campus chapel for a prayer service, I got back in my car and headed to my apartment where I holed myself on my couch and sobbed for those who had lost their loved ones and for what this would mean to our country.

A few hours later, I thought of Matt. So I called him. I told myself I was calling to make sure he was okay and that he hadn't lost anyone, but I think the real reason I called was because I needed to hear his voice for some reassurance that some things hadn't changed. That I still had him.

A few months later, I was no longer happy (for various reasons) in Toledo or at my job, so I began looking elsewhere. I ended up back in Tiffin at my alma mater working as an admissions counselor and was so happy to be going back to where I felt I needed to be.

Once again, my wonderful family helped me move from my apartment in Toledo to my new one in Tiffin and I quickly got comfortable in my new/old home.

Matt and I were still in touch, and one day, he called me to ask me to go to his roommate's wedding. I said yes, and was excited about seeing him. I remember getting myself ready for the wedding and being a little nervous about meeting his grad school friends and wondering what he had told them about me. I also didn't realize that Matt would be part of a small choir singing in the ceremony (this ceremony had LOTS of music you guys....I can't even begin to tell you how much), so I would be sitting with his friend George during the ceremony (George's girlfriend, Alison, was also singing).

George was (and is) really funny and put me at ease right away. We had ridden with him and Alison to the ceremony from BG, and the car ride helped me to get over some of the nerves I was feeling.

After the ceremony, Alison complained of her feet hurting, so we went to Meijer's before the reception to get her a pair of slippers to wear. Matt and George went one way, and Alison and I went another.

At one point, Alison turned to me and said, "You should really come up more often! We could double date!"

Um, what? Oh no, she thought I was his girlfriend. Oy vey.

I tried explaining to her that Matt and I were just friends, but it fell on deaf ears.

The rest of the evening went by without incident and I headed back to Tiffin.

A couple of months later, Matt and I were talking on the phone and he brought up the fact that he had a dream the previous night that I got married.

"Oh really? To whom?"

"Well, I don't know who it was, but he had a red goatee, and was wearing a blue shirt."

"Hmm..that's interesting."

"Yeah, and in the dream, you wouldn't talk to me."

"Well that's ridiculous. Of course I would talk to you."

"Well, I don't know if I could be at your wedding."

"What? Why not?"

"Because we wouldn't be able to be friends after that."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"We wouldn't be friends. Things would change and it wouldn't be right for us to be friends like we are now."

"Are you kidding me? You don't think we'll be friends IF I get married?"

"I know we won't. Look, I wouldn't want my wife to be close friends with another guy...it's just not right...God has made it so that a wife's relationship with her husband comes first. We'd be friendly, but I wouldn't be calling you to talk and I don't think you would be calling me, either."

"Well, you're wrong."

"All I'm saying is, I just don't think I can be at your wedding."

"This is ridiculous! I'm not even dating anyone! Why are we even talking about this?"

"I don't know."

"Well, regardless, you're my friend, and if I'm getting married, I want you there. So you'd better be there. And I know we'll be friends afterwards. You'll always be a part of my life, I know it."

After that conversation, I started getting upset. Why did he even say anything about that stupid dream? It didn't mean anything, and why did he need to bring it up when it's obviously not an issue? And what right did he have to say that our friendship had an "expiration date" of whenever I got married?

I kept myself busy with work and church and friends and life moved on.

Until one morning that changed my life forever.

Blessings and love,
Erin

And So it Goes....

2008-12-15T09:51:00.002-05:00

Well, it's time I updated you all on the latest and greatest in the Brazofsky household. I'm telling you, 2008 has been a doozy of a year! But, God is good and He is in control.

So are you ready for this? I lost my job last Wednesday. Thank you, crappy economy. ;)

In all seriousness, I was laid off (with roughly 50 other folks) from my job, and while it was a very big shock and it's going to be a difficult transition for us, God has given me a peace about this situation and I KNOW that He will continue to provide for us. I know this because I have faith and trust that my God is bigger than this economy, bigger than this Earth, and that He is more powerful than anyone.

Will it be scary to go down to one income? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. Do I need to worry? No.

I don't need to worry because by worrying about our circumstances does nothing helpful. In fact, it could be a sign of distrust in my Maker and Provider. Now, this doesn't mean that Matt and I aren't going to be proactive and make the necessary changes to our lifestyle and budget. On the contrary, we know how serious this is and are taking the steps needed to make it work. But why stress and worry and freak out when I have the comfort and peace of the One who is Almighty?

I know, I sound crazy. That I can be so calm and at peace about this amazes even me, but it's another testament to how the Lord has worked in my life in recent years and I am just full of praise for it.

We had been planning for me to stay home after Charlie is born, so while this isn't exactly how we planned things to be or go, we ARE okay. God still has us in His hands and He isn't going to let us fall. He has provided for us so many times and we have NEVER (and I really mean that) gone without anything we've needed, and I know He will continue to do so. Do I know how it's going to look? Obviously not. But that's okay. My plans do not always align with God's plans, and while I don't know if this was His plan for us, it DID happen, I trust that He knows what He's doing. Remember, He can see things that we can't. There is a reason for this happening now, and though I don't know what that reason is, I'm okay with it.

And now I can be the wife I've wanted to be for 3 1/2 years. I can stay home and take care of my house and husband. I can do my Christmas baking without feeling stressed. I can do the laundry instead of waiting till the weekend or doing it till 10:00 at night during the week. I can spend as much time with God as I want! I can be available to friends who may need a listening ear without feeling guilty that I'm on the phone at work. I can spend more time talking to our baby.

God is good! He has a perfect plan for me, Matt, our baby--our family, and for YOU, too. And how awesome to be able to praise Him through this trial and time of transition. What a blessing!

Please DO keep us in your prayers as we make these changes--as I said, we know it's going to be a challenge. We have a lot of decisions to make: what to change in our budget, what kind of health insurance to get (don't worry--we ARE getting health insurance), etc., and we want to be sure we are making wise choices and decisions.

And look on the bright side--at least I'll have more time (in theory) to blog and comment to all of you! ;)

Blessings and love,
Erin

It's a Baby!

2008-12-05T10:56:00.002-05:00

We had our ultrasound this morning and it was WONDERFUL. Charlie has a brain, fully functioning heart, and all extremities, and currently weighs 9 ounces. (that we can tell) Yay! :)

Here are 2 pics for you--they're not very good (I'm working with a cell phone here, people), but you get the idea. One is of Charlie from the side--the head is at the right and you can see his/her cute little nose if you look hard enough.

The other one is of Charlie's foot. It's pretty much smack dab in the middle of the picture with the toes pointing towards the top.

Charlie was very modest during the ultrasound, so even if we had wanted to know the gender, we wouldn't have been able to find out. Apparently, Charlie was also sleepy, because when the tech was moving the wand-thingie around, he/she kicked rather violently and started stretching. :)

May the Lord Bless You

2008-12-03T18:08:00.005-05:00

**This post contains the words of my beloved husband, Matthew. This is what he wrote out to share at Grandpa's funeral yesterday, and I just thought it fitting to share them with you. Especially for Bethany, John, Aunt Rhoda and Brooke, who couldn't be with us. While this is a framework of what he shared, this is some of what was on his heart, and I'm so proud of him. May the Lord bless you all.**

Whenever I said goodbye to Grandpa, he would always say, "The Lord bless you, Matthew." and I have been blessed.

My first memory of Grandma and Grandpa is actually the first memory I have. I was two and a half years old and my parents and I had stopped at Grandma and Grandpa's on the way to the hospital--Mom was getting ready to have my brother Aaron. I remember us standing in a circle and praying for them.

I remember waiting for Grandpa to get home from the tire shop. When he did come, Aaron and I would hide and Grandpa would try to find us. "Where are those boys?" he would say. He acted like he didn't know where we were, even though I hid in the same place behind the chair every time!

Sometimes we even got to go with Grandpa to the tire shop. I remember we slept over one night and in the morning before we left, Grandma and Grandpa were sitting on the couch reading the Bible and praying...for everyone! One fun memory of Grandpa at the tire shop involves my brother Aaron. Now, when we would go to the tire shop, Aaron was always very helpful. I would be off climbing the tires or outside playing, and Aaron would really be working inside with Grandpa. On one occasion, Grandpa had lost a tool in the balancer and was having a really hard time getting it out. Then he got the brilliant idea to lower one of us into the machine to get it--I left that honor to Aaron.

Sometimes, when Grandma and Grandpa were watching me and Aaron, we would get into a fight and Grandpa would say, "Buva!" which is 'boys' in Amish. The worse the fight, the more intense the "buva" would become.

Grandpa and my dad used to cut a lot of wood together. Often, Aaron and I would be along to help load the wood into the truck. I remember Grandpa trying to find a piece that I could carry and saying, "This one's got your name on it." I was always a little confused by this, because even after a close inspection, I could never find my name.

One thing I always looked forward to was when Grandpa would make homemade ice cream. It was so tasty. The only thing that bothered me was that I got such a small bowl and Grandpa got a HUGE bowl and the paddle! I had to verify this one with Mom, because when you are little, your perception can be a little off, but she said, "Oh no, he really did have a huge bowl."

Grandpa loved Cleveland sports. I remember I was little listening to Grandpa complain to Mom, Uncle Loren, or whoever was listening about the Tribe and know that if they just fired the manager, everything would be better. When I got a little older, we would have conversations about this. He was very passionate about sports. In fact, when I was small and Grandpa was watching the Browns on TV, he couldn't hear me when I said something to him.

But, as I got older, and Grandpa was getting older too, sports were not the thing that dominated our conversation. Sports and pretty much everything else took a back seat to his favorite topic. Whenever we would talk, without fail, the Lord would be brought into the conversation. Grandpa loved the Lord. One thing that always impressed me was that he was always growing closer to Christ. A few years ago, he was leading a study on Ephesians. He was very excited about the new things he was discovering. And this is after studying the Bible for 50 years! He would always bring up the one day that was most important in his life. That day in 1952 when he was plowing a field and the Lord spoke to him and said, "by grace alone." And indeed, the Bible clearly teaches that it is by grace alone that we are saved through faith, not by works, lest any man should boast. I know that Grandpa's desire would be for everyone here to discover this truth; that although God has called us to do good works, it is not by works or rules that we are saved. No one goes to heaven because he did everything right. It is truly by grace alone. And for those of you that have already believed and have a personal relationship with Christ, Grandpa would not want you to stop there. Let us follow his example and continue to grow in Christ throughout our lives.

May the Lord bless you.

A Brief Note....

2008-11-28T14:20:00.003-05:00

To say thank you for praying for Matt and his grandpa....Grandpa passed away yesterday, and we made it home Wednesday night for Matt to see him, which I'm very thankful for.

We're going to be here in Ohio for a few extra days, so I don't know how much I'll be commenting or posting.

But, I hope you all had fabulous Thanksgivings and that you enjoyed your time with family.

Oh, and I found out yesterday that another cousin of ours has read my blog! (Hi Jody!) Unfortunately, she doesn't have a blog of her own, but if she did, I just know it would be the cutest thing ever. Jarred (Jody's husband) was Matt's best cousin/friend growing up and there are lots of stories about the two of them, and even a video Jarred wishes was never made...("I am....GENIE!!") We love Jarred and Jody to bits and they have the cutest twins ever. So, hi Jody! I'm so glad I got to see you yesterday!

Everyone, have great weeks and I will catch up with you all in a few days.

Blessings and love,
Erin

I Just Don't Know...

2008-11-26T09:49:00.003-05:00

Y'all, I'm sorry to be such a downer, but I need your prayers once again.

Matt's grandpa is not doing well, and we are expecting him to leave us very soon.

We are heading home today for Thanksgiving with his family, and we might be in Ohio for a couple extra days depending on what happens.

Please keep Matt and his family in your prayers....while we have so much to be thankful for, it has been a hard three months for them.

And I don't know quite what to do to help besides pray. And prayer is so powerful, and I know it is a lot, so that's why I'm asking for prayers. Please, if you think of it, lift them up.

Blessings and love,
Erin

17.5 Weeks....

2008-11-20T15:10:00.003-05:00

Can you believe it's been that long already? I can't....

And don't laugh....last night I went to bed and there was no belly. This morning....well, see for yourselves.

I told you not to laugh! ;) And please, ignore my face...I was in mid-sentence when my friend took the picture. And it's a bit dark, but you get the idea.

Craziness, I tell you! Pure craziness.

It's a Small World, After All...

2008-11-19T15:20:00.003-05:00

Now that I've successfully planted that song in your head for the rest of the day, I just have to say that it is indeed a VERY small world.

You want to know how small? Okay, listen up. ;)

When I told you all that Matt and I are expecting our dearest Charlie, I got a sweet comment from a girl named Michelle congratulating me on our news. Apparently, she's been reading for awhile and came out of lurking to say hi. I couldn't have been happier!

Michelle and her sweet hubby are also expecting their first baby in April (around Easter!) and I have been reading her blog since the day she commented.

Then, I recently posted about the baby boom that Matt's family is currently having. If you'll remember, our cousins Bethany and John welcomed little Ian on the 5th, and the very next Tuesday, Caleb and Liz welcomed their little Oliver!

Here's where the world gets SUPER small, folks.

Michelle is such a smarty that she has determined from the fact that Matt is from Northeast Ohio (where she is also from--yay! another Buckeye!) and that I said the Miller family is having a baby boom and that our cousins Caleb and Liz just had a baby that (are you ready for this?) KNOWS Caleb and Liz personally! In fact, she knows pretty much all of Matt's fam! (Well, that specific branch of the Miller fam, but seriously, y'all!) She and Caleb went to high school together and were good friends even. I mean, this means we're practically family....especially for those parts of the state!

Not only that, but she lives super close to where Matt's parents are!

Isn't this crazy? And all because of a little bitty blog.

I have Michelle's blog linked and I think you all would love reading it...and just to humor me, go and say hi and tell her I'm not a crazy! :)

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. don't think I've forgotten about the rest of the stuff I said I would post about--it's all in my head, I promise you. oh and let's have a big O-H!! for Beat Michigan! week. :) It's all about the Buckeyes, baby.

I'm Alive....

2008-11-14T14:46:00.002-05:00

I promise. And I haven't forgotten about you. I know I have a meme from Annie to do, and I owe you all an installment of 'Erin in Love' and to update you on Charlie and all of that wonderful stuff oh and the fact that another baby cousin was born to Caleb and Liz this week (their first!), making it an offical baby boom for the Miller family, but y'all.......

I'm tired. I know, I say that all the time, but this time, I have a reason. See, I have a cold. A, can't-take-anything-because-of-the-baby-so-I'm-miserable-all-day-long-without-being-able-to-breathe-and-my-nose-feels-like-it's-the-Sahara-desert-and-my-lips-are-chapped-and-oh-yeah-have-I-mentioned-that-I-can't-sleep-through-the-night-anymore-and-therefore-wake-up-3-hours-before-the-alarm-goes-off-and-can't-fall-back-asleep-till-45-minutes-before-the-alarm-goes-off kind of cold.

And that makes for a very tired Erin.

But I promise you that I'm turning the corner on this blasted cold (which Matt also has), and this weekend I'm going to try and give you all some posts like you deserve. Because really? Does anyone read this thing anymore unless I post 'Erin in Love' parts? ;)

Blessings and love,
Erin

Ian Robert

2008-11-05T19:27:00.001-05:00

Everyone! Our cousin Bethany had her beautiful son today! I just saw the news on their blog and there are lots of pictures already. What a precious baby!

If you want to, head on over to Bethany and John's blog to see how cute he is for yourself (link is on the sidebar). :)

We have a new cousin!!

God is good!

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. can't tell I'm excited or anything, can you? ;)

Politico

2008-11-05T15:49:00.003-05:00

I have tried to make it a rule to stay away from politics on this blog, mainly because I can't stand them, but also because normally, they have nothing to do with my life. Well, for some reason, I think it's time to start talking.

First things first, any viewpoint expressed is my own. Not someone else's, not something you've heard on the radio or news, because quite frankly, I feel that all media outlets are biased and do not serve their intended purpose of informing us of facts, but that's another topic for another time. Secondly, I will accept thoughtful, non-insulting comments, but anyone that decides that it's time to bash me can keep it to themselves or find their comment deleted without haste.

And no, I'm not so intellectual that I can argue with those that eat this stuff up, but I am an intelligent human being and feel passionately about what I believe in.

If you are a friend of mine, most likely, what I will say will NOT surprise you, just as many of your viewpoints do not surprise me, because we are friends and I feel that I know you. That being said, I am trusting and hoping that friendships will not fall apart simply because of a disagreement over a few things. Also, this post is NOT a result of anything anyone has said or not said to me. I simply don't react like that.

And I should probably mention that this is no way a result of the election yesterday. These are things that have been weighing on my mind all throughout the primaries and the campaigning. And none is more glad than me that all of this is over for at least 4 more years.

Also as a disclaimer, I didn't like either candidate. Fred Thompson was my guy, but he withdrew early on. I am not registered Republican or Democrat, and I am quite disgusted with both parties as of late.

If all the above isn't sufficient background, please ask any questions that may arise and I will do my best to answer.

Yesterday's election has lead me to question a lot of why people vote and what are they voting for. As a Christian, there are issues that are of the utmost importance to me, and they are issues that I'm not willing to budge on (yes, yes, I know--separation of church and state), and the past few years has done little to sway my firm conviction that most politicians talk a good talk, but when it comes to walking the walk, there is much left to be desired.

I know a lot of people are ecstatic over the results of yesterday's election. I know a lot of people are disappointed. What I am disappointed with is the fact that yet again, a leader has been elected that I do not fully support, nor believe in. This is not to say that I was 100% on the McCain boat, on the contrary, I had some major concerns with him as well. But do I believe that Obama has my best interests at heart? No, I do not.

But do I believe that any politician has my best interests at heart? Absolutely not.

I kept hearing a lot about change this, and change that, from both sides, but what's really going to change? Come January, are we going to see an immediate change for the better? I highly doubt it. Cynical of me? Perhaps.

I am tired of voting for whom I believe is the "lesser of two evils". I am tired of feeling like my voice and vote don't count for anything. I want REAL change, not just talk.

And I am tired of the bashing that conservative Christians get for standing up for what they believe when it comes to politics. These people are sometimes labeled as radicals, extremists, and irrational. So what? They believe what they believe! Not that they are right or wrong, but who is anyone to say that their belief is either one of those things? Aren't we ALL entitled to free speech and the right to examine facts for ourselves? As an intelligent human being, I am insulted that because I might listen to certain radio programs, or because I don't faithfully follow the news or read everything that's put out there, and so on, I am perceived as being unable to form an opinion for myself or bother to check out the facts. What a small minority do does not justify labelling an entire group as crazies.

And what is wrong with standing up for what you believe? Since when has that become such a big issue? What happened to equality and people listening to each other without it becoming a heated argument?

There is a problem in this country with the way we do things. And nothing is going to get resolved until people stop bashing each other for their PERSONAL beliefs and start working together.

I am praying for our country. Not because of who got elected President--congratulations to him, he earned it, and it is a historic moment--but because of the infighting between groups of people unwilling to listen to each other rationally and ask questions to really understand WHY they think the way they think.

Now, please keep the "Erin, we can't be friends anymore" comments to a dull roar.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Another Meme

2008-10-25T13:01:00.003-04:00

Our cousin Bethany tagged me to do a meme that shares 7 of my quirks with you all. Since Bethany is about to give birth soon, I figured I would indulge her. :)

Can't wait to see that little one, Bethany!!

Seven Quirks of Erin

#1. I have to have the bed perfectly made before I go to sleep. Otherwise, I feel weird and all twisty. Yes, twisty.

#2. I have to brush my teeth before I get in the shower. I don't like brushing them after I get out of the shower. Why, I don't know.

#3. I have to sit in the same spot on the couch, no matter what. If Matt tries to take "my" seat, he's promptly moved.

#4. I always leave my conditioner in my hair while I wash my body, then rinse it out right before I get out of the shower. In my mind, the extra time the conditioner is on my head equals extra softness. Don't tell me if I'm wrong.

#5. I'm very particular about where knick-knacks and things are placed. Each thing has its spot, and if it gets moved, I get very upset.

#6. I can't cook anything unless my kitchen is clean and all the dishes are done. I know. I'm just creating more dishes, but I have to have a spotless kitchen before I do anything.

#7. I always think that I'm average height, but then if I stand directly in front of someone that's much taller than me, I feel like a dwarf. I guess that's what I get for being 5'2".

As for tagging others to play....I tag whomever wants to do this. So consider yourself tagged, all! :)

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. please root for my Buckeyes tonight...we're playing Penn State and I'm nervous. Alicia, I'm sorry, but I really, really, hope the Lions go DOWN! ;)

Three Cheers for Pioneer Woman!

2008-10-24T15:18:00.002-04:00

Y'all! I just won a $250 gift card from Ree, the Pioneer Woman to Sam's Club! My heart, how the joy spilleth over. :)

Seriously, this is the most exciting thing to happen to me since I last heard Charlie's heartbeat. And I NEVER win anything. Ever. True.story.

Yay! Yay! Yay!! What a blessing this is!

Just had to share. :)

Blessings and love,
Erin

Picture Meme

2008-10-17T13:46:00.003-04:00

My darling friend Katy tagged me to do this photo meme, so here we go....the rules are as follows:

Go to your pictures, find the 4th file, then the 4th picture and post it. Tell the story behind the picture in your post. Then pick 4 people to tag. Simple enough, right? Right.

Okay, here's the picture:

Ha, really interesting, right? Okay, the story is that this was taken over a year ago when Matt and I were on a walk in Cobbs Hill park here in Rochester. I just like the way the path looked in front of us and the light coming through the trees. So that's that. Boring, but if you're looking for excitement, you've come to the wrong blog! ;)

Hmm....tagging, tagging....who do I tag.....

#1. Jodi

#2. KMT

#3. Annie

#4. Trish

Go to it, ladies!

Blessings and love,

Erin

Sundry Items and Erin in Love (Part Twelve)

2008-10-16T19:47:00.003-04:00

Okay, before I get to the next installment of 'Erin in Love' (ahem, Angie), here are some items to catch you all up with what's been going on in the B household.

Last weekend, Matt and I flew into Tampa to attend his cousin Ali's wedding. While we were there, after a little over 2 years of emailing practically every day, I finally got to meet my beloved Annie. It was wonderful. Seriously, it felt as if we had known each other for years, and we gabbed at Starbucks, and then we sat till much after 1:00 at Chili's long after we finished our lunches. Well, Annie had to box her lunch up b/c Miss Gretchen had just had some shots and wasn't feeling so great. She even put up with Matt tagging along and didn't look at him like he was made of green cheese. (Green cheese? Did I just say that?)

Annie, thank you so much for meeting us for coffee and lunch--it was so nice to finally talk in person and I had so much fun. I can't wait for the next time!! (and y'all, Annie is just as GORGEOUS in real life as she is in the pictures on her blog and exactly what you would expect her to be.)

In other news, I had my monthly appointment/check-up for Charlie where my doctor gave me the wonderful news that all my bloodwork came back normal and she did a "tummy check" for Charlie's heartbeat. Apparently, the donut I had at our breakfast meeting that day revved Charlie up because his/her heartrate was 175 BPM. I am so thankful I got to hear it again and that everything still seems to be going well. And I'm very happy to report that the morning sickness is slowly fading, thank the Lord. I can brush my teeth again! ;)

Now, for a couple of shout-outs that I want to make.

#1. Lindsay, you are a darling, darling friend and I miss you dreadfully. I'm so glad that you're getting such a kick out of remembering my and Matt's story as I tell it here. I love you lots and you make my heart smile!

#2. Angie, because I know you read even if you don't comment. I'm glad you're my friend and I'm thankful to have you to bounce things off of. And I hope you're happy that I'm finally posting a new installment. ;)

#3. Kristi, I'm so glad you found my blog! I will definitely be keeping up with you, Jason and sweet Max. The pictures Mandi took are just beautiful and you are a precious family!

Okay, everyone, I think that I've got all the "business" stuff out of the way, so without further ado, here is Erin in Love (Part Twelve).

After the night of Matt's senior recital, I rehearsed how I was going to subtly probe him for information about what happened after he got back to his dorm. It ended up being easier than I thought, for I saw him on my way to lunch one day.

"Sooo, Matt, how are you feeling?"

"Um, pretty good. Why?"

"Well, I remember you had that awful migraine the night of your recital, and I was wondering if it came back, that's all."

"Oh, yeah. No, it hasn't come back, but I was pretty out of it. Thanks again for taking my flowers for me. I really appreciate it."

"No problem. So, you were pretty wiped that night, huh?" (Like that "subtle" probe?)

"Yeah, I actually went right to bed after Amy dropped me off."

"Oh! Wow, yeah, that was probably the best thing for you, huh?"

"Definitely. I felt bad, because I know she wanted to help, but I just needed to go to sleep."

I hate to admit it, but I was feeling pretty smug and satisfied with myself after that conversation.

The rest of the semester really went by with no major incidents. I was resigning myself to being simply Matt's friend, and he was so busy wrapping up things and getting ready for grad school that we didn't see each other all that often.

Then came graduation.

I remember that since my last name started with a 'Y', I was the last person in the College of the Arts to graduate. The Bachelor of Science folks went first, then the Bachelor of Arts, and then the Bachelor of Music (that was Matt). So I'm sitting in my row and I realize that Matt is sitting in the row behind me, and I was struck at how appropriate it was that one of the first people I connected with after I started at Heidelberg, was now so close to me as that chapter closed.

Then, my row was called, and before I knew it, I was a college graduate.

Chaos is the only word to describe the scene after the ceremony. People were milling EVERYWHERE trying to find their loved one and trying to remember where they had decided they would meet. I was sticking to one spot, sure that my family would find me eventually if I just stood still long enough.

They did, and picture taking, hugs and congratulations commenced. My friends and classmates were walking by saying "Congratulations, Erin!" "Good Luck!", "I'll miss you!", "Keep in touch!" and all of those things you say when you're leaving a place like that.

And then, there was a tap on my shoulder.

I spun around and there was Matt, grinning at me and congratulating me.

Then, he asked if I would take a picture with him.

And the photographer?

His mom.

I was slightly embarrassed, thinking she must remember me and my gift from his senior recital, but she was so gracious and kind that I quickly moved past it. She congratulated me, and I wished her a happy Mother's Day (Heidelberg's undergrad commencement is always on Mother's Day) and I could see how proud she was of Matthew. (And she had right to be: he graduated magna cum laude--he's one smart cookie)

Then it came time to say goodbye.

I wasn't sure what to say. He had already made it clear that he expected we would always keep in touch, but I was moving home to look for a job, and he would be heading to Bowling Green in the fall to pursue his goal of being a composer. Who knew where I would end up?

So we said goodbye. And that was that. No longing glances, no last looks over our shoulders, just goodbye.

Blessings and love,
Erin

(I know this installment was short, but it's a good stopping point, don't you think? Hee. So now you've come to the end of what I call the "college years". The story gets much shorter from here on out, I think. Stay tuned!)

Lessons Learned so far...

2008-10-07T11:42:00.002-04:00

#1. I am NEVER to brush my teeth again. Brushing teeth=throwing up whatever is in my stomach, even if it's nothing.

#2. Starbucks' hazelnut hot chocolate is sweet, sweet nectar.

#3. Even though this baby is the size of a kumquat, my back can still hurt like the dickens.

#4. My husband really IS a great guy.

#5. I have never wished for 12 weeks to pass more quickly in my entire life.

#6. Mexican food is apparently the only kind of food that interests me. Oh, and pizza.

#7. Even if I empty my bladder before going to bed, I will wake up at 3:00 am without fail and feel like I'm going to explode. (sorry, I know it's a little TMI)

#8. I can fall asleep in my cube at 1:00 in the afternoon and wake up 5 minutes later feeling like death.

#9. NEVER, EVER eat anything past 8:00 at night. This is bad. Very bad.

#10. I am seriously already in love with my Charlie and can't wait till April 29th gets here.

More later. :)

Blessings and love,
Erin

When There is Nothing Left to Say...

2008-09-24T16:19:00.002-04:00

We went home this weekend to say goodbye to Uncle Ron. His memorial service was on Saturday, and it was one of the loveliest and touching services I've ever been to. Many tears were shed and laughter through the tears could be heard, but it was still a very hard day.

Yesterday, we said goodbye to Matt's grandma.

She passed away on Friday, a month to the day that we lost Uncle Ron. A month after her surgery.

I have no words.

There is so much pain and hurting going on right now in Matt's family...not understanding and I think, some even not believing it's all real (I myself experienced that emotion these past few days).

To say that the family is raw is a bit of an understatement--I think we're gutted.

But there is a silver lining in all of this turmoil and sadness...both Uncle Ron and Grandma are in Heaven with Jesus right now, and this I know for certain. Grandma, who in recent years had trouble hearing and seeing, can see and hear perfectly now. Uncle Ron, so gentle in spirit and loving to all, can now love from above and is sitting at the feet of our Lord.

For that, I am thankful.

It's been a hard, hard few days. And now the healing must begin.

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. thank you all for the congratulations on the news of our sweet pea...we are so thankful to you all for praying for us and Charlie. And as far as I can tell, Charlie is doing just fine.

137

2008-09-12T13:52:00.002-04:00

That's how many beats per minute our baby's heart was beating at our ultrasound this afternoon.

Yes, I said our baby! It's a miracle, an absolute miracle, and I will tell you all more later, but for right now, I am just over the moon and can't really form a coherent thought.

It's earlier in the pregnancy than we thought--it turns out I'm a week earlier than I thought (7 weeks 2 days), but everything looks perfect and the tech said that the baby (whom we're calling Charlie) looks perfect and is right where he/she should be.

I can't tell you all how excited and blessed we feel by this miracle. Please keep us (all of us! ah!) in your prayers and please pray for a healthy, safe pregnancy and delivery. I know God has us in His hands and I feel a tremendous peace that Charlie will be safe and healthy, but we would appreciate all prayers, regardless.

Blessings and love,

Erin

Erin in Love (Part Eleven)

2008-08-23T12:54:00.002-04:00

**Disclaimer: I've had a hard time deciding how to approach this installment of our story, especially because it also involves (unbeknownst to her) a friend of ours. I've decided that the best thing to do is be honest and instead of using code names, just put it all out there. In no way shape or form does what I'm about to share with you bear any reflection on this friend or her character. If nothing else, it reflects on my jealous nature and how quick I was to judge where I had no business doing so. So, please, don't judge our friend--she doesn't deserve it. Amy, I am so sorry for the way I behaved and for what I thought back then. I hope you can forgive my pettiness and jealousy. And now, here's the latest installment.**

In our many conversations that spring, in addition to our "serious" talks, Matt and I would talk about other things....such as books we were reading, music we liked and were listening to, etc. Matt shared with me that he had been reading 'Anne of Green Gables', and as an AVID Anne fan myself, we discussed various parts of the book and I told him about the other 7 books in the series. This will be important later.

As a music major, every senior had to give a senior recital. It could be a half recital, meaning you could share the hour-long recital with another senior, or you could have a full recital. These recitals were always a big deal, and quite often the shining moment for the seniors before they graduated.

Matt was having a senior recital, and since his major was composition, the recital would not only be him playing, but other people performing his works. A pretty big deal. Of course, I was going, and Heidi and Jason were attending as well.

I had a dilemma though....I didn't know what to get him as a congratulatory gift. I wanted it to be special, but nothing over the top, and I just couldn't think of what to get. Then, when I was home over spring break, I found the PERFECT gift. At least I thought so....

The night of Matt's recital rolled around, and for some reason, I just felt really nervous about going. I was very thankful that Heidi was there with me, and as we walked to Brenneman, I thought about the gift in my hand and wondered how it all was going to go over.

We walked into the concert hall and I saw pretty much his entire family (I had only met his parents and brother and his family once during choir tour the previous year, but I knew without a doubt that the other folks there had to be his family) sitting in the front waiting for the recital to begin.

I immediately noted where his parents were sitting and was trying to decide if it would be appropriate for me to go say hello (remember, I'd only met them once) and sat down in the section behind the floor seats.

And here's where Erin becomes catty, jealous, and really ugly.

Our friend Amy also came to Matt's recital along with her parents. Amy is a wonderful girl and very cool to hang out with, and she and Matt had been buddies for a long time. I always felt a little threatened by their friendship, though I never admitted it to anyone, and I was in denial about it for a LONG time. Looking back, oh, how I wish I'd behaved differently.

Anyways, Amy and her parents said hello and ended up sitting behind us. I was perusing the program and saw with utter delight that one of the pieces being performed was a piece that I got to sing with the Chamber Singers the previous year. It was a recording, which you can listen to here.

As I was looking over the program, I overhead Amy say that she was going to go say hello to Matt's parents. Then, a few minutes later, when she came back, she said (at this point, I was so eavesdropping--I'm sorry, Amy!) that she was going to go sit with Matt's parents.

I was so. very. upset.

I don't know if I knew then why I was upset, but I remember thinking, "Well, it's not as if she's his girlfriend--why does she get to go sit with them?" (yeah, this is so not one of my better nights, y'all.) Then I proceeded to sit and sulk until the recital started and then I focused on Matt.

He played well, spoke well, was funny, and the whole hour just showcased how talented he really is, and when the lights came up, I felt like I was going burst with pride. And I knew that I wasn't over him. Not in the least. Which made me all the more jealous that Amy was with his family and I wasn't. Sigh.

I followed everyone out of the concert hall and stood in line to congratulate Matt, and as I was waiting my turn to say hello, my heart just raced faster and faster and I was getting really nervous. I suddenly felt like there was taffy in my mouth and I couldn't get my tongue free to say anything and my eyes were fascinated with the lines of the tiles on the floor. Each step closer to Matt was torture. What was I going to say? Good job just didn't seem to cut it. I love you? Um, decidedly NO.

And then, the moment of truth arrived. I was face to face with him...all 5' 10", green-eyed hunkiness of him and I didn't know what I was going to say.

I don't exactly remember what I said, but I know I babbled something about how great the recital was, how talented he is and congratulations and all of that good stuff.

Then I stood off to the side waiting for a chance to get him alone to give him his gift. That didn't happen for at least 15 minutes.

When I finally got him alone, I thrust the bag at him and said, "Here. I hope you like it."

He opened the bag and pulled out a card and then one of the 7 items in the bag.

Yes, I gave him my most beloved Anne books....all of them except for the first one. Each of them is worn and have been read many, many times, and I had decided I wanted him to have them.

And this is what the card said (yes, he still has the card. isn't that sweet?):

"Matt~

I hope you enjoy these as much as I have. Maybe someday if you have a little girl, you can share them with her. Don't mind the doodlings in them, I've forgotten why I put them there! :) Anyways, thank you for being such a good friend to me and have fun in grad school next year! :)

Congratulations Matt!

Erin"

I gave him what was, and is, essentially, a piece of me. Something that he knew held a great value to me, and was a bit of a sacrifice to give up. After he really understood that I meant to give him my Anne books, he looked at me for a long time and said, "thank you". That was all, but it was enough. At that point, I couldn't have been more pleased. He understood why I gave him my books.

And then I saw something else in his hand....another gift...and it was a gold cross necklace. I asked him who gave it to him, and he said, "Amy--isn't it so nice?" And my heart fell and I immediately started chastising myself for giving him such a stupid gift. I didn't think my gift could compare in the least, and let's not forget the jolly green giant of jealousy had already reared its ugly head once that night.

Someone was then calling him, and he excused himself and so I went to get some cake at his little reception area. Then, his mom saw me and re-introduced herself and we got to chatting. She then asked if Matthew (his family calls him Matthew) had invited me to come to the late dinner they were taking him to. I said no, he hadn't, and just then he came up and she looked at him and said, "Why didn't you invite Erin to come to dinner?" He explained that he hadn't had a chance and then assured me that I would be most welcome at dinner and that I could ride with him.

Um, okay. No need to ask twice! Ha.

Amy was also in the reception area, so he then invited her to come along as well. Jealousy 3, Erin 0.

The way the driving arrangements ended up working was that Amy drove me and Matt and his family was in their car ahead of us. I sat in the back and listened as Amy and Matt chatted and inwardly seethed. I suddenly felt like the third wheel and was regretting accepting going to dinner.

We arrived at the restaurant and I ended up sitting caticorner from Matt next to his sister at the end of the table. Amy sat across from me and next to Matt. Again, Jealousy 4, Erin 0.

Matt was very quiet during dinner and when his mom asked him if he was feeling okay, he let us know that he had a really bad migraine, leaving his stomach upset and him in a lot of pain.

And here is where the jealousy and ugliness really let loose.

I was concerned for Matt, so I asked if he needed any ibuprofen or anything to take for it, and he said no, it was too far along. I then suggested that maybe he needed to go sleep since sometimes that's the only thing that helps (I've had migraines myself). Amy added advice as well, and offered to bring him some pressure point cream that had helped her in the past that he could apply to his temples. (When that was suggested, I was thinking "over my dead body". See? I told you it was ugly!)

Well, after that, we quickly finished dinner and Amy drove us back to campus. Poor Matt wasn't saying a word he was in so much pain, and I was biting my tongue lest I "lay into" Amy for what I felt was inappropriate behavior (which it really wasn't. sigh. I'm so ashamed of myself now.).

We ended back up at Brenneman so that I could walk back to the house I was living in that year, and as I got out of the car, I told Matt I hoped he felt better and that I would see him soon. As I started to walk away, he stopped me and said:

"Erin? Um, would you mind getting all the flowers I got out of my car and taking them home with you and putting them in water? I'll come get them later. Thanks."

So, I took his keys, got the flowers out of his car and as I was handing them back to him, the last thing I heard was this:

"Well, it looks like I'll have to walk you up to your room to make sure you don't pass out on the elevator! Then I'll go get that pressure point cream and come back."

My head was spinning, smoking, and totally irrational. Here I was tasked with taking care of his flowers and walking back in the dark by myself, and she got to take him back to his dorm and take care of him? Oh, I was mad, and the scenarios I was imagining in my head were not pretty. I was so jealous I could hardly see straight.

I stomped back to my house, put his flowers in water and stalked to bed, all in a (what I thought was) righteous fury. "Harumph. Let's see if he'll EVER get me to open up and give him a piece of me again. I wonder if I can get my books back."

And then, the last thought I had was, "I wonder if I can find out what happened tonight."

Oh yes, I was bit by the jealousy bug, alright. I just had no idea how it would affect the rest of the year.

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. we leave for Maine bright and early tomorrow morning as scheduled, and won't be back till the next Sunday. thank you for praying for our Aunt Rhoda and her family--we really appreciate it. Aunt Rhoda, Aunt Gail and Brooke flew back to Colorado today and there will be a memorial service for Uncle Ron out there at the church he preached at and then one later in Ohio.

Uncle Ron

2008-08-22T16:15:00.002-04:00

I don't even know how to begin this post.....but here goes.

Matt's grandma had quadruple bypass surgery this morning in Ohio. Her surgery went well, and she is doing good. Matt's Aunt Rhoda and Uncle Ron live in Colorado, and Aunt Rhoda flew into Ohio to be with the family during her surgery.

Uncle Ron passed away this morning unexpectedly.

Matt and I are stunned, saddened and our hearts are hurting so much right now for Aunt Rhoda, Bethany and John, and Brooke.

I know some of you don't believe the way I believe, but I know that God didn't do this "on purpose". The Blough/Simpson clan are believers, and I know Uncle Ron is in heaven right now with Jesus. And I'm so thankful for that. I would ask those of you who pray, to please pray for Aunt Rhoda and the girls and John....please pray that God will help them find some comfort and peace during this so difficult time.

Aunt Rhoda, Bethany, John, and Brooke: we love you so much. I wish we were near you to be with you. Our hearts, love and prayers are with all of you and I am so sorry for your loss. We love Uncle Ron and will miss him so much. I wish I had better words, but please know we are thinking of you all.

Blessings and love,
Erin

And How Could I Forget??

2008-08-18T15:16:00.004-04:00

12 days till the most wonderful day of the year (besides my birthday, of course)....the return of college football and my wonderful team: The Ohio State University Buckeyes!!! Yay!!!

Oh, college football, how I've missed you. My heart is going pitter-patter just at the thought of the opening game...and then the game 2 weeks later (USC). Sigh. It's so the most wonderful time of year. Right, Jeffie?

Blessings, love, and O-H!!!

Erin

Um, Yeah, I'm a Slacker

2008-08-18T15:06:00.002-04:00

So are you all going to kill me yet? I've been such a bad bloggy friend. Sigh.

Just a quick post to say that you may have noticed that my blogroll has expanded significantly--this is due to the fact that I decided to add those blogs on which I lurk instead of clicking on someone's blog that already has them linked to get to them (can I just say I've been incredibly lazy about updating my blogroll? egad!).

So now you have brand-spankin' new blogs to read (if you don't already) and you're welcome for it. I have been following most of these girls since the days of the Nest, and the ones under "Folks I Know" are beloved friends from my days in Columbus B.M. (before Matt).

Things are well, just busy...we're leaving for Maine on Sunday for an entire week (woot!) and I couldn't be happier about it. Of course, there's lots on my mind to tell you all about, and I'm really, really, hoping to get to it this week.

And, if you're a newcomer to my blog, please say hi. I promise I'm nice. :)

Oh, and the following are blogs I used to follow before they went private, so if anyone has access to them, please let them know I would love to start reading again!

Audrey
Nicki
PlatinumRose
Desiree

Blessings and love,
Erin

Hello, Harvard!

2008-08-04T16:01:00.002-04:00

Okay, this isn't meant to be an embarrassing callout, but I just saw on my SiteMeter account (love it!) that someone from the Harvard network read my blog and I just about fell over.

Um, talk about scary? I mean, I do have a college education, but Harvard? Do you know how my heart just stopped beating for a minute as I was remembering all my bad grammar and writing recently? And I work as an editor! Eep!!! Double eep!!

So, to my one and only Harvard reader, I welcome you. I had high aspirations of attending that fine institution when I was a younger lass, but as you can tell by my lack of coherent thought, I figured out I really wasn't Harvard material.

I am flattered and hope you keep reading. And if you want, you can introduce yourself. Because while I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, I don't bite. :) Promise.

Oh, and Libby asked me a LONG time ago how can I tell who's reading my blog and if they do Google searches to get to the blog. Libby, I am sorry it took me this long to answer, but here you go.

SiteMeter.com--it's the best, and it's FREE.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Erin in Love (Part Ten)

2008-07-31T20:17:00.002-04:00

**Please see the below post--I would very much appreciate all prayers for my grandma!**

"Dear Erin," the letter began. What followed was a reiteration of how when we take our focus off God and start thinking about the "relationship" between us, we get off track and lose sight of what really matters--growing closer to God. He also said that by me needing space and not wanting to talk to him as much, it felt like we had "broken up" and he knew he couldn't go through that again. He asked if I would just pray and seek God and return to us being friends--nothing more, nothing less.

So, after much prayer, I did start talking to him again (did you expect anything less?). I really wanted to do my best to move on (there's that pesky phrase again) and deepen our friendship, and the rest of that semester found us having a lot of wonderful talks and we DID grow closer, as friends. But still, deep in the quietest places in my heart, I knew I still wanted more. I couldn't help it. The more I learned about him, the more I wanted to be near him.

We tried our best to maintain a friendship, but I think we both knew that there was something else underlying. I was voted onto Homecoming Court that year, and Matt came to the homecoming game (which, since our school is notoriously awful at football was a miracle since neither of us ever really went to the games) and watched me walk across the field at halftime to see if I would be crowned queen (I wasn't). We sat next to each other at that game and talked until early in the second half when it was quite obvious that we were NOT going to win that game. (Go Berg!)

My sorority formal when I went with Ian....while I didn't ignore Ian, I did spend time dancing and talking with Matt...and wished that we had been able to go together (sorry Monica!! I know for a fact that he had a good time with you! love you!).

Taking walks after dinner and rehearsals and discussing what God was teaching us and him showing me pieces he was composing and talking about how he wanted his music to glorify God. Talking about our families and what we thought our plans after undergrad would be.

Then came spring semester....our final semester at Heidelberg.

One day, when I was in the cafeteria, a girl we knew from choir and I was fairly friendly with asked me to come talk to her. We'll call her Lucy.

Lucy made small chit-chat and then got down the matter that was REALLY on her mind. Namely, Matt. And since Matt and I were good friends, did I know how to get him to date her?

Um. What?

Lucy was asking ME if I would give her pointers on how to get Matt to like her? Back the truck up, I felt like saying.

Lucy went on to tell me how Matt was constantly flirting with her and that she felt that he liked her, too, but she knew that he doesn't date, but did I think if she asked him out if he would say yes? And did I think that maybe he would ask her out instead?

I was so taken aback and uncomfortable that I didn't know WHAT to say. I mean, this is the last person I expected Matt to flirt with, let alone ask on a date and I really was just incredibly stunned. And to have her ask me for advice just felt like a slap in the face, to be perfectly honest. And it caused me to question whether or not I could trust Matt, after all. I mean, maybe he did like Lucy and want to date her. Maybe she had enough reason to believe that he would be receptive to her asking him out. I didn't know. And I really didn't know what to say.

Somehow, I must have given her the response she was looking for, because she thanked me and said something to the effect of, "I know you two had something in the past, but I know you're just friends now, so that's why I said something."

Um, ouch.

So, I'm afraid I acted a bit coldly towards Matt for awhile after that--after all, if Lucy was trying to occupy his time, why should I even bother maintaining our friendship? (This was admittedly not the most mature or sensible reaction, but hey, I'm a dramatic and emotional kind of girl.)

Then came time for my sorority's spring date party. Now, how this worked was each girl in the sorority drew another girl's name and was responsible for finding her date--and it was to be a secret till the day of date party. However, we were allowed to say who we would LIKE to go with (we gave like 3 names or something like that) and who would rather NOT go with, if at all possible.

When it came time for me to say who I'd like to go with, I immediately said Matt. I don't remember who the other two guys were that I'd said I wouldn't mind going with, but Matt was my top pick. Especially since we didn't get to go to formal together.

So whomever drew my name for the date party apparently approached Matt and asked if he would be my date, and on the day of date party, we all gathered and the girls shut their eyes and their dates came and stood before them.

When it was time to open my eyes, I slowly opened them and saw that Matt was standing before me with a smile on his face.

We hopped in my car and headed out to the location of the party and had a great time on the way there and at the party itself. It was like we'd always intended things to be--no pressure, no awkwardness, just us being friends. Until the ride home.

On the way home, we started talking again about what the future after college would hold. Matt was fairly certain at this point that he would be going to Bowling Green to pursue his masters degree in composition and I was still mulling over what I wanted to do. Ideally, I would have gone to England and pursued my masters in medieval history. (That didn't happen, by the way.)

As we were talking, I innocently made the comment that I didn't really expect that we would keep in touch. Matt didn't like that so much.

"What do you mean we won't keep in touch?"

"Well, you're going to be in BG and I don't even know where I'll be--it's highly unlikely that we'll ever see each other again at this point, don't you think?"

"No, I don't. I know we'll keep in touch."

"Um, okay. I just meant that if we're far apart, we'll probably grow apart as friends, that's all."

"Well, I don't see why you would think that. I've always thought that you're going to be part of my life no matter where we are, and I can't imagine not having you as a friend."

I don't remember how the conversation ended, but I knew that I was pretty upset (but didn't tell him) about the whole "I know you're going to be a part of my life" thing. How did he know? Why was he assuming things?

After that, we still had talks and were close and nothing ever really happened with him and Lucy, so we continued on as we always were.

Until his senior recital later that spring.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Hallie

2008-07-31T15:44:00.005-04:00

This is my friend Hallie. I miss her. She totally stole my heart last week. We exchanged addresses and now we get to be pen pals. :)

I still wish I were in Philippi.

Blessings and love,

Erin

ps. Please pray for my grandma--she was in a very bad car accident yesterday and is in a lot of pain and can't breathe very well. They did a CAT scan to see if there is internal bruising or swelling and found a spot on her lung, so that's another cause for concern. It's been really hard for me today not being home and getting to see her.

Quickie....and a Laugh

2008-07-30T13:51:00.001-04:00

So, I'm terrible at posting this week, but I promise I'll get back to you all soon. :) (I know, I know-you've heard it all before..ha.)

But, in the meantime, our fabulous friend Paul has finished our wedding video and has placed a new teaser up on YouTube. And of course, this means I'm sharing with all of you.

So get yourself over here right now and then come back and tell me how talented my husband is. :)

Blessings and love,
Erin

What Makes You Weep?

2008-07-26T20:33:00.002-04:00

I'm back. I'm tired, doing a few loads of laundry and trying to screw my head on straight before Monday.

But the trip was amazing. Much more emotional for me than last year. So much so that I cried a LOT last night. Part of me is wishing I were still in Philippi loving on the kids that I got to reconnect with this year. The other part of me is glad that I'm back so I can start living with a different purpose.

There's so much I want to share with you all, but I don't know if I can really express it, you know? It's almost a little too fresh to try and recap in a post. But I will leave you (for the time being) with this thought: what makes you weep? Truly weep.

This was one of the questions posed to us this past week during our nightly worship services. The "theme" of this summer is rebuilding the wall--restoring marred identities and rebuilding the kingdom of God. So in that context, what makes you weep?

God did amazing things in my heart this past week and I really feel that I've made progress on the path of healing. More on that and everything else later. I just wanted to say that I missed you all and can't wait to catch up with you.

Blessings and lots of love,
Erin

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane...

2008-07-18T15:24:00.002-04:00

Well, not really. I'll be leaving in a car and heading back to Philippi, WVa for another mission trip.
We leave tomorrow and won't be back till the next Saturday, so if you wonder where on earth I am (and with my track record lately, I know you won't. ha.), that's where I be! :)

As last year, I'll be without all forms of communication with the outside world, but should have plenty to tell you about upon my return.

In the meantime, I'm wrapping up loose ends here at work and then it's off to home to pack and triple-check my "DO NOT FORGET" list....with items on it such as sunscreen, water bottle, toothbrush, toothpaste, etc.

If I have time, I'll put up the next installment of 'Erin in Love' to leave as my parting gift. I really hope I have time, because it's starting to get good! :)

And in the meantime, to hold you over, I met my good friend Lora for coffee on Wednesday night, and she said I should tell you all this story because she found it funny.

After we returned from our adventures to Ohio and Indiana, I decided to do a load of laundry so I wouldn't have a mountain to do later. So, I put a load in the washer and then head upstairs to relax and unwind a bit before going to bed.

After awhile, Matt and I decide that we're going to head to bed, and I asked him if he would mind going to the basement and switching the laundry for me. Being the nice husband he is, he said he would and down to the basement he went. He was gone for a few minutes, and then he came back upstairs (I was already in bed, reading). And this is what he said:

"Um, I think you're going to want to take a shower tonight."

Me giving him a look like he's crazy: "Why?"

"Well, the water heater is leaking and there's water all over the floor."

Yup, our water heater bit it. And bit it hard. Thankfully, it didn't happen while we were gone, but COME ON! We couldn't have had an easy transition back to reality? Argh.

That was a Sunday. I did not heed Matt's advice and take a shower on Sunday night, so this is then the process I used to bathe on Monday morning:

Step 1. Turn the showerhead as far down as it will go so as little water as possible touches my body.

Step 2. Wash my face quickly, keeping all appendages out of the water.

Step 3. Turn around so my back is to the water, stand as far away as I possibly can, and arch and strain my back and neck so that my hair gets wet and not my back or anything else.

Step 4. Add shampoo to this mix and repeat Step 3.

Step 5. Put conditioner in hair and then use my toes to grab my loofah so I can sponge off. (the shaking and shallow breathing is getting worse)

Step 6. Carefully lather entire body, trying to keep water away from skin till absolutely necessary. Repeat to self that I am almost done.

Step 7. Rinse one limb at a time, leaving back of body for when rinsing conditioner out of hair, thus saving time in the cold water.

Step 8. Repeat Step 3, only slowly ease back and neck to quickly rinse off suds from body wash and conditioner out of hair.

Step 9. Use toes once again to replace loofah.

Step 10. Use toes to turn off shower, quickly shut off the water and grab the towel from my waiting husband to try and warm up my frozen skin.

And I got the joy of doing that not only Monday, but Tuesday as well. Why? Well, because on Monday, Matt called someone to come and look at the water heater (bless his heart, he did so much research and ended up saving us a bunch of money), and they said, "Yup, you need to replace it."

Joy.

So Monday night, we headed to Home Depot to see about a) Matt replacing the water heater and b) how much it would be for Home Depot to do it, and c) should we suck it up and invest in a tankless system.

Choice c was ruled out rather quickly, as the guy at HD said that it would take about 10 years for it to start paying for itself, and we don't know if we'll be in the house for 10 years, so we prematurely decided that Matt would return to HD on Tuesday, buy a regular water heater and have them install it. Because, as we found out, the city wants you to have a permit to replace your water heater. Oh, and they're going to charge you $65 for one. Oh, and by the way, it needs to be signed by a licensed plumber. Oh, and then you have to figure out what you're going to do with the old water heater.

So, needless to say, Matt didn't replace the water heater. BUT, he did find out that HD would have charged us $90 extra b/c they would have to get a permit to do it for us b/c we live in the city (are you confused yet?), so he called around, found a place that could do it that afternoon and wouldn't bill us for our unborn children. Yay! Not so fast, kiddos.

Wednesday was fine--I had a glorious warm shower and went to bed thinking everything was resolved.

Until Thursday morning, when I opened up the laundry chute and smelled gas.

I wish I was making this up.

So! Matt called the plumbing place, they told him to call RG&E (our electric/gas company) and RG&E came out and told Matt what the plumbing place would need to fix in order for the gas to stop leaking. They also said we were to call them back so they could back out to the house to verify that there isn't gas leaking anymore. The plumbing place came BACK out on Thursday afternoon, fixed the issues and left. Matt called RG&E on Friday, and they said, "Can you be at your house Saturday morning?"

Sigh.

6 days from when this fiasco started, at 4:00 in the afternoon, RG&E came to our house to give us the thumbs-up on there not being a gas leak anymore. Whoop-de-freakin-doo.

But at least I learned a valuable life lesson from this whole thing: how to take a shower when you don't have any hot water!

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. if you think about it, pray for us while we're gone. and for our house. I can't handle anymore surprises right now. :)

You are Mine....

2008-07-15T10:04:00.004-04:00

Isaiah 43:1-7 (emphasis mine)

But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.

Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.

I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth—

everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”

I wanted to share this with you all. I got home yesterday and picked up my Bible without any idea of where to turn to read. So, I quickly prayed, "Lord, show me what You will", and opened my Bible. This passage was the first thing I saw.

I've read it before, for there are tell-tale markings throughout it that showed me that at some point, something grabbed my attention and heart. I made a conscious decision to really read the text, chew over it and only read the first section so I could meditate on it and let it sink in and take root.

And, wow. Talk about balm to a wounded spirit.

How awesome is this promise that I am His! And that He is with me--through the fire, blazes, rivers and waters....that He is there throughout!

Sometimes, the things I know in my head and in my heart become a bit routine. A bit mundane and ordinary. I robotically remind myself, "God is good, God is with you, He will never leave you." And then when I read Scripture, the promises of God just seem to leap from the page and shout to me, "See? It IS true!"

Being able to see it in black and white is often times what my heart and mind need to really remember and know what is true and good.

He loves us! He is our God! We are His! Hallelujah.....I don't have to do this (life, work, etc.) on my own!

And I just wanted to share.

Blessings and love,

Erin

ps. sorry for all the exclamation points--I just couldn't help it! :) (whoops, there I go again.)

The Sound of Silence

2008-07-12T11:48:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't done a good job of blogging lately. As usual, there are a million and one reasons why I haven't, but really, I think it's mainly because I've enjoyed being "silent" for a bit.

I talk a lot. A lot. And when I blog, it's just me talking to you all even though you won't "hear" what I'm talking about until I hit 'publish post'. Sort of a one-sided conversation, you know? Only there's no one in front of me to tell me to hush up and listen. So I think that's what I've unconsciously been doing. Listening.

I suppose I could tell you all about Ohio and Indiana and how our 4th of July was, but really? It would be a cop out. Not that sharing the details of my life is a cop out, but lately I just feel like I want my blog to be something more. More what, I don't know. I haven't gotten that far. But more authentic, I guess, for lack of a better word. Deeper, more sincere, more transparent, just more.

There are so many of us hurting for different reasons right now, and it breaks my heart. I wish I had the words to comfort, encourage, empathize, sympathize, etc. but I don't. All I can offer is my prayer, and while I know that prayer is powerful, it sometimes doesn't feel like enough. So that's when I give it over to God and ask Him to make it more than enough. Because knowing my friends are in pain? Is so hard.

So that's a little bit of why I've been so silent. Not because I don't have anything to say, but for once, I'm taking the time to listen to you and to pray for you as I can.

Alicia, Libby, Jamie, MeLissa: I am praying for you, and I love you all.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Erin in Love (Part Nine)

2008-06-26T19:11:00.002-04:00

"Dear Erin,"

Uh-oh, I thought. Here we go. The letter went on to talk about how he thought we'd taken the focus of our friendship off God and placed it on us instead. How we shouldn't be so wrapped up in what we'd like to have happen, but what God would have happen.

Yeah, I wasn't liking that letter so much.

After "I miss you"-gate, things went back to "normal", me with a strengthened resolve to move on (what does that make this, number three now?) from Matt and stop waiting for him.

I headed back to the 'Berg that fall for my senior year with a fresh start on my mind and visions of moving on from Matt in my head.

That resolve lasted probably all of two seconds.

I was living in a house that year with Heidi and 5 other girls that we knew, so I was on the outskirts of campus, but we still ate our meals in the cafeteria and spent a lot of time with our friends who were living in the dorms. Heidi and her boyfriend (now husband) Jason were spending a lot of time together, so I was often left to my own devices.

And those devices included Matt. However, we didn't see each other as much because I'd decided to drop my voice major to concentrate on my history degree. And with the choir having a tour during spring break, it just didn't fit in with what I needed to accomplish so I could graduate that spring. This meant that if I wanted to see Matt or spend time with him, I'd need to find a way to do it that didn't involve Brenneman (the music building). What to do, what to do....

Well, one night early in the semester, Matt had come over and we went for a walk. My sorority had decided to hold their formal in the fall semester rather than the spring semester, and I'd decided that after 2 years of NOT going to formal with Matt, I would bite the bullet and ask him to go with me this year.

As we're walking, we're talking about various things and what we were reading in the Bible at the time and I'm building up the nerve to ask him to go to formal, because honestly? I thought he would say no. After all, our track record wasn't that hot, you have to admit. But, I wanted to go with him, and no one else, so I went for it.

That conversation went a little something like this:

"Matt, you know how the Eug formal is in December this year?"

"Yeah....."

"Well, I was wondering if you'd like to go with me. I mean, it's okay if you don't, but I thought since we had so much fun at those weddings this summer, that it'd be fun to go with each other this year. And I promise it'd be just as friends. Nothing more."

"Um. Well. Um. Erin, I would love to go with you, and I'd say yes, but well, Monica has already asked me and I told her I'd go with her."

"Oh." "Well, okay then! That's fine...I guess I'll ask Ian (yes, that Ian) to go with me. He's dating Shannon now, so I know it'll be fine with him."

Um, what?? He would have said yes??? Was this some kind of sick joke??

Well, fall semester went on without incident. Well, sort of.

See, there came another point where I just couldn't take it anymore...I needed something to be absolute and I needed it to be my relationship with Matt. Either we were just friends, or we were something more. I couldn't take the up and down and up and down. It was just getting to be too hard to deal with.

The catalyst though, was after I'd found out my cousin Michael had been killed in a car accident. Emotionally raw and spent, I needed an answer from Matt that he just couldn't give.

So I wrote him a letter. A letter that said I couldn't do "this" anymore and that I needed to not be around him and I didn't know for how long. I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want to hang out with him, I just needed space.

And after a few days, I saw him on the sidewalk on my way to class and he stopped me.

He handed me a letter and asked me to read it. That was all.

"Dear Erin,"

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. I know I'm evil for ending TWO installments with a beginning of a letter, but really? It just wrote itself. Oh, and the boy? He threw me a surprise birthday party last night and I was floored! I love this man to bits!! :) Happy birthday to me!

It Is a Truth Universally Acknowledged....

2008-06-24T15:15:00.002-04:00

That a single man of large fortune, must be in want of a wife.

Swoon. I love Jane Austen. I really do. And do you know who I love even more? Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Swoon.

And do you know who I love even more than Mr. Darcy? My husband. Because he is the BEST husband ever and bought me tickets to see 'Pride and Prejudice' onstage....swoon.

We went on Sunday with my in-laws who were in town for the weekend and we had a fabulous time. It was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. The costumes, the dialog, the actors, and most especially how intimate the theater was. We were so close to the stage that I could have reached out, grabbed Mr. Darcy's arm and made him topple onto my lap. Swoon.

Why did we go see P&P? Well, that's easy enough, people.

It's because IT'S MY BIRTHDAY WEEK! That's right. The week you all love and dread at the same time because it's when I make an utter fool of myself over how much I love my birthday. Ha.

Now, granted, my birthday isn't till Friday, but the play's last night was on Sunday and if we didn't go then, I wouldn't get to see it, and gosh darn it, did I want to see it!

Swoooon....sorry...I just keep thinking about the deliciousness that is all things Mr. Darcy (although Colin Firth is the Darcy I keep thinking about--go rent the BBC mini-series production, take a cold shower and then come and thank me. You know you want to.).....and at least it's keeping my mind off the fact that I'll be 29 on Friday.

Why does there seem to be something so final about the age 29? I mean, it's one thing to turn 28....but 29....yuck. Must think about Mr. Darcy.....ahh, that's better. Swoon.

Anyways, I'm hoping to get another 'Erin in Love' installment posted this week and then my friends, I'll probably be silent for awhile, because next week my company is on shutdown and we're going to OHIO! for the week. Yay!! This means lots of time with my fam'bly, friends and my hubby. Swoon.

(Yes, that was a swoon for my hubby--you have to admit, he's a hunk.)

Blessings and love,
Erin

In the Spirit of Thankfulness....

2008-06-19T12:08:00.003-04:00

I want to let you all know that I am in a much better place than I was Tuesday.

For the first time since the miscarriage, I got angry. Really angry. Not with anyone, not with God, just angry at the situation. Angry at my confusion and not being able to understand what happened. Angry that it hasn't gotten easier.

Yes, I know, it will take awhile for me to fully heal from this. And I'm prepared to go through that process. Tuesday was just the catalyst, apparently. I won't say that it was easy or pretty for me to get back to being "okay", but it was releasing and cleansing and I spoke out loud exactly how I felt. And then asked God to take over, because the strength to get through this? I don't have it. I'm empty, girls. But it's a good empty. It's an empty that God can (and is) use to fill me up again....to shape me even more to His image.

But I am okay. Better than okay. I am loved, blessed, and so incredibly thankful for all of you sweet, dear, darling friends, without whom I wouldn't be getting through this. It brings tears to my eyes to see all the comments from you....you who have never met me "in real life", but you who care about little me and my troubles. I can't really describe how full my heart is when I think of each and every single one of you.

You are the arrows in my quiver....and I love you all. I wish there was a stronger way to say thank you....it seems so little....but it's what I have. You all have shown me another side to friendship, and I'm so, so thankful that a little over 4 years ago, I was feeling lonely, so I started a blog.

Blessings and much, much love,
Erin

In the Spirit of Honesty....

2008-06-17T14:26:00.003-04:00

I am angry. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am in pain. I am annoyed.

I have unanswered questions that will most likely never get answered.

I have an ache in my heart that I've never felt before and can't get rid of.

I am lonely.

I want to cry but can't because I'm at work.

And if you don't know why, that's okay. You can still pray for me. I know I am.

Erin in Love (Part Eight)

2008-06-13T20:03:00.003-04:00

I am a hugger. I loved (and still do) to hug my friends and those I love. (ask Jeff--he'll tell you!) It was the way I grew up--you were in my family, you hugged, you kissed, you touched. It's as natural to me as breathing.

But Matt and I? We never touched. With the notable exception of that night in his room, we didn't touch. So when we went to weddings? I was on cloud nine because it meant that even for a brief time, we would touch.

Like I said earlier, this wedding was one of many that we went to together that summer. We were making progress from the infamous talk on the Campus Center lawn, and we were cautious around each other, but getting back to where we were. And I was so thankful for it.

This particular wedding was in Tiffin (home to the 'Berg) for a girl that we both knew from choir and Matt knew from Jazz band. I met him on campus, and away we went. The ceremony was nice, and then there was a two-hour gap between the service and the reception. Tiffin is a small town, and there's only so much you can do, so we opted to get some ice cream and then head to the park to hang out before the reception.

We had driven my car (newer and had air conditioning--a must!), and I had a blanket in the back that we spread out on the grass so I wouldn't get my dress dirty and we sat down and talked. It was good.

Then we went to the reception and had a blast. The one thing I will never forget from that reception is that they played a swing song, and since Matt had been taking ballroom dance classes the previous semester, he had taught me how to swing dance at all of these weddings--so we had become something of a semi-decent pair (I still want to take dance lessons to this day, by the way). I so looked forward to dancing with Matt...I liked that he wasn't afraid to lead or put his hand on the small of my back as we were dancing, and yes, I liked the fact that we could touch. So when this swing song came on, we went to the floor where there weren't many people dancing and proceeded to dance.

As we were spinning and twirling our way around the floor, I slowly began to realize that there was no one else on the floor! The small number of people who had been on the floor with us all returned to their seats and left us out there by ourselves. Then I realized that everyone was watching us. It's a miracle that I finished the dance without tripping or falling down! After the song was over, there was a smattering of applause for our VERY modest efforts, and embarrassed, we headed back to our seats to wait for a slow song to come on.

The reception ended late, and we headed back to campus so that Matt could get his car and head to where he was staying for the night and I could head back home. Little did I know we'd be sitting in my car for at least 2 hours talking. And here is where my next shining moment would come.

You see, Matt had a very specific plan for his career and life. Being a composer is a demanding job, and there is little time (if you want to do it full-time) for anything else. Especially a family. So Matt's plan was to not get married or have a family because it would be too hard on a wife to not have her husband around, and he didn't want to ask anyone to have to do that.

Oh, when I look back on what I said.....I thought I was being so sly and clever....well, you be the judge.

"I just don't see how a marriage could survive a career like composition. And I'm not going to ask anyone to do that--it would be a huge sacrifice on her part."

"Well, don't you want to get married someday?"

"Yes, but I really don't think there's a woman out there who could put up with the life that it demands. Don't you realize what's involved in being a full-time composer? I'd never be around, would have to travel for performances, probably be teaching at a college, so there's that on top of the other stuff, and composing itself requires a LOT of time alone writing. Who would be able to handle that?"

Cue Erin's next shining moment.

"Well, if that's what you really think, then not only are you selling the woman you're supposed to marry short, you're selling God short. Don't you think that if it's in His will that you get married that there's a woman out there that is more than capable to handle the life you're choosing for yourself?" (I was oh so smug, as I'm sure you can tell. And what woman do you really think I was referring to? And of course, Matt knew it.)

After that conversation, we went back to our homes and went about our summers like we had planned--and of course, we would have the occasional talk on the phone. One night, Matt called and we were talking about what we'd been up to and other things. After Matt had said something really funny and I was done laughing, I said something that immediately made me wish the floor would open up and swallow me whole.

"I miss you."

DEAD silence for what felt like an eternity.

BIG sigh. And then......."I miss you, too."

I knew I shouldn't have said it....because that would result in a letter or a detailed talk on the phone about why we couldn't say things like that to each other. It would admit a caring about each other that we weren't allowed to talk about. And I wished I could take it back.

"Listen, Matt......um, about what I just said....let's forget it, okay? I mean, I do miss you, but not like that....we're friends, right? And friends are allowed to miss each other, soooo...."

"Yeah, um, okay. Well, I should get going. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone and started to cry. Then, I got a little mad. Why couldn't I tell him that I missed him? What was so incredibly wrong with that?

Then about a week later.......I got a letter in the mail.

"Dear Erin,"

Blessings and love,
Erin

What? You Were Expecting Something Else?

2008-06-11T07:48:00.002-04:00

Hello my lovelies....

I know, I'm a terrible blogger and bloggy-friend. Oy. Just get the tomato-throwing over with now, okay?

(Waiting for tomatoes to be thrown...)

I want to thank you all for your sweet, thoughtful, loving and sensitive comments. You all are wonderful, and I am so blessed to know each of you. The love I felt from you was so wonderful, and I cherish each of you so very dearly. I am sorry I haven't posted anything real (aside from the news of Gretchen's arrival) since then--I want you to know that it wasn't because I was upset or having a difficult time--as usual, it was busy-ness that kept me away for this long.

I know you're all expecting another installment of 'Erin in Love', and I promise, promise, promise to get that up this week. But today is not just an ordinary day for me, so I have to blog about it instead. Disappointed? I know...I would be too, if I were you. Hee.

You see, today is the third anniversary of the day I pledged my love, commitment, devotion and faithfulness to my wonderful, wonderful husband. And I think that is something extraordinary, don't you? :)

This exact moment, three years ago today, I was at a salon with my mom, sisters, sisters-in-law-to-be and my best girlfriend getting my hair done. Right about now, my hairdresser commented to my mom, "Wow, she is either the calmest bride I have ever seen or she's scared to death." My mom promptly replied, "She's scared to death."

But I wasn't. Not really. Oh the butterflies were there, and I was so keyed up I couldn't eat a thing till we got to the reception, but where others thought I was scared, I was thinking more about the changes that were to come in the moments and years ahead.

I was preparing myself to marry my best friend. This is the man I've known for almost 10 years now. The one I thought I would never get to love (see previous 'Erin in Love' installments if you're confused. Ha.). And here it was: the day that God fulfilled the promise He'd made me all those years ago.

I was right to think about how things were going to change, because they have. But what Erin-three-years-ago didn't know was how much they were going to change for the better. The love I now have for Matthew is beyond description. I often feel unworthy to be his wife, but then I remember the promise that God fulfilled. And then I know. This is right where I'm supposed to be.

Matthew, I love you. Thank you for being a man that seeks the Lord with all his heart. Thank you for holding my heart with such care--I know it's safe with you. Happy Anniversary, my sweet, adorable, funny, smart, wonderful husband.

The Luckiest by Ben Folds (our wedding song, and abbreviated for post length)

I don't get many things right the first time,
in fact, I am told that a lot.

Now I know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls
brought me here.

And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it every day.

And I know....

That I am,
I am,
I am,
The luckiest.

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.

With all my love,
Erin

Ya'll!!!

2008-06-03T21:26:00.002-04:00

If you are a reader of my beloved Annie's blog, you must head over there RIGHT NOW! Yes, BabyGirl has finally and officially made her appearance!!

As Annie's guest blogger during her labor and all of that, I posted what I know over on her blog.

So what are you waiting for?? :) Get thee thyself over there this very minute!!

Blessings and love,
Erin

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Reading....

2008-05-23T16:50:00.002-04:00

To post something of substance and worth. Sorry, no 'Erin in Love (Part Eight)' just yet--probably next week, after our madcap weekend to Ohio. :)

Don't ask me why I'm just now posting about this, but I feel like it's time to share with you just why I've been so quiet in posting about my life lately. And just to get this out right up front, I am okay, I'm not sick, I'm doing well and Matt has been wonderful.

Also, if you know me "in real life", please respect that this isn't something that is easy for me or Matt to talk about in conversation, nor do we want this to be broadcast to those who don't know us well. If you're reading this, you know me well enough to know about the blog and you are someone that I love and value. I am sharing simply because I feel it is time to share, and because I want people to see God's goodness and mercy.

Back in March, right before Easter, Matt and I found out we were expecting a baby. Our first baby. Needless to say, we were thrilled and excited and so happy. In typical Erin fashion, I called my doctor's office the next morning to set up my first pre-natal appointment and we were plotting to tell our families when we went home in April for Matt's performance at the New Music Festival. That was a Thursday.

The next day, Friday, was a normal work day except that it was a very stressful time due to a challenging project, and I worked late. Towards the end of the evening, I felt some back pain and had some spotting. I was concerned, but was praying and had Matt praying as well.

Saturday morning, however, I knew something was wrong. And it was, and we lost our baby.

I can't really describe what I felt or how I acted or what I said or what Matt did or said because honestly, it's still a little too raw. No, I don't cry every day, and it's not always on my mind, but I do have moments where things pop up and I find myself needing to escape to my car to weep and cry out to God.

Remember when I posted last month about finding peace and comfort in the hard times? This is what that was all about. And it's so true--even more so now.

I've come to the realization that it is okay for me to cry, for me to be sad, to feel pain because we lost a life--we lost our first child and the future and the promise that our baby had. But, in spite of the grief over what was lost, there IS peace and comfort--God knew something that we didn't. There was something wrong with our baby and God knew that the best thing for him/her was to be with Him. And I can accept that and trust that God is merciful and be thankful that I was spared the pain of other women who see their baby or hear their heartbeat only to lose.

I recently told Annie that I think that sometimes we can grow more when we're at these points in our lives where things seem hard or we've been dealt a blow. That even though we may praise through the tears, or the anger, or fear, we can still praise! And isn't that what faith is all about?? So yes, I can cry, but I can still praise God for His goodness at the same time and mean it with all my heart because it does bring Him glory. And for that, I am thankful.

And can I tell you how thankful I am for my husband? He is a rock, and I cannot imagine a greater love than I feel for this man. He is continually encouraging, continually supportive and the one who holds me when I need to cry and tell me that it's okay to be sad, and that he still gets sad too. If ever there ever was I time when I doubted that Matt was the one God created for me, it is gone. My Matt is amazing and without him, well, I can't even think of something to put there.

What about hope? Well, the hope is still there. We hope for a family, and we trust that God will give us a family in His timing and in His measure. I have hope that I will see my baby someday, and I take comfort in the fact that there are those of our loved ones up there right now with our baby.

I don't know what the future will hold, and I'm okay with that. I'm okay to just take things one day at a time and continue to lean on God for the strength that I desperately need on the days when it seems like things are just too much. So please, don't be sad for me or Matt--while we appreciate the sympathy and know it comes out of love, I ask that you would rejoice with us that our God is good, just, wise and loves us more deeply than we can ever know. And pray with us for those who are hurting who don't know the comfort of Christ.

Please click here to listen to a song that we all know, but now has much more personal meaning to me.

Blessings, love, and in the rain,
Erin

As Promised.....

2008-05-22T10:17:00.006-04:00

The best. picture. of. me. EVER.

Are you ready for this people? I mean, are you really ready? I seriously didn't look this good on my wedding day....if I had a digital picture to share on this computer, I would. We could do a side by side comparison. But, I digress. Anyways, I hope you're ready to be awed and amazed at the wonderfulness that is this pciture of me. (Wow, I'm really hyping it up...I should probably tone it down a bit. It's not as if I'm a model type to begin with, so really, what can I expect? ha.)

So here it is, in all its glory....and note the "new" haircut from awhile ago.

Aren't you all impressed? Hee. Seriously, I haven't taken a picture this good in ages. I mean, ages. I was so impressed with the way it turned out that I immediately looked at Matt and said, "Wow! You're married to a hottie!" and he then proceeded to say, "I told you so." Harumph.

And just for fun, here's some pictures of us goofing off. Because we like to do that.

And don't forget about the challenge below!!! :)

Blessings and love,

Erin

A Challenge....

2008-05-21T17:01:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I know I haven't kept my end of the deal, but there were forces against me people! (ahem, husbands who delete the digital camera software off their computers so their wives can't upload the best. picture. ever. of herself, ahem) So, in the meantime, I'm issuing a challenge.

What's the challenge and what's your reward? Well, that all depends....the challenge is this:

Because I am a comment loving freak, I want to see how many comments I can get on one post. I know, it's a lame challenge, but work with me here!! So, if I get 25 comments on this post, I will give to you a choice of humiliating things you can order me to do and then you, my Internet friends, will vote and I will post the result for your viewing pleasure. So think carefully and wisely.....

And get to commenting!! (1 comment per person counts....sorry, no inflation! hee.)

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. my apologies to all you who do Google searches for things like "how to clean up spilled milk from a car/camera/etc." and "cleanliness is next to godliness Bible verse". yeah, um, I don't know how to clean spilled milk out of a car or any of those such items, but I did post about spilling milk in my car!! And there is no such Bible verse, sorry. Just thought you'd like to know.

Erin in Love (Part Seven)

2008-05-13T17:22:00.003-04:00

No, things were never going to be the same.

The night after I cried my eyes out (the night of the jazz-a-thon), I took the short walk to Matt's room for THE TALK. Nervous, I knew what he was going to say, and I knew I wasn't going to like it. I also knew that I was about to make the biggest fool of myself ever.

For you see, I went armed with what I thought was a good, persuasive argument. What argument, you ask? The kind of argument that only a Dave Matthews Band song can give. (it's okay to laugh--I laugh at me sometimes, too)

I love the song "I'll Back You Up" by DMB from their 'Remember Two Things' album, and I listened to it earlier that day and cried some more and thought it was so deep and fitting for my friendship with Matt. The lyrics are as follows:

I remember thinking,
I'll go on forever only knowing you and I
But I know the touch of you is hard to remember,
But like that touch I know no other.

And for sure, we danced in the risk of each other,
would you like to dance around the world with me?

Chorus:

I'll be falling all about my own thing,
and I know you're the heaviest weight;
when you're not here that's placed around my head.

And your lips burned wild,
thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes, the seeing of the greatest few.
Do what you will, always walk where you like,
Do as you please, I'll back you up.

I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk, sometimes we run away.
But I know no matter how fast we are running,
somehow we keep up with each other.

Repeat chorus.

Super pretty, right? And full of depth and meaning...(if you've never heard the song, you should totally listen to it)

So, me, being the romantic and "deep" fool that I am, decide that instead of trying to talk sense into Matt, I would play him this song, he would "get" it and declare his deep, unabashed love for me.

Um, not so much.

Not only did he not "get" it, thus causing me much mortification and embarrassment, but he said he couldn't understand what Dave was saying. Ouch.

So we talked instead. I tried to use every reason I could possibly think of to get him to change his mind and see that we were meant to be together. But for every reason I had, he had 5, it seemed like, and he meant business. I left that talk feeling more dejected than I knew I could feel. Oh, we were still friends, but that wasn't what I wanted, and we both knew it. And there was nothing else for me to do but "move on".

Remember when I said I got in a situation that I wish I'd handled differently? Enter D.

D was a year younger than me, very sweet, and I'd met him because he pledged the fraternity to which I was (and still am) a little sis. As such, during pledging that year, D had to address me (as did all the other pledges) as Miss Yost. After pledging, I could go back to being Erin.

And in my haste to get over Matt, D and I started dating. But I handled it all so badly. Very, very badly.

See, while I was dating D, and other people knew we were dating, Matt didn't know we were dating. And I didn't bother to correct him. Though my heart was still Matt's, I was seeing this other guy, going on dates with him, going to Ap formal with him, and in general, being a very ugly person, even though it was never my intention to treat D the way I did. I was really terrible, you guys. And this is why I regret the way I handled things.

One night, D was over in my room, and we were watching a movie. Then, there was a knock on my door.

I opened the door, and there was Matt. Coming to visit. Um. Not good, people. Not good.

I totally played D being there off as us just hanging out and acted so weird that Matt left after about 10 minutes.

The rest of the spring continued on, and I ended things D, and Matt still not knowing about it. I knew I wasn't doing the right thing by dating D, and I was becoming a person I didn't know anymore. Plus, I knew that it wasn't going to go anywhere. It was the right thing to do, even though I hated doing it. I felt so guilty and terrible about it all that I was really upset.

Several of our mutual friends were getting married that summer, and I asked Matt to go with me, and he said yes. What I was thinking, I have no idea. All seemed to be okay, though....we were friends, there wasn't any awkwardness and I thought we were okay.

Until....

The day of graduation. The day Matt broke my heart.

You see, the choir always sings at graduation at Heidelberg, and 2000 wasn't any different. We rehearse in the morning and then later that afternoon, graduation begins.

Well, in between rehearsal and graduation, Matt asked me to go for a walk with him. I accepted, and had no idea of what was about to happen.

We stopped walking in front of the Campus Center, and we sat down on the grass--Matt in his choir tux, me in my choir dress. We were chatting about general things, and then......

"Erin, are you dating D?"

My heart stopped beating, I swear it did. "No, I'm not. Why?" (you'll notice I didn't tell him that I had dated him)

"Well, I heard that you two were dating, and I'd like to know why you wouldn't tell me. I feel like you've lied to me."

"I didn't lie to you--I'm not dating D. I don't know why you would think I lied to you. We went out on some dates, but we're not dating now, and haven't been for awhile."

Silence......

"I just don't know, Erin. I mean, I don't know why you would lie to me. I don't know if I can believe anything you've said to me since we became friends. And I don't know if I ever really knew the real you at all. And I don't think I want to."

Cue my heart breaking in half.

Starting to cry, not caring that he can see: "I didn't lie to you. You never asked me about D before, and I told you the truth just now. I can't believe you would say that to me. I have never told you a lie, never. Who I am is who you've always seen."

"Don't cry. I'm sorry I made you cry. Can't you see why I'd be upset?"

"Honestly? No. You don't want to date me, but you're going to get mad because I went on some dates with another guy and didn't tell you about it? I can't stay here and let you talk to me like this. I'm sorry, but I have to go now."

As I made movements to leave, he grabbed my hand and pulled me back down on the grass.

"Don't leave like this, Erin. I don't want things to end like this."

"Well, how do you want them to end? It seems like it's all settled!"

"I don't know...I just don't want it to be like this. Please don't leave."

Then, we talked, he apologized for not believing me, I apologized for yelling (b/c I did), and we agreed to start again. (as an aside, later, when we were dating, Matt explained to me exactly why he said what he did...it seems that he thought we had some sort of agreement that we wouldn't date any other people, and he was prepared to ask me out that summer. My dating D, then, threw quite the wrench into his plans, and made him very upset. We never had such an agreement, and Matt knows that--he said he was 'delusional'. Aww. My sweet hubby.) Of course, he said he wasn't sure if he thought it was a good idea that he go to the weddings with me that summer, but that he would let me know.

He did let me know, and we went to the weddings as planned.

One wedding though.....oh, that wedding. As if I hadn't made a big enough fool of myself with the DMB song, this wedding was my next opportunity.

Blessings and love,
Erin

ps. now, are you all happy? ;) This should be plenty long to keep you occupied for awhile. ;) I had intended this last part to be part eight, but thought, what they hey? They deserve a two-for-one!

Y'all.

2008-05-13T07:39:00.003-04:00

Okay, so since I've been getting some rather, shall we say, passionate requests for part 7 of our story, I felt it time to post something so you all will have something new to read.

First things first. Part 7 is in my head, but I haven't had time to put it down yet. I'm sorry. I really had no idea that Part 6 would leave you all anxiously awaiting Part 7, because really, I'm still a little baffled/humbled/amazed that anyone wants to read this stuff!!

And secondly, we've been busy. Matt's sister, Sarah, graduated from Kent State this past weekend with her nursing degree (summa cum laude, from the honors college, she was interviewed by the Cleveland NBC affiliate, and she got to carry the nursing college banner in the processional.....I was never this smart, folks!!), so we were in OHIO for the weekend. Combine that with wrapping up youth group for the year (Friday is the last one, and we're taking the kids to see the newest Narnia move, Prince Caspian), Bible study, work, general insanity, missions trip meetings, etc. and you have for one very busy Erin.

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. But I do have lots to update you all on, and I promise to do so THIS week, including Part Seven, the BEST picture of me ever (I'm serious you guys...I didn't look as good on my wedding day as I do in this picture), and general ramblings that you've all come to know and love from me.

Oh, and if you're happening upon my blog from Pioneer Woman's big giveaway, please say hi! I'm so not as interesting, funny, witty, clever, etc. as she is, but I love to make new friends! And I do give her credit for the idea of writing out my love story, way down at the beginning of it. As if I could ever steal a bit of her thunder. Pshaw.

And if you are a faithful reader and have not visited Pioneer Woman and/or read her incredibly addicting, wonderful love story, what are you waiting for??? Seriously, get thee thyself over there right. now.

And then when you come back, I will have Part 7 ready for you so you can scoff and say, "Harumph. This story is so lame!" Maybe.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Erin in Love (Part Six)

2008-05-01T14:19:00.002-04:00

As an aside, you all are freaking hilarious! Seriously. I had NO idea you all would be so anxious to read our story, and I'm so touched and humbled that you all are getting antsy for the next installment. :) Especially you, Jess. You totally made me laugh out loud! If I could give you the rest of the story in one post, I totally would, but it would seriously be about 500 pages long. As it is, I'm having a hard time cutting it down as much as I have!

And to answer a couple other questions, yes, Matt is reading our story, and yes, he knows how he tortured me. He also wants me to convey to you all that he is NOT the villain he feels he is being portrayed as, and I am backing him up on that claim. He really wasn't a villain--he was actually following the direction he got from God, and I am eternally grateful for that. As I will talk about in a very future post, it would NOT have been good had we actually dated in college (SPOILER! ha.), and I know things happened the way they did for a reason. Anyways....

And a big hi goes out to our cousin Bethany--HI BETHANY!! Congratulations on your pregnancy! :) And now, without further ado, I give you......part six.

And that spring, he asked me to come back to his room the night of the Jazz-a-thon. (It could get a little steamy in here, folks. Nothing R-rated, I promise!)

Among other activities he was involved in, Matt played piano in the jazz band at school. And they were raising money for a cruise they were taking that summer to parts of the Caribbean, and as a fundraiser, they were having a jazz-a-thon. A 24-hour, playing through the night, jazz-a-thon. Of course, they all took breaks so they could either sleep or rest or eat or whatever and were on for blocks of time.

So when Matt asked me to help him stay awake (he didn't trust himself to take a nap) and hang out in his room, I said yes. Um, of course I did.

When we got to the dorm, I asked him what he wanted to do, and he suggested we watch a movie. That seemed okay to me (I know, what were we thinking?), and I asked if he'd ever seen 'Shakespeare in Love'. I'd just gotten it for Christmas and I was so very much in love with it and Joseph Fiennes that I thought we should watch it. Again, I know, I know. What was I thinking?

We settled in to watch the movie and because of the way their room was set up, we had to sit on his bed (they had bunks) sort of at a diagonal to see the TV, with our backs against the one wall (the closets were directly across from the wall, so we really didn't have a choice). Looking back on it, I should have climbed up onto Charlie's bed or sat on a chair. Oy.

So we're watching the movie and all is going swimmingly and I'm still loving Joseph Fiennes, and then Matt decides he's going to start teasing me. Because I'm closer to the head of the bed, I start to slowly grab for a pillow to bean him over the head with. As soon as the pillow meets his face, he grabs for the pillow, misses, and ends up grabbing my wrist. And doesn't let go.

As soon as his fingers touched my wrist, I couldn't breathe. Even knowing it wasn't a voluntary motion, we'd never had physical contact aside from the back rubs in choir or my occasionally braiding his hair. Both of which was so completely different--I'm a hugger, and I love to hug my friends, but I'd never, ever hugged Matt. We just didn't cross that line. Until then.

Suddenly, the entire mood changed. What was once a lighthearted evening and teasing, was now completely intense and nervewracking. My heart was pounding in my chest so loudly that I thought for sure the entire floor could hear it and I was having a hard time catching my breath. He still wasn't letting go of my wrist! In fact, instead of letting go of my wrist, he'd started to slowly run his thumb across the underside of it, driving me absolutely insane. Should I move? I should move. This isn't good. But I don't want to move. Holy moly, what is he DOING? Aw, man, now they're kissing in the movie. Fantastic. What. is. he. doing? Calm down, Erin. Just move your wrist away. That's it. Slowly, slowly, slowly........

Too late. The minute I'd managed to move my wrist away, he turned his head and looked at me. And what a look. I could have burst out crying at that look. Then, he slowly started to raise his arm.....and he put it around my shoulder. Oh, gracious. This isn't good!!!

If I thought my heart was beating loudly at what it felt like to have his hand around my wrist, I thought for sure it was going to jump out of my chest when he did that. Then, after a few minutes, he turned to me again. Oh please, just say you're sorry and then let me escape. Because so help me, I don't know what I will do if you don't.

Slowly, ever so painstakingly slowly, his face started inching towards mine. And I was in utter shock and panic. Is he going to kiss me? He can't do that! Oh my gosh, he's going to kiss me. What am I going to do?

And then.

It happened.

He stopped.

And my heart fell like a lead balloon.

Erin, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I don't know what I was thinking.

Oh, it's okay. You're right. Thank you for stopping.

Are you okay?

Sure. (trying desperately not to cry) Are you okay?

Yeah.

Um, should I leave now?

No. I think we should talk. Erin, I know how you feel about me. And you know that I'm not going to be dating anyone till I'm ready to get married. I'm sorry, but I just don't see how we can keep doing this. I don't want to lose your friendship--do you understand that? Can you explain to me why you think it would be a good idea if we dated?

Well, I've done a lot of praying about it, and while I haven't heard a definite yes from God, I do believe that we could have a good relationship. And I think that you should just give us a chance. I don't think it would be as bad as you think it would be.

It's not that I think it would be bad......I just think it would be wrong for this time. I don't know how to explain it.

But this feels right to me. Being with you feels right. (famous last words, right girls?)

But it's not right. Listen, it's really late, so maybe I should try and take a nap before I have to go back to the jazz-a-thon. Can we talk tomorrow after we've both had some time to think about things?

Sure. Sorry for all of this, Matt. I really am.

It's okay, Erin. And it WILL be okay.

And just like that, everything had changed. I went to my room, climbed into bed, and cried my eyes out. I felt like I'd lost a friend, my heart, and something I couldn't define. I just knew that nothing would be the same.

And boy, was it never the same again.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Erin in Love (Part Five)

2008-04-27T18:11:00.002-04:00

Thus ended sophomore year. The summer was fairly uneventful, I spent my days working at Kohl's and my evenings with my family or with my friend Jessi (from high school). I would think of Matt from time to time, and on occasion, we would talk on the phone. Nothing serious, nothing on a regular basis, just whenever he felt like calling. Because you know I didn't call him!

Soon it was time to begin junior year. I looked forward to going back to the 'Berg and seeing everyone I hadn't seen all summer. I was sharing a suite with 3 of my sorority sisters, and because of the way the housing lottery fell, Heidi and I weren't roommates, as we thought we were going to be, but instead, I was rooming with Janelle, and Heidi was rooming with Bobbi. The rooms connected to the bathroom, and I was so excited to be living in Miller in the "heart" of our very small campus.

Miller was also a co-ed dorm, and since the rooms were set up as suites, you often had a suite of girls living next door to a suite of boys. This was the case with us. The boys next to us were in a fraternity (for those of you Berg-ites reading, they were Heids), and then the next room was what we called a "single". In this single, though, were two boys. Charlie (from the first installment of our story) and, you guessed it, Matt. But this year, I was determined to get over Matt and move on with my life. He obviously wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with me, and I wasn't one of those girls who just waited around and pined for a boy. Pshaw.

Matt's family had gone to Maine during the summer for their vacation. When Matt had told me that before we left school for the summer, I mentioned how much I loved Maine and how jealous I was that he was going. He said he would bring me something back from Maine, and I was curious to see what that would be.

One day, in the cafeteria during dinner, Matt mentioned that he had my present in his room. Since we were headed to the same floor, I told him I'd get it after dinner. Walking to his room, I was so nervous and panicky--what could he have possible gotten for me? I couldn't believe he'd really brought me something back--it would have been just like him to not get something as to actually pick something up, so I was in a tizzy.

I shouldn't have worried. What Matt got me was a Ball jar full of sand from Sand Beach in Acadia National Park. He even stuck a napkin under the ring lid before he screwed it on to make it more decorative. It was the sweetest gesture I'd ever seen. Naturally, I gushed over it and giggled about how funny it was that he got me sand, and he kept apologizing for the "lameness" of it, but I told him how touched I was that he even remembered in the first place.

Things seemed to be going well between us that year. I was slowly "moving on" from him, and we were deepening our friendship. Although, there were times when his sarcastic nature and somewhat mean sense of humor would cause me to say things in the heat of the moment like, "I don't know why I'm even friends with you!!"

And then there was the pie incident. My mom makes some really good pumpkin pie, and after Thanksgiving, she sent some pie and some other food back to school with me. Now, Jason and Matt were determined to get some of this pie. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to take it inside my dorm after I got back, and about a week afterwards, the three of us were headed somewhere in my car, and Jason and Matt were in the backseat with the pumpkin pie.

Of course, they wanted to dig in. I told them I didn't think it was such a good idea, but they felt that since it'd been pretty cold that week, they could safely eat the pumpkin pie without detriment to their well-beings.

Hmm. Well, they ate the pie, and afterwards, since they didn't get sick, asked if I could have my mom make another one just for them. I told them, no, and that I could make pumpkin pie just as good as my mom, if they wanted one.

Matt took this opportunity to tell me that he didn't think I could make pumpkin pie at all, and he thought that by saying that, it would cause me to want to defend my culinary honor and I would then make him one (there were kitchens on each floor of our dorm, by the way, in case you were wondering how on earth I would be making pumpkin pie at school). Unfortunately for him, it backfired, and I told him that I would NEVER make pumpkin pie for him. For Jason? Sure. For Matt?? Absolutely not.

This launched an attack on my dry erase board by Matt, who would write one letter of the words 'pumpkin pie' every day until they were spelled out entirely. Of course, I cracked up about this and it just strengthened my resolve to not make him pumpkin pie.

But what was happening between us during all of this?

Well, you see, since I was so determined to "move on" from Matt and be done with the whole mess, I ended up in a situation that I will forever regret. Wait, regret is a strong choice of words. I don't regret what happened, I wish I would have handled things differently.

Matt was still, on occasion, pulling me aside and asking me to forgive him for flirting with me. Every time he asked, I would tell him there was nothing to forgive, but each instance killed something within me. My heart always sank when he would begin those conversations because I knew what was coming. I knew that he was going to break another piece of my heart by telling me he didn't mean to flirt with me or lead me on, or give me a false impression, etc. And so I became pretty numb to those conversations. Outside, I was all smiles and forgiveness, and I did forgive him, but inside, I was raw. And empty.

Then, before Christmas break, Matt got really sick. So sick that he had to leave and go home before finals and take incompletes on all his exams and then take them at the beginning of spring semester. Not knowing how sick he really was, I was concerned and when I hadn't seen him in a couple of days, I took Heidi with me the few steps down the hall to check on him.

I had brought with me some chicken noodle soup from the cafeteria with some crackers, and I was in full-on "mom" mode. Seeing him like that was really hard, and I wanted to do everything I could to help him feel better.

As I was bustling around, making sure things were okay for him and trying to get him to eat something, Heidi was apparently having a silent conversation with Matt; one I didn't even know they'd had until many years later. According to Matt, it went something like this:

Heidi: "Do you see her?"

Matt: "What do you mean?"

Heidi: "Do you see what she's doing? How she's acting?"

Matt: "Yes."

Heidi: "She still loves you."

Matt says that he felt so bad after that silent conversation, that he knew he needed to make things right and to let me know once and for all that he couldn't give me what I wanted.

And that spring, he asked me to come back to his room the night of the Jazz-a-thon.

Blessings and love,
Erin

Another Brief Conversation....

2008-04-25T12:51:00.002-04:00

Preface: The other night (not the same night at below), Matt was being very cuddly and cute when we were watching TV. We frequently "couple talk" and ask the other how we got such a good mabus or babus (Matt is mabus, I am babus). What then happens is that whoever was asked the question launches into some abbreviated or windy version of our story (see below). Lately, when Matt asks me this, I tell him, "You should read my blog."

Me: "You're very snuggly tonight. I like it."

Matt: "I just want to be close, that's all."

Me: "Oh, you just want to be close, huh?" (giggling a bit)

Matt: "I said, I just want to be close!" (he's basically draped himself over me by this point)

Me: "Hmm, how'd I get such a good mabus?"

Matt: Pause, and then "You should read your blog."

Blessings and love,
Erin

A Brief Conversation

2008-04-21T21:01:00.002-04:00

Matt: "Who's that?" (standing behind me as I check my Facebook account)

Me: "Oh, that's my blogging friend....she's from Canada."

Matt: "Did she just get married?"

Me: "I don't know, actually." "And that's my other blogging friend--she lives in Kuwait."

Matt: "Mhmm....well, I just want you to know that I just farted a lot back here." (as he's leaving the room to go floss)

Me: "Great, thanks babe."

Blessings and love,
Erin